Christmas just is not my favorite time of year! I love seeing family but the stress of it all gets to be to much! I want to get my kids the same things everyone else is getting! EGO!
This year is not much different from all the others but yet its worse. I love living in Arizona but the summers can kill you if you don't have proper cooling system which guess what? I don't. Just my luck lol.. I have to keep a sense of humor about all this because other wise I would be getting very depressed. My first summer Bill hit me in May 298.00 and just kept going up another hundred every month. my last bill was oh about 500. and some thing. The heat here where I live can reach 130 NO Shit I'm not lieing! I have a car that doesn't have airconditioning the summers are hell lol but if you go fast enough its cool when your sweating your ass off !! I just kept working and if you know arizona or neveda for that matter the wages are not like you can earn in calif.
Lets just say I make under 10.00 an hour and raising two kids by myself, and an ex boyfriend I had to kick out for lack of support. I ended up taking care of all his needs. If you wonder how I wound up in a situation like this becareful of what you think about is all I can say. Never dwell on what you don't want. This is harder then it seems. I can tell you I thought about all the things I didn't want in a man and I got that man.
I have been studing for the last 16 years on the power of positive thinking so to speak any thing spiritual I can get my hands on. I will read it and try to apply to my life. When you don't grow up learning of anything positive. It's hard to drill it into your brain. One book really did help "power of intention" by Dr Wayne Dryer. This book did change my life! for the better I realized no matter what bullshit I had been through in my life. I was a better person for it. I had to realize that forgiveness was the only way to set my self free finally. It truely is a gift to yourself no one else!! The pain of my past has lifted and I am very thankful for that. It's also a subject I leave in my past. It does not benefit my future.
So now its the end of November I find myself thinking of the christmas holidays. I feel helpless, like a failure and just a let down to my kids. I am sitting here looking at all the christmas boxes. Just waiting to be unpacked and I wonder what's the use? I have too I have two kids I can't disappoint. I have to act like nothing is the matter. I am signing them up today at Salvation Army. I work full time and I am reduced to this. It doesn't seem right!
Then I read about some one elses life that is worse then mine. Then I think what right do I have to feel depressed for? Compared to others hell I have it good. I have food, shelter a car. I am rich compared to someone who doesn't have a home. I'm looking around me being thankful for what I do have. There is a lot to be thankful for once we look around us!
We might have a different holiday then the ones before but I know this something good always comes out of a bad experience its how we choose to see things. I may not be feeling awesome at this very moment. I do know that It will get better! I know God has not forgotten me!!
I didn't really plan on blogging about my difficulties. but hey I feel better already! My dirty little secret is out! ha ha
So when you are feeling blue about the holidays think of the things you do have! and get creative like I am going to have to do! Maybe its going to be one filled with baking gifts or giving the things away we don't use! Also if you could pray for us it would be appreciated! and its all we really need. I believe prayer does change things!
Merry Christmas
Sincerely
Desiree
