16. Show the reindeer who's boss by hosting an annual all-you-can-eat venison feast.
15. Install new candy cane pole for the Private Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies.
14. Stop payment on the check to Salvation Army that was meant to cover the cash I borrowed from the kettle this year.
13. Out Rudolph.
12. Reminder: Don't order the pork chops during brunch with Hanukkah Harry and Ramadan Raheed.
11. William Hung "Little Drummer Boy" ringtones for everyone!
10. Piss off the Elf Union by moving the headquarters to St. Kitts and the assembly center to Mumbai.
9. Put my yule log in Angelina Jolie's chimney. Heh heh.
8. Deliver lots of sneezing chickens to those needy Third World brats.
7. Another Christmas at Oprah's, another midnight delivery of Little Debbies and Ipecac.
6. Crank call the Easter Bunny and ask if he has a problem with shit sticking to his fur.
5. Feed the reindeer their Ex-Lax in preparation for the annual White House fly-over.
4. Keep down that infernal racket by taping over holes in packages containing puppies and kittens.
3. Wrap a present, do a shot.
2. Stay trim by eating the cookies and milk, then barfing all over the floor. Hey, it works for Courteney Cox!
and the Number 1 Thing on Bad Santa's To-Do List...
1. Find the bastard who wrote "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" and beat him with a shovel.
