Maybe I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque... June 5th, 2006
You can take the sun from the sky:
Make the rain fall down eternal.
You can take the color from the world,
but don't take away you.
You can steal the stars from the heavens:
Tear the belt from Orion.
You can rip the heart from my chest,
but it will still beat for you.
You can pull down the moon
from it's perch above us all:
Crush the petals of every bloom.
I will still need you.
It's funny how a single emotion can cause you to feel in so many different ways. How one day it can make you feel lost and alone, and the next, you feel safe and warm. One moment, you're optimistic and eager, and the next, you're hiding from shadows. One second, it seems to be giving you the power to fly...and the next it sends you hurtling toward the earth. But then again, when you think about it, there is only one human emotion that can cause these manic mood swings. LOVE.
Now, I've mused on this touchy subject a few times before in this blog or others (and there are others for the dilligent reader), but now...at this moment...I will make what is possibly the most blasphemous statement that can ever be made about it. LOVE SUCKS.
In fact, I'm not even 100% certain that love exists...at least not in the form most people tend to look for. I think people spend a lot of time looking for that storybook love...the kind containing a knight atop a white horse or the swashbuckling swordsman dueling for the heart of the fair maiden...you know that shit the romanticists spout. But the problem with fairy tales is that they're TALES. Hell...they're barely a step above tall tales, and that's me being generous.
When I was a little girl(yes, even I was one of those once), I used to read those corny high school romance books. You know the ones...Sweet Valley High and stuff like that. They weren't very realistic...hell...they weren't even well written. Looking back, I marvel at how naive I had to have been to have bought into all of that crap in the first place. I mean, c'mon...nothing in real life could ever fully resolve itself in 250 pages or less. Yet these books did it...and as an added bonus they tied it all up neatly with a pretty pink ribbon and sappy wrapping paper covered in sickly sweet little pink hearts. Pardon me while I barf.
I say that now, but I guess that some part of me continued to believe in the ideas born of such drivel throughout most of my adult life. Perhaps it was my way of trying to find something good in this crazy mixed up world.
But now, as I stare down the gunbarrell at the bullet that is my 33rd birthday, I think it may be time to put aside such childish notions and admit something to myself. That kind of love just doesn't exist. Or worse...maybe it does and I'm just one of those people who were never meant to experience it.
That's not to say that I've never been in love. On the contrary, I've been in what I thought of as love more than once in my lifetime. I think maybe the problem is just that no one's ever been in love with me. Oh...they said the words and did all the right things(for a brief period of time), but in the end, I was left alone to pick up the scattered remains of my heart and try to fit them back together like puzzle pieces. When a puzzle has been played with too often for too long the pieces become bent and torn...and a few become lost altogether. Eventually the time comes to just sweep them all back into the box, put the lid on, and set it up on a high shelf to collect dust and perhaps be forgotten.
I've dispensed a lot of advice on this subject to others...and, oddly enough, it usually works out for them. Still, when it comes to myself, it's as if I walk around wearing the proverbial rose colored glasses. I choose all the wrong guys at all the worst times and make all the bad decisions just to end up right back where I started. I never see the pit I'm about to fall into until I've gone one step too far...and by then it's too late.
Some of you who know me are probably going to ask me "Why now?". I mean, I haven't been in a relationship recently...and the last one I was in was ended by me. To all of you I say this...
WHY NOT?
Maybe it's because in the past week I've been doing a lot of soul searching. To be totally honest, I think it all began with the episode I described in my last blog entry...that epiphany that hit my intoxicated mind in a brilliant and blinding flash of light...that sudden realization that I know exactly what I want...what I have ALWAYS wanted...and I have never had it...and possibly never will. When a person has a moment like that it's time to hit the brakes, shift into park, check the map, and rethink the route you've been taking. Especially when you've been lost for as long as I have. At some point, you just have to ask yourself...where did I make the wrong turn?
I think I know...but it's gonna take a lot of backtracking to get back to where I should be.
Thought for the day: Love is friendship on fire.
It's kinda cold in here right now...
I hope these entries explain was some of you wanted to know. And if you made it all the way through all of that babbling, thank you.
