DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU ARE PUBLISHING A MOVIE AND THE TIME REMAINING JUMPS FROM 2 MINUTES TO 120 SECONDS? WHAT, ARE WE JUST ASSUMED TO BE MORONS? AND IF THE ESTIMATED TIME REMAINING WAS EVER RIGHT, IT WOULD BE A FIRST. THEN IT GETS STUCK AT 97%. IT JUST STAYS THERE. FINALLY IT COMPLETES, JUST BEFORE YOU WERE GONNA TAKE ON ONE OF YOUR SPELLS. YOUR BREATHING AND HEART RATE RETURN TO NORMAL.
MY PC WENT DOWN, AND I WAS WITHOUT IT ALL EVENING. WHAT WAS LIFE LIKE BEFORE THE INTERNET? CAN ANYONE REMEMBER. OR CELL PHONES. YOU KNOW A MOVIE IS OLDER WHEN THEY HAVE TO USE A PHONE BOOTH TO MAKE A CALL. I CAN THINK OF A COUPLE OLDER MOVIES, AND IT IS ALWAYS POURING RAIN AS THE HERO REACHES THE PUBLIC PHONE AND CAN’T FIND A QUARTER.
BUT I UNDRESS...DIGRESS. ANYWAY, THIS IS REALLY MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT COMEDY. YOU GUYS ARE LIKE, YOU MUST BE SHITTING ME UR SO FCKING GOOD. I BELIEVE THE TONE MEANT THAT MY FIRST TRY ISNT GOING WELL. MAYBE I SHOULD MOVE ON TO ASTRONAUT. I WOULD MAKE A GOOD PRESIDENT.
YOU SEE, I WOULD CHANGE DIPLOMACY. I WOULD SEND A VIDEO TO OTHER CONTRIES WITH CLIPS OF OUR ARSENAL, TECHNOLOGY, DEFENSES, AND AIR DOMINATION AND DEADLY ACCURATE WEAPONS. THEN I WOULD END THE VIDEO WITH THE ATOM BOMB FOOTAGE. ADD THE TEXT, THIS IS WHAT WE DID, WHEN WE GOT REAL PISSED OFF IN THE FORTIES. WELL OIL PRICES ARE PISSING US OFF. I WOULD LOWER PRICES NOW...PLEASE...AS A FAVOR, AND THAT WOULD BE GREAT. REMEMBER HOW THE VIDEO STARTED AS YOU RECONSIDER THE PRICE OF OIL AND HAVE A PLEASANT DAY.
IF THAT DIDNT DO IT
I WOULD SEND A SECOND VIDEO WITH ONE EXPLOSION AFTER ANOTHER. FOOTAGE OF OUR ENEMIES FROM ALL OUR WARS GETTING SHREDDED BY OUR TECHNOLOGY AND TACTICS.
WE WARE HOPING WE COULD STAY FRIENDS. BUT YOU SEE, YOU HAVE OIL AS A NATURAL RESOURCE AND WE ARE YOUR BIGGEST CONSUMER. WE CAN ALSO IMPOSE OURSELVES BY WIPING OUT YOUR POPULATION OR YOU CAN GIVE US CONTROL OF EVERYTHING TO DO WITH OIL. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ARE EXPENSIVE...WE WOULD RATHER IT NOT COME TO THAT–AND OF COURSE, NEITHER WOULD YOU. EXPECT OUR PRESENCE ON NEXT WEDNESDAY, SOMETIME EARLY. IF YOU’RE NICE, THEN WE WILL BE NICE, WE CAN ALL GET ALONG. IF YOU RESENT US SEIZING CONTROL OF YOUR COUNTRY’S BIGGEST NATURAL RESOURCE, IT WILL HURT, BUT IN TIME YOU WILL GET OVER IT.
IF THIS CALLS THE WORLD INTO A PANIC, I AM JUST GONNA BLOW SOME SHIT UP. I AM TALKING NUCS. I WILL TURN A FEW CITIES INTO PARKING LOTS.
I WOULD POST SIGNS SAYING “WE HAVE LOTS MORE, AND THIS WASN’T EVEN A CLASS 7 OR BIGGEST WE HAVE. USE YOU’RE WISDOM. PRAISE ALLAH, WE LIKE HIM TO, WE JUST LIKE GOD BETTER. DON’T MAKE US KEEP BLOWING UP YOUR SHIT.
ANY COUNTRY OBJECTS, WE REMIND THEM HOW MANY MISSLES WE HAVE POINTED AT THEM.
