Something to offend everyone
1. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pr*cks on the outside.
2. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity.
3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 kilos.
4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and b*tch.
6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
7. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
8. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
9. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
10. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
11. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
12. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
13. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
14. What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
15. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
16. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde because she's 18!!
17. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mum.
18. How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
19. How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
20. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
21. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
22. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo Machine.
23. Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.
24. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
25. What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is It In?"
26. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
27. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings most likely.
28. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania?
Everyone has the same DNA.
29. Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
30. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
31. What does it mean when the flag at a US Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
32. What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
33. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
35. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
36. What do you call a New Zealand farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A Pimp.
37. What's the difference between a Japanese zoo, and an Australian zoo?
A Japanese zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
