Next time you get into an argument with someone instead of telling them to eff off use one of these insults, guaranteed to work every time, or your money back:
I find the ass in compound with the major part of your syllables.
Thou qualling plume-plucked pignut.
Thou lumpish scurvy-valiant death-token.
Thou artless bat-fowling codpiece.
Thou qualling clapper-clawed coxcomb.
Thou hast neither heat, affection, limb, nor beauty to make thy riches pleasant.
Thou spongy tickle-brained bladder.
Thou burly-boned pottle-deep maggot-pie.
What, you egg! Young fry of treachery!
Thou yeasty folly-fallen pigeon-egg.
Thou art a dull and muddy-mettled rascal.
Thou errant idle-headed gudgeon.
Thou mountain of mad flesh.
Thy lips rot off
Thy sin's not accidental, but a trade.
A weasel hath not such a deal of spleen as you are toss'd with.
Your bum is the greatest thing about you; so that in the beastliest sense, you are Pompey the Great.
Thine face is not worth sunburning.
Thou burly-boned crook-pated gudgeon.
The most infectious pestilence upon thee.
You are a shallow cowardly hind, and you lie.
Thou odiferous bat-fowling lout.
Thou loathed issue of thy father's loins.
Thou art not noble; for all th'accommodations that thou bear'st are nurs'd by baseness.
Would the fountain of your mind were clear again, that I might water an ass at it.
Go, ye giddy goose.
Thou frothy fat-kidneyed devil-mon.
Your bedded hair, like life in excrements, start up and stand on end.
Thou craven dismal-dreaming horn-beast.
Wherein [art thou] good, but to taste sack and drink it? Wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon and eat it? Wherein cunning, but in craft? Wherein crafty but in villainy? Wherein villainous, but in all things? Wherein worthy but in nothing?
Thou art a most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.
If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make the diseases.
Thou art relish'd of a base descent.
Thou mangled crook-pated canker-blossom
You do unbend your noble strength, to think
So brainsickly of things.
Thine horrid image doth unfix my hair.
Thou reeky idle-headed horn-beast.
Pall thee in the dunnest smoke of Hell.
O teach me how I should forget to think.
Thy food is such as hath been belch'd upon by infected lungs.
Thou lumpish half-faced flap-dragon.
Your bait of falsehood takes this carp of truth.
Thou subtle, perjur'd, false, disloyal man.
Thou art as loathsome as a toad.
Thou fobbing fool-born boar-pig.
Thou errant malmsey-nosed devil-mon.
Thou paunchy shard-borne hugger-mugger.
Your face is as a book, where men may read strange matters.
Thou art a very superficial, ignorant, unweighing fellow.
If thou dost marry, I'll give thee this plague for thy dowry.
Thou clouted rough-hewn measle.
Thou jarring idle-headed apple-john.
Draw your neck out of your collar.
Thy head stands so tickle on thy shoulders, that a milkmaid, if she be in love, may sigh it off.
Degenerate and base art thou.
Thou ruttish folly-fallen whey-face.
Confusion now hath made his masterpiece.
I will most humbly take my leave of you. You cannot, sir, take from me anything that I will not more willingly part withal.
