You know what be awesome? To find out you have superpowers.
You know what would suck? To find out you have superpowers postmortem.
This is honestly a serious concern of mine. What if I’ve just never put enough effort into flying? All this time, I’ve been flying coach and I could have been whipping around the globe superman style. And what about reading minds? Maybe if I just gave up coffee and aspirin, I'd be able to figure out the ending to every single episode of "Law and Order"- "What? Steve's the killer? Jesus, he seemed like such a nice guy."
So far though the biggest problem has been testing my superpowers:
“Babe, what are you thinking about?”
“Ah nothing. Just trying to move the table with my eyeballs... What are you thinking about?”
Day One: Table refuses to budge.
Day Two: Unable to levitate garbage on out of apartment. Moving on to something smaller.
Day Three: Float you fucken cat. Float goddamn you. Pleaaase float. I'll give you $5.
Day Four: Levitation attempts unsuccessful. Moving on to flight.
In preparation for testing my ability to fly, I’ve already purchased 4 sq-miles of sumo mats and a life insurance policy w/ suicide coverage. I will say though that if I had my choice of super powers, I’d have to go with laser eyes:
This speaker is so boring
50 minutes for Chinese food! Are you mad???
God that family of four is so annoying
Laser eyes are definitely where it’s at- don't let Superman tell you otherwise.
