74498's blog: "o ' O .Rachelles Ramblings. O ' o"

If you have read my other blogs [bruises of many etc:] then you would know about my relationship with my mother [or lack there of] She's always dont things to tear me down and I have always forgiven her.. in june [haven't talked to her since]..I had my last straw..I am over being there to sacrafice my pain [caused by her]so that she can feel better about herself....or atleast thats what I keep telling myself. Yesterday was her birthday, and maybe some of you would just think "fuck her" ..but she is the one person in my life that I have let screw me over more then I can count and still have a peice of my heart left for her. As I was finishing up the last bit of christmas shopping I found myself looking at things that I would have gotten her for christmas and her birthday.. and it only made me think of the loss I felt. later yesterday I was listening to punch much and heard the Christina song "hurt" ..and being the emotional type person I am I let a few tears fall from my eyes because I thought to myself.. " if only she would feel that way and say those words to me" [if your some punk and think that was cheesy, get the fuck out of my blog] so last night I had a really bad migrane and went to bed early-ish.. had had a pretty mixed up dream/nightmare.. I won't get into detail about the other dreams [I usually have more then one] ..but the one dream I was screaming at her but crying at the same time about how she fucked me up and all I wanted was a normal relationship with her..how it hurts me to not talk to her about things and not say happy birthday or see her for christmas, but I knew that she'd never change and I just couldn't be apart of that anymore.. ..I woke up freaked out..and I've been numb all day sofar.. I'm debating on if I should send her an email for her birthday..of pictures of the kids.. I just don't want to let myself get back dragged into this shit again.. I love her to death but I just can't deal. -Me