HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A TECHNO-PAGAN:
You call your corners on a cellular phone
You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard
You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa
You use a remote control in place of an athame
You download your book of shadows
You cast your circle in a chat room
Your familiar is a mouse
You attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer.
Your Yule ritual involves defragmentation
Your altar cloth is a mouse pad
Your cauldron is a crock-pot
Your cone of power has a surge suppressor
Your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.
If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del
TOP TEN REASONS WHY WITCHES DON'T WORSHIP SATAN
10- Scorch marks on the furniture whenever Satan manifests.
9- Not even Lysol can mask the smell of brimstone.
8- Hard to keep flaming goat's skulls lit.
7- Decreased availability of blonde virgins.
6- Blood stains from the sacrifices are *impossible* to get out of the carpet.
5- Wailing of the damned souls in hell keeps the neighbors awake.
4- The cats keep attacking Satan's tail, which annoys him.
3- Repeated stooping motions for administering the Kiss of Shame (is difficult on the older coven members).
2- Demons smell even worse than brimstone
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY WITCHES DON'T WORSHIP SATAN........
1- Impossible to worship something that doesn't exist!!
*What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub? A Self-Cleaning Coven
*What's Wiccan, flies around, and makes honey? The Blessed Bee!
*What's another name for a solitary Wiccan? Craft single.
*What do you say to an angry witch? Ribbit
*How do you tell a NewAge witch from a NeoPagan Witch? You throw them both in the water. The NeoPagan Witch will float, whereas the NewAge Witch will sink under the weight of all their (overpriced) crystals....
*How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb? Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!
*How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb? It's a third degree secret.
*How many Alexandrian witches does it take to change a light bulb? "Lets go see how the Gardnerians do it!"
*How many solitary witches does it take to change a light bulb? (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)
*How many years does it take for a solitary witch to change a light bulb? How long does it take to get one out of the closet?
*-The Mighty God Thor was riding across the skies on his fiery steed Pegasus. He raised his hammer and bellowed, "I'M THOR! I'M THOR!" Pegasus looked up at him and muttered, "You thoulda wore your thaddle, thilly."
*How many Native Americans does it take to change a light bulb? Four---one to do the work and three to sing the Light Bulb Changing Song.
* What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh!^..."
WICCAN WONDERLAND
Tarot cards are you listening
Crystal balls are you glistening
The quarters are charged, we're wizards at large
We're walking in a Wiccan Wonderland
In the meadow we will cast a circle
And pretend that it's a geosphere
We'll have lots of fun upon the altar
Until an evil spirit chances near
Later on we'll perspire
And get drunk by the fire
We'll dance without clothes 'cause nobody knows
We're walking in a Wiccan Wonderland
All you Pagans come on gather round us
Raise your chalice and join in our cheer
We'll have lots of cakes until the Sun comes
And chase it with another keg of beer.
After all is said and done
Bye to Spirits that have come
Please stay if you will or go if you must
We're walking in a Wiccan Wonderland
WHY M&M'S ARE WICCAN:
* MM = Merry Meet
* Round shape for wheel of the year, cycle of seasons
* Skins are different colors, but the inside is the same chocolate, because we are all related
* Associations with the colors:
Red = South
Green = West
Dark Brown = North
Yellow = East
Orange = For the Solar God
Light Brown = For the Earth Mother
* Rotate the M & M:
M = 13th letter of alphabet, and there are 13 witches in a coven
3 = Triple Goddess, three phases of moon
W = Witchcraft, Wiccan
E = Enlightenment
A Fairy Tale for the Woman of the New Millennium
Once upon a time, in a land far away, A beautiful, independent, self assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:
I don't freaking think so.
SOME COMPUTER VIRUSES:
Ellen Degeneres virus....Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virus... Sucks all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virus........... Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus.............Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Mike Tyson virus.........Quits after one byte
Lorena Bobbit virus.... Turns your hard disk into a 3.5-inch floppy
Tim Allen virus..........Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive
Woody Allen virus........Bypasses the motherboard and turns on daughter card
Saddam Hussein virus. ...Won't let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virus......Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
Joey Buttafuoco virus....Only attacks minor files
X-files virus............All your Icons start shape-shifting
Ronald Reagan virus......Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus.....Deletes your old files
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
THE MOST TOYS..........
* Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
* Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
* Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
* Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
* Anglican - They were our toys first.
* Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
* Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
* Atheism - There is no toy maker.
* Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
* Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
* Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
* Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling yours.
* Baha'i - All toys are just fine with us.
* Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
* Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
* Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
* Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...
* Hedonsim - Hang the rule book! Let's play!
* 7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
* Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
* Baptist - Once played always played.
* Jehovah's Witnesses - He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins.
* Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
* Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
* Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
* Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play.
CATS.............
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.
Dear Goddess, Astrological Signs
ARIES: Dear Goddess, please give me patience...and could you do it right now?
TAURUS: Dear Goddess, help me accept change, but not too quick.
GEMINI: Dear Goddess! Who is Goddess? Where is Goddess? Why is Goddess?
CANCER: DEAR GODDESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LEO: Yes?
VIRGO: Dear Goddess, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like You did the last time!
LIBRA: Dear Goddess, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do You think is best?
SCORPIO: Our Mother, an' it harm none, even though the bastards deserve it!
SAGITTARIUS: Dear Goddess, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times....help me stop exaggerating.
CAPRICORN: Dear Goddess! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!
AQUARIUS: Dear Goddess, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!!
PISCES: Dear Goddess, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation in Your honor.
