They just spammed me so I figured I would share some of the email...
According to the Society of Pulling Numbers out of a Hat, 36.385% of the population breaks their New Year's resolutions within five minutes of making them. It reminds me of an anecdote sent to us by a reader, Marjorie Waters. She was having lunch with a friend, who complained, "Every year I resolve to lose weight and save money, but I always get them mixed up."
Unlike Marjorie's friend, I keep all of my New Year's resolutions, every single one. How do I do it? Quite simple, really. After years of introspection and many sessions with a Magic 8-Ball, I've developed a healthy understanding of what I can and cannot do. Therefore, I keep my resolutions realistic. For example, a few years ago I resolved to gain five pounds. And I did. Last year I decided that I didn't know enough curse words. Today my vocabulary is much richer. And as for 2007? This will be the year I don't clean up my garage.
Anything funny happen to you while trying to keep your resolutions? Send it to us. If we publish it in the magazine, we'll pay you.
In the meantime, enjoy some laughs from our upcoming February issue.
Till next month,
Andy Simmons
Senior Editor
Click here for some fun resolutions you can stick with.
Dave irritated everyone in our office. Whether it was the tone of his voice or his condescending attitude, we all steered clear. He must have suspected he was annoying, because he asked a co-worker, "Why does everyone take an instant dislike to me?"
Larry responded, "It saves time."
Submitted by David Goehring
Read more All in a Day's Work jokes
So this penguin walked into a bar and said, "Has my father been in here?"
"I don't know," the bartender said. "What does he look like?"
Read more jokes at RD.com
Last Chance! There's Still Time to Win That Trip to New York City!. Put your joke where your mouth is! Call our Tell-Us-A-Joke Contest phone line, tell us your funniest funny bit, and we might just fly you and a companion to New York City, where you'll perform live at a top comedy club, along with pros like Caroline Rhea and Jim Gaffigan. But do it soon. The contest ends December 31st. Find out how to enter today!
Watch highlights of our star-studded show and listen to the winning jokes.
They say marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.
-- Clint Eastwood
Read more Quotable Quotes on RD.com!
Who Said It?
"Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for."
a) David Letterman
b) Jerry Seinfeld
c) Adam Sandler
Scroll to the bottom of your newsletter to find the answer.
Say It With Flowers
When she got flowers from her husband on Valentine's Day, my daughter's friend quickly opened the card. All it said was "No." What did that mean?
She called her husband, who said, "I didn't attach any message. The florist asked if I had a message and I said, 'No.'"
-- Janet Cutmore
Love hurts, but it can be funny too. Send us your funny Valentine's Day stories. If we publish it, we'll pay you!
Recently my girlfriend, Karen, got a job at a local hardware store. "The owner doesn't want us hanging out with our friends," she said. "If you stop by, tell them you're my brother."
On my first visit I walked to the customer service desk and asked the older woman there, "Is Karen around?" When she looked at me quizzically, I added, "I'm her brother."
She smiled. "What a nice surprise. I'm Karen's mother."
Submitted by Anand Maharaj
Read more Life in These United States Jokes
Arm yourself with plenty of jokes for the holidays with the new
Collector's Edition of Laughter, the Best Medicine.
With 2,400 jokes, quotes, stories, and cartoons, you'll have your family and friends laughing until the new year. Order today!
Here's a good one:
Vacationing in Arizona, a group of British tourists spot a cowboy lying on the road with his ear to the ground. "What's going on?" they ask.
"Two horses -- one gray, one chestnut -- are pulling a wagon carrying two men," the cowboy says. "One man is wearing a red shirt, the other a black shirt. They're heading east."
"Wow!" says one of the tourists. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," says the cowboy. "They just ran over me."
Submitted by John Gamba
Buy a copy now!
Play Spring, Sprang, Sprung -- for Free!
Think you're good at puzzles? Then you'll love the new hit game Spring,Sprang, Sprung from RealArcade. Own the full version of this new challenge (a $20 offer) for free!
Just how obstreperous are you?
Play Super Word Power, and find out!
Officer Candidate School at Fort Sill, Oklahoma, was tough. During an inspection, a fellow soldier received 30 demerits for a single penny found in his area. Ten demerits were for "valuables insecure," ten demerits because the penny wasn't shined, and ten more because Abraham Lincoln needed a shave.
-- Jack Howell
Read more Humor in Uniform Jokes
for true, never-before-published stories we print in Reader's Digest magazine in Life in These United States, All in a Day's Work, Humor in Uniform or Virtual Hilarity.
for the submission of a previously published or original item we print in Laughter, the Best Medicine; in Quotable Quotes; or elsewhere, as a short item.
Here's to the Great Indoors
My husband and I are from the "Live Free or Die" state, New Hampshire. Once, while visiting an island in the Caribbean, we started chatting with a resident and our home state came up.
"I spent the coldest winter of my life in New Hampshire," he told us. "Your state motto really fits -- 'Live, Freeze and Die.'"
Submitted by Christine McCarthy
