re sweetbluevixen's blog: "re's ramblings and thoughts"

MY RESOLUTION FOR 2007 Hear my prayer for this coming year I have felt so alone and My heart is broken When I thought it was safe from infection Along came someone I hoped would help me mend I wanted badly the medicine I hoped would cure but side affects hurt more than the pain ever could I tryed so hard to tolerate this pain but could not as i waited for my cure I realized my pills were nothing they were no more than a plazebo so to protect my heart from this infection I decided no longer to take the pain that i decided that as of the approaching NEW YEAR I will protect this precious thing I call my heart Because a real love should cause no pain it should heal all wounds it should have no bad side effects It should never hurt this is my plan for the coming year

I told the lawyer the most important person in my life is my daughter and her best friend you see I lost contact with my best friend about the same age my daughters friend moved away I lost someone who I loved dearly and was a regret that she is no longer in my life and aren't we suppose to be able to do better and give our children more well this is my gift to her and want both to stay in each others lives as long as they wish to and i am the kind of mom who my daughter can come to and i know they wish go to college and be able to see each other and 4 a long time they haven't i want them to continue to have that sisterhood because i have grown to love her as my child in my heart. the lawyer looks at me takes a deep breath and says what do "you" want I look at him for a very long time and say to him this is what I want. I know Miss Seus your family will be taken care of tell me if you wanted something for yourself what would it be I close my eyes and say I want to live a healthier life be happy with my body and to finish one thing I always put aside my dreams to finish school and finally decide what I want to be want to be when I grew up. yes I want a place of my own of course but I want to finish schoolmore than anything but, there is something you can never ever give me and he looks at me puzzled and i say to him I need to make coffee and ask if he needed a cup and says yes thank-you I go in to start the coffee light a cigarette and my mind is on my heart and the 2 men who broke it there was never really closure in my mind but always hopefull that my heart is open for love. I come in with the coffe and serve. I sit look at him and say You can never give me the love I had never had returned to me and you can't make either of them love me. I may never find a true love in my life and all the money in the world could ever fix that. I am not bitter I'm not angry just very sad and lonely inside. I find that i fall for men that are not avaiable to give me love and have no intention sharing a life but if I can show them one thing that i can finish. I would like to sit with them one day and thank them for being a part of my life and finally close the door than maybe I can look at myself and see me smile and truly be happy without thinking what i could have done diffently to have them love me back. Is that selfish enough. I want to stand up and say you didn't break me and I love you but I have my love of myself that takes center stage. The Lawyer looked at me with a smile. "My employer never met you only seen your picture and found a few things about you. he is a wealthy man but his life will be short he was somewhat taken with you now I see why he will grant all your wants to be met but once you are established to not need any finanical help you are on your own but you must follow thru with what you need to do. So this is it I have a dream and this is it I will find my success all i need is a chance and someone to believe in me.

sometimes when i feel hopeless and alone in this world and i wish all my problems would just disappear and go away. i dream someday someone would help me start over take some of the burdens i try so hard to remedy my self but I can't no matter how much i try those times of powerlessness come and i pray for the strength to bear with it. though i no longer have the tears to cry anymore, the quilt I carry remains. Once I worked and cared for my family was able to travel and give my family the comforts that i was afforded. the last couple of years have been hard and extremely difficult and what i took for granted was gone. I have learned to accept what i no longer have. I have blamed myself because of the poor choices I have made in life not all of this was true. when i had I gave My time heart and love without a thought or recognition. I still give my heart and love because I refuse to believe that should stop because i have nothing I am still in this world and I have to believe I still have alot to offer. My dream is this; One day a knock is on the door A man comes to the door and he introduces himself as a lawyer. A lawyer all I can think of is What did that freak brother frank do to ruin our lives now. this Man has had us sued for making the neighbors ill by burning treated wood in the garage the house was almost lost because of his drug problems and bailed him out of jail too many times to count but is the preferred son of the three remaining children by My mother she all but cannonized him but I am very nervous what now have we lost the house and become homeless and this man has come to give us notice but no he has come to see me and I ask him why am I in trouble he laughs and say no he tells me his employer wishes to help me. I'm weak and so taken aback I cry and ask why? He tells me his employer see's something in me something real that what whatever i have would be shared and would make other people lives better. All i could think yes i need and want but My thomas this wonderful hardworking man what can i do for him. the lawyer asks what do you want what do YOU really want. I say to him I want all debts and bills paid this home fixed and restored so my mom can come home and live comfortable and my brother not to worry if the oil or light bill is paid instead of my mothers social security check going to the morgage and her doing without her medicine that she can have clean home and not worry about tomorrow she maybe sick and bitter but she still is my mother. my next problem is frank I need to have him faraway enough to not cause us anymore pain. Next thing i really need is all my daughters needs to be met. I promiced her thatI would give her everything I never had I have my love but thats not enough she has a future I want to give her that option. she also has a friend i want her to also have a future i love her because she gave my daughter what i couldn't give her a friendship you see this child took a lonely isolated child and gave her the attention my daughter needed i want for both to live their dreams. too be continued

i was chatting with this guy i really like we went out twice and are very attracted to each other but he's backs off does a disappearing act i told him i like him but i also asked if i should stop wanting to see him he keeps saying no and says im sweet and sexy but i have a feeling i'm being played again i really have those feelings so much my heart beats so much faster when we chat. i've told him over and over don't play games with me because i am so damn vulnerable now nobody has given me those weird feelings for a long time and am so afraid i'm setting myself up to be hurt again. should i just walk away put a end to it or just go with the flow maybe he's afraid to get close to me i feel sick rightnow i hate when my stomach gets twisted why do i find men who just want to play a game like this. it bad enuff with the younger men who want to just bang me men who want no physical contact just get off on cybersex even fetishs who want a piece of my clothing i know and i try to separate real and fantasy but i'm tired i already know i'm a sweet sentimental person i know i know i deserve the real thing i'm a great friend a gentle lover and all the trapping from being a good girl i can't be nasty or rude not in my nature just too nice sometimes i have a sign sometimes that reads pushover. i don't believe i'm crazy just too damn easily hurt. i am tough on other things just men but back to this i need some opinions feedback and after my mumm disaster today won't do that again.

WHY DO YOUNG MEN ALWAYS HIT ON ME?? As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting. A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it... Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know. A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.... Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not always reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.