JOKERDOWG ct husband to twinkle bug an...'s blog: "POEMS FOR MARIE MY LOVE"

Sunday, March 26, 2006 my life Current mood: depressed Category: Life It started back when I was just five years old, I remember it like it was yesterday... I was coming back from California, I went there with my babysitter when we pulled up to the house there was no body there. The house was completely empty & not a single neighbor knew where they went. All anyone could tell me was that they'd left in the middle of the night. My babysitter decided to take me to her mom's (we all called her grandma) house to see if she had heard anything & to see if maybe my sister was there. She lived only a couple of blocks from "grandma" but she hadn't heard anything either. This was the beginning of my new life with new parents. Everything was good for awhile, we used to go on alot of outtings like camping in the summer @ Fort Stevens Natural Park on the Oregon Coast. It used to be so cool, once we even went to Canada on Motorcycles....they had to bungie me on when I got tired, it was so much fun! Before I knew it, they started having kids of there own & that is when my life started to get screwed up. I was still pretty young (about 10yrs. old) when I started seeing things I shouldn't have been seeing, my grandma selling weed, my uncles running a Harley Davidson gang....not to mention they we making & selling Meth as well. After witnessing this things for so long I became cirious. My step parent had two kids nowso I was pretty much pushed to the corner. My step parents weren't getting along either, my step dad fell in love with another woman that he worked with so ovitually they got devorcied, things got even worse then. She re-married to an asshole who didn't like me at all. One day I asked him if I could go to my friends house because my step mom worked in a bar & didn't get home until around 10pm. He said ok, when I asked what time he wanted me home, he said "Don't come home at all, this is my house and I don't want you here anymore.", so I left. The first day was fun, I got to sleep in my friends tree fort in the backyard. It was to cold to sleep outside so I called my aunt (we will call her Mary), turned out she knew where my family had moved. Infact she had my older sister (we will call her Jane). I found out they kept in contact with my family, Mary & Jane came & picked me up that night from a place we used to call Felony Flats. We went back to her house in West Linn, Mary's husband owned a Mercedes shop in Portland so there house was amazing! See as they were well off & I was just a street kid, I didn't fit in so they called my mom & set up a meeting place. They droped me off at a Dairy Queen somewhere Between Portland & Seaside. By the time we arrived it was late so I went straight to bed. My mom lived in a crapy little shack in Seaside, a 2 bedroom for 4 kids & 2 adults. When I woke up in the morning there were 2 little kids starring over me, came to find out they were my siblings. She abandoned me only to have 2 more kids, so now I really fill wanted right? Considering I haven't been to school for over a month they decided to enroll me into a little hick school, I went for about 2 days before getting expelled for fighting. One day I hadn't eatin' breakfast so around 1pm I was just about starving so I decided to ask mom if I could make some Mac & Cheese, she replied with "You know what how to cook anything". I informed her that I'd been cooking for a long time but she still said no so I ask her to make it for me & she refused to do that too. That day my older siser was home from school (I still am not sure why) so I asked if she could make it for me, mom told me to go outside & she'd see. I was pissed off by now because I was hungry & it seemed like I'd never get to eat but I did as I was told & went outside to play. Knowing that it only takes about 15 minutes to make Mac & Cheese I waited about that long before heading back to the house only to find out I've been locked out. I knock on the door & she yells through the door that I wasn't going to get anything & that I could wait until dinner. Now let me remind you, it was only 1pm & I hadn't eaten a thing all day. I'm hungry so started pounding on the door only to be called a little bastard by my own mother. I'm mad now so I start yelling back at her continuing to pound on the door, some how one of the little windows brake & she started calling me more names. She said something like "You littke pun, you mother fucking bastard, I'm calling the cops & you're going to jail you son of a bitch."....she didn't seem to care my hand was bleeding. She called the police just like she said....they came & cuffed me, put me in the cop car & ran my name only to find out I was a runaway from Portland (my foster parents had reported it). The officer couldn't figure it out so he went to talk to my mom about it because he thought I was possibly kidnapped. After he found out she was my mother he told her there was nothing he could do because I was so young at the time. The state the aiting to place me in a group home, only I wasn't told about that until it happened. In the mean time I was still living with my mom. During the month I was with mom her husband started in with me (we will call him Petti).... I guess he was not attracted to my mother because he started abusing me. First it was touching private parts, then oral sex & than finally he forced me to endure physical sex. I just wanted to kill him so much, I wanted to tell someone but I was afraid. He'd threaten to kill my sister & mother so all I could do is take the abuse, it was the longest month of my life. After the longest month in my entire life, the state came. I thought the sin of bitch was going down only to find out I was going to be shiped off to Edgeville (a boys home) in Troutdale

A magic moment I remember: I raised my eyes and you were there. A fleeting vision, the quintessence Of all that's beautiful and rare. I pray to mute despair and anguish To vain pursuits the world esteems, Long did I near your soothing accents, Long did your features haunt my dreams. Time passed- A rebel storm-blast scattered The reveries that once were mine And I forgot your soothing accents, Your features gracefully divine. In dark days of enforced retirement I gazed upon grey skies above With no ideals to inspire me, No one to cry for, live for, love. Then came a moment of renaissance, I looked up- you again are there, A fleeting vision, the quintessence Of all that`s beautiful and rare

So, we'll go no more a-roving So late into the night, Though the heart be still as loving And the moon be still as bright. For the sword outwears its sheath And the soul wears out the breast And a heart must pause to breathe And love itself have rest. Though the night was made for loving And the day returns too soon, Yet, we'll go no more a-roving By the light of the moon.

Go and catch a falling star, Get with child a mandrake root, Tell me where all past years are, Or who cleft the devil's foot, Teach me to hear mermaids' singing, Or to keep off envy's stinging, And find What wind Serves to advance an honest mind. If thou be'st born to strange sights, Things invisible go see, Ride ten thousand days and nights, Till Age snow white hairs on thee; Thou, when thou return'st, wilt tell me All strange wonders that befell thee, And swear No where Lives a woman true and fair. If thou find'st one, let me know; Such a pilgrimage were sweet, Yet do not; I would not go, Though at next door we might meet. Though she were true when you met her, And last till you write your letter Yet she Will be False, ere I come, to two or three

She walks in beauty, like the night Of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that's best of dark and bright Meet in her aspect and her eyes: Thus mellow'd to that tender light Which heaven to gaudy day denies. One shade the more, one ray the less, Had half impair'd the nameless grace Which waves in every raven tress, Or softly lightens o'er her face; Where thoughts serenely sweet express How pure, how dear their dwelling-place. And on that cheek, and o'er that brow, So soft, so calm, yet eloquent, The smiles that win, the tints that glow, But tell of days in goodness spent, A mind at peace with all below, A heart whose love is innocent!