Uhisati Adanata's blog: "Reality Check..."

Hey there so this is just a quick update on my last blog entry... My Grandmother went to the hospital at 2 a.m. lastnight because she was having major hallucinations. She was convinced that my Grandfather was there and that her children were young. She was also seeing what I guess could be concidered angelic figures and for some reason a house on fire. So it turns out that she has pnemonia and that is most likely what was causing the hallucinations. I'm worried about her but trying to keep posotive thoughts. Anyway I guess that's all. ~Love & Hugs~

These songs kinda help tell where my head is right now. Different songs apply to different people and situations in my life currently...

I'm terrified and I don't know what else to do other than put it in a blog. So goodness where do I start. I suppose I'll start with the fact that we're a month away from the year anniversery of my Grandfathers death. This is pretty hard for everyone to deal with but of course it's hardest on my Grandmother. She has been living with my Mother since she had a pace maker put in and I am now temporarily staying with my Mother as well. Everything was okay for the first few days but now things are taking a turn for the worse. Over the last few days my Grandmother has been becoming quite sick and lastnight she took a pretty bad fall off the edge of her bed. It took both my Mom and I to get her back up. So... Now my Grandmother has herself set in that state of mind where she's convinced she's gonna die. She had both my Mother and I in tears a little while ago listening to the way she was talking. She wants so badly to get the entire family together before she goes but my Mom and I bith know it will never happen due to the selfishness of some people in this family. So I guess to sum this all up if she's not doing any better by tomorrow we're probably going to have to send her to the hospital. My biggest fear however is that if she doesn't get out of this mind set and depression that she is that she may end up joining my Grandfather on or before the year anniversery of his passing. I just don't know how well it could be handled by my Mom and I if that happend... Especially with her in the same house that would just make it ten times harder. Anyway enough of my depressing bullshit for now. Love & Hugs to all...

Buried at PhotoCasket.com I have decided that I'm going to confess my mistakes, the price I pay for these mistakes and the way I feel about all of it. Almost two years ago I met a man who ended up being the most wonderful man I'd ever had the chance to love. I grew to love him more and more with every passing day. Of course we had good times and bad ones but even though the bad times sucked the good ones were so wonderful that I don't think anything could compare. Unfortunatly earlier this year he had to leave and that's where my horrable mistakes began. I let my pain, saddness, lonliness and fears take control of me. The first huge mistake I made was letting this man go. Not only did the things mentioned before cause me to do this but there was one other thing. I started to believe that I would never do anything except hold him back and the he would be much better off without me. So even though in my heart I didn't really want to let go of him I did. It was one of the hardest and most painful things I ever did. Second mistake was letting somone into my life that I really shouldn't have. At first he played the part of a decent friend and as time went by during my lowest point he managed to make himself more. Turns out though the only things he manged to do was hurt me both physically and emotionally and unfortuantly he got me pregnant. I manages though to gather up what strength I had left and get him out of my life as quickly as I let him in. (About the only thing I did right.) Now back to the man I spoke of originally. We started talking again and for a while things were going really well. I let myself believe that we might have a second chance to try and make things work. I know that he is my true love and I don't believe that is something you get more than one chance at in a life time. I will never find anyone that can compare to him, love me the way he loved me or make me feel the way he can. I know this in my heart and I have no urge to even try. I so looked foward to talking to him everyday be it on the computer or on the phone. It was something that would shine a little light on my days. When he would say he loved me my heart would melt and I would feel this extream warmth well up inside of me. Anyway now I'm not so sure that this second chance will happen because of the stupid mistakes I made and the pain I caused. I don't blame him for having doubts and I'm not angry because of it I mean who could be after the things that happend. I want him to know though that I love him and care for him more than I could possably express to you here. I don't think he know the lengths I would be willing to go to try and make things right if given the chance. I will love him forever this I know there is nothing I can do that will make those feelings stop, I mean I tried and it was impossable. No matter what he will always have a special place in my heart and that's just the way it is. Anyway I'm going to stop rambling on now but I may start again later you never know.
Buried at PhotoCasket.com

What's the point of life in this world, or is there a point at all? Anyone have any opinions on this, if you have one I'd love to hear it. I've been ponderring this alot lately. Is it to make youself happy, is it to make others happy. Is it to work your life away just to try and make it by. There are so many ideas and no answer that is going to work for all. I thought I knew what would atleast make me happy but you see now I don't even know if it's within my reach. Should I just put that aside and look for something else or should I keep fighting for it. Who knows hopefully the answer to all these things will come to me soon. I hope so because I may go bonkers otherwise.

I think it's time to distance myself from the world even more than I already have. People do nothing but disapoint it seems. And I feel like nothing I do is good enough these days. I just don't know if I have the energy to try for others anymore. Trying to make others happy just seems an impossable task so I'm begining to wonder what the point of trying is. I'm beginning to think that I'd just be better off basically becoming a selfish bitch. Maybe then life would be easier. I'll always no matter what do anything in my power for my children but I just don't know about anyone else anymore. Why bother if what I have to offer is never going to be enough???