THEN, GAS CAN RETURN TO $1.23 GALLON, I’D BE A REAL FUKIN KEWL PRESIDENT.
IF THEY ASKED ME IF I EVER DID ANY ELICIT DRUGS, I WOULD SAY YEP, BT THAT WAS EARLY THIS MORNING.
AS PRESIDENT, I WOULD JUST KEEP BLOWING SHIT UP WITH WMD. UNTIL, EVERYONE GOT THE POINT. I WOULD LEVEL CITIES TO RUMBLE. NONE OF THIS SMALL ATTACK CRAP. I DEMONSTRATE WHO AROUND HERE IS THE ALPHA MALE, IF YOU FUCK WITH US, WE ARE GONNA BLOW SHIT UP-AND YOU DON’T WANT US TO GET STARTED BLOWING SHIT UP...BECAUSE IT ENTERTAINS OUR POPULATION, AND WE KINDA LIKE IT OURSELVES. NOT GIVING US EVEN A REMOTE REASON WE COULD RATIONALIZE BLOWING UP SOME OF YOUR SHIT, WOULD BE THE SMART THING TO DO. IF YOU GET TOO LOUD, WE WILL TAKE OUT ONE OF YOUR CITIES AS WELL. WE WILL BLOW THE SHIT OUT OF IT AND OTHERS IF WE ARE REAL PISSED. THEN DISABLE YOUR GOVERNMENT–WOULD YA LIKE THAT? YOU KNOW WE CAN, AND WE WILL! JUST DON’T SAY A WHOLE LOT ABOUT THIS ONE, YOU’LL BE HAPPIER WITH LOWER OIL COSTS. JUST NOT ABOUT RUNNING OUT EARLIER. BUT TRUST US...WE ALL NEED THE OIL, AND THEY GOT NO BUSINESS, JUST CAUSE IT HAPPENS TO BE UNDER THEIR BORDERS-NAH, IT’S NOW A WORLD RESOURCE. YEAH, THAT’S WHAT WE WILL SAY DURING OR HOSTILE TAKEOVER.
EVEN PRESIDENTS UNDRESS...DIGRESS
WHERE DOES THIS SHIT COME FROM? LIKE I THINK I COULD BE THE PRESIDENT...HAH! YOU WOULD WATCH SOMETHING NEW ABOUT ME AND MY BEHAVIOR NEARLY EVERY DAY ON THE NEWS. LIKE THEY HAVE TROUBLE WITH ME SLEEPING PAST NOON, OR HOW MUCH GOLF I AM PLAYING-THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND I AM GETTING BETTER.
I WOULD THINK IT WOULD MAKE YOUR DICK HARD, PROVIDED YOU COME WITH ONE TO VETO SOMETHING. JUST SAY NO. THEN STAMP VETO AND SIGN IT. YOU WOULD HAVE TO GET A KICK OUT OF THAT–I WISH I COULD SEE THEIR FACE WHEN THEY GET THIS PROPOSAL BACK, HA AH HMMM. NO MOTHER FUCKERS-I TOLD U IT WASNT A GOOD IDEA TO DISAGREE WITH MY POLICIES. I VETOED YOUR ASS.. YOU SHOULD HAVE REWORDED IT, PERHAPS IF YOU DO, SEND IT BACK, I WILL RECONSIDER AND VETO YOUR ASS AGAIN. HAAAAAA!
SIGNED
THE CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER, AND PRESIDENT OF THE US.
VETO ICAN
HA...PUSSIES
AS PRESIDENT, I WOULD BE REAL. OH, I WOULD DEFINITELY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY POSITION FOR PERSONAL GAIN. HELL YEAH, WE TALK ABOUT THAT FUNDING YOU WANT OVER GOLF, WITH THE RIGHT INCENTIVE, I’LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO ABOUT THAT FOR YOU.
AS PRESIDENT, I WOULD BE KNOWN FOR MY HONESTY, PARTICULARLY WHEN IT PERTAINS TO HOW DISHONEST AND CROOKED I AM–I’D SAY YEAH, SO, YOU PAY HALF AS MUCH FOR GAS CAUSE OF ME, WHAT’S YOUR POINT, AND YES I HAVE HAD A BLOW JOB IN THE OVAL OFFICE. THERE’S NOTHING LIKE GETTING YOUR DICK SUCKED UNDER THE DESK WHILE HOSTING A MEETING WITH FOREIGN NATIONALS. BUT WATCH NEGOTIATIONS, YOU MAY AGREE TO ANYTHING.
