So I get out of the shower not too long ago, get all dressed, and other things and I look at myself in the mirror and I think to myself, "Why can't I see what other's see?"
I stand there studying every bit of myself. Sometimes I think that I may see something but it just fades. So I try getting that thing whatever I saw back into my head but it doesn't return.
I continue to study myself. I look at my hair, my eyes, face and down towards my belly. I do that stupid sideway look towards the mirror and pat my belly. I just hate what I see. I can't see what other see so when I can't see it, I feel that they're lieing to me.
Why do I worry so much of how I look? Why can't I just deal with it? Or why can't I just see what other's see. I know that I put myself down a lot, and I honestly hate it when I do that but I can't help it.
Sure, sometimes I get bored and I take random photos of myself, trying to find something that's semi decent and when I do...I share it...then I learn to hate it. Why do I do that? I was looking at my wedding photos a few days ago. I always thought that the bride was suppose to be pretty and shit but I hated my photos. I looked so nasty. Like I was some big marshmallow that was burnt at the top.
Then I look at my other photos to my more recent ones. I haven't really changed much...still the ugly self. And sometimes I feel that when people see my photos, I think I look so different in my photos compared to what I look like in person...so I dont' believe their words what they say and I always worry what they'd think in person. Why do I care so much? Why do I even bother. I can't even except Richard's words.
I've been trying to lose weight and so far I've lost 5 lbs and I've been keeping it off. Which is good. I want to lose so much weight so I could feel better about myself...but then I get to thinking, would I really feel better about myself if I had a smaller figure? Yeah, sometimes I think that to only be pretty, good looking, etc etc is to have a perfect body... just how society lays it down on people I guess..but I know that's not true. I know that I dont' look at any males like that. I think that any of those modelish guys, with muscles, and all that shit that supposeably chicks go Ga Ga over are nasty.
I was at Starbucks with Kari the other night and there was some sleezy blonde chick wearing the skankist clothes...the mini skirt really showed. Don't know why the hell she was wearing that because it's fuckin' cold out. Was she showing off what she thought she got? She was ugly, but I could see why and how guys would be looking at her. I know that if I were to have a smaller figure of one that I would like, there would be no way in hell that I would wear any type of skirt. I won't wear any skirt...yuck
I wish that I didn't beat myself down so much. After looking at the mirror today, I almost smacked myself because of all the stuff that I was thinking but I just shook my head and tried to forget it.
That's always bugging the hell out of me and other things that I can't get out of my head. I can't talk to anyone about it. I want to...but I can't. Just a bunch of bull shit that needs to fuckin leave me alone.... okay, I'm done ranting.... I'm out....
