Reflections on the pursuit of happiness
With everything that has happened to me as of late, not to mention the passing of my Daddy, recently I've really been taking some time to reflect on some of the things that he shared with me about life.
I used to sit on Daddy's lap and he would tell me that I was so smart that I could be anything in this world that I wanted to be. I just had to decide what I truly loved and was passionate about. He told me for years to do what I wanted to do and not let anyone tell you any different because that is what happened with him and Grandpa at the bakery. He wanted so much more for his life and the bakery was not what he wanted. He used to tell me, "Kristina you are something special. I've never had control over your life. Your life is in God's hands and he's looking over you. He has a specific purpose for you and you have to seek it. You are one of God's chosen."
I used to sit and think, Gee thanks Dad...No pressure! But for some reason he honestly believed this of me all the way up until the day he passed. He was telling my sister and neice about it just before he passed. I don't know. I've never considered myself anything more special than anything else and doesn't everyone have a purpose?
Now, even though Daddy always told me that, he still insisted through the years that I become a teacher. When I first went to college I went for teaching. I was trying to do what my Daddy told me was my calling. I could really reach people and could make a difference he said. I had the power to change the world.
Now as much as I love kids, I didn't love the educational system. If any of you know me by now, you all know that I'm an extremely verbal person and as a teacher you just can't be that way. I tried going to college for teaching for 2 years. I couldn't stand it. I hated the politics and the constant backstabbing by the fellow teachers.
This is when I decided to take some of those career tests and find out what I was best suited for. I settled on business management. I was raised in a family business and knew my way around the bookkeeping aspects and daily operations from sitting with my Daddy and my Grandpa.
Well, when I first told Daddy that I had changed my major to Business, he went ballistic! He wanted me to be a teacher. I'm destined to make a difference. I have a gift like no others. People open up to me and kids like me. Why was I fighting fate? After several years of going round and round about this issue you would have thought that he would have given up on it. He harassed me all the way up until the day he died about being a teacher. Now granted this is the same man that told me never let anyone talk you into doing something that you don't want to do. Follow your dreams. Follow your passion.
So upon reflecting on the recent events and really searching through my life I have pounced upon a revelation. All I really want is to be happy but that is a tall order to fill. It's not like I can just go to the Burger King drive thru and order up a big ole heaping helping of happiness. You have to seek out your happiness and sometimes you don't find it immediately. Happiness takes time and patience. Sometimes the true happiness you desire is sitting right in front of you but you were to busy seeking it to notice it was there.
This is a lesson in sitting up, paying attention, and living in the moment. Through the years I have sought out many different educational routes on my way to my happiness or what I thought would bring me happiness. I thought I wanted to do this. I thought I wanted to do that. The hard thing about all of this is the simple fact that the things I have done, I have done REALLY well. I know now what Daddy was talking about when he said that I was smart enough to do anything that I wanted. I just needed to pick what it was that I truly wanted. Do you know how hard that is when you are good at just about anything you do? It's a double edged sword.
I have sought out many different avenues and career paths during my lifetime. So here I am at age 32, with no college degree but with more credits than most people have with a bachelor's degree. I have studied more topics, bought more books, learned more things on my own than was ever taught to me in all the numerous college classes I've taken through the years.
So what do I do now? All I want is to be happy. But what is happiness? In this reflection I have come to realize that happiness is contentment in your heart. I have that already. I am content with myself. I know that I'm a good person. I know my personality flaws and what I need to improve upon and what my strengths and weaknesses are. I have accepted myself for whom and what I am. I am content with that.
Upon looking at my career paths, past, present and future, it doesn't really matter what I chose to do as a career as long as it keeps my heart content. I think this was some of Daddy's problem. All the way up until the day he died he spoke about wishing he had studied something else. He regretted not becoming a teacher, staying in the military, not practicing his law degree that he held. He regretted a lot of things instead of patting himself on the back for everything he accomplished.
The pastor at his funeral was speaking so highly of my Daddy when he was talking about all the numerous conversations they had together and he said in amazement that he had no idea how a man who had only been on this earth for 66 short years could accomplish what he did. My Daddy was a business owner, baker, and father of 5 children; husband, brother, son, nephew, uncle, grandfather of 10 grandchildren, and great grandfather of 1 grandchild. He was a private pilot that owned his own airplane, a pastor in the Baptist church, a lawyer with a doctorate of law, and an income tax preparer. Mostly importantly he was Santa Claus every year!
This man went to his dying bed feeling as if he hadn't accomplished anything. He never cut himself any slack or patted himself on the back for what he did accomplish. I have vowed not to be that way with myself from this point forward. I know that just in my short 32 years I have accomplished a lot compared to most people my age.
I have to say that I am my father's daughter. Up until the day he died I never cut myself any slack and felt like I hadn't accomplished anything and have been frustrated about not having my bachelor's degree yet. Although I do have more than enough credits for a bachelor's degree just nothing degree specific. I have my income tax certification, my life insurance license as well as many other things.
I am still in the process of obtaining my bachelor's degree and making it major specific. I will have to say that my Dad had a running start on me when it came to the family process because I haven't started that yet but with everything else I think I'm following in his ADD footsteps. I will say though that if I had my choice I would die the same way he did. I would have $3.00 in my wallet and a pocketful of pictures.
His wallet spoke of his pursuit of happiness. He may not have felt like he accomplished a whole lot in his life but he left behind a legacy of children and grandchildren that he taught many lessons during their lifetimes. And as far as I am concerned, he left behind his twin in me because I am not a lawyer, pilot, baker, business owner, pastor, income tax preparer, but I am a massage therapist, a business owner, income tax preparer, speed date facilitator, event planner, and life coach.
I went to visit his grave this past Thursday and sat and cried myself into a stupor. I'm so lost without him. He was my best friend, my mentor, my pastor, my teacher, and most importantly my inspiration. I stopped in at St. Vincent's because a friend of mine was there and had surgery. I got a chance to see a couple of his doctors that worked on him from January through April.
What they said to me was absolutely inspiring. They said that your Dad was so sick and not matter how sick he was, he never got angry, never got mad, never wanted to bother. Most people in his condition get crotchety and put the nurses and doctors through some difficult times. The one doctor specifically stated that, "Your Dad was a good man. He was always happy. He always had something to say and he never lost his way. It was my pleasure to work on him in his last days. I was honored to have a patient of his nature and stature."
Who Knew???? **sighs** In his pursuit of happiness he easily obtained it through his children and his grace from God. The people that worked on him in the very end of his life, who barely knew him at all said that he was a happy man. That's all that matters. I am my father's daughter and I can only hope I will pass with such a legacy of wisdom and strength that he has left behind. Not to mention a pocket full of pictures and $3.00.
Who Knew?
