here i am, in a place where i can do nothing. a place where i'm useless and unproductive. everyone is dealing with so much stress, sadness, and depression and nothing i do helps. nothing i try helps. everyone is so edgy - raw - unkind. this is the time when words come out that maybe they didn't mean. when they say things to hurt because they have nothing else to say. or maybe it's when they say nothing at all.
i try to find silver linings. it's what i do, even in the worst of my own situations. i try to stay positive. but no one else wants to be positive. no one else wants to even believe that there could be a silver lining. i tell them that there's no use dwelling on the negative and they need to come up with a plan of action to correct or move on. they don't want to hear it and don't want to believe it. it's like they want to stay stuck in the mud. so then i try to start it for them. i say, "here, let me help you. i'll take care of this and it'll be OK." they don't seem to care because the very next time shit hits the fan, here they are complaining and being negative spouting over and over again what a horrible tragedy this is on top of everything else when all it takes to fix the new situation is a deep breath, taking a minute to think, and then acting to solve the problem. that's when they say things to hurt me or they just don't calm down and let me handle the issue the way that i would without the additional stress that does no one any good at all. i've come to the end of my own rope. i can't help anyone anymore. nothing i say does any good. nothing i do helps them. it's just so damn frustrating because i try and try even though i'm dealing with my own migraines, sadness, and depression. the only thing that makes me not say anything to them is because i know that i've probably done the same thing to someone else. they don't mean to be difficult, this i know. they don't mean to hurt me either so i forgive them and move on, but there comes a point when i can't be positive anymore and i can't keep pushing for that silver because they're so convincing. i know i should be positive, but that's easier said than done. now all i want to do is retreat into my shell. go to sleep and not care. maybe then, my headache would go away. maybe then i could feel better and not cry anymore. just maybe i will.
