The Beta-Male Manifesto
By Christopher Moore
From the first time we see the silver-back Elmo pounding his chest on Sesame Street, to the time that some silver-haired creep swipes our green Jell-O at the geriatric center luncheon, we are confronted with the commanding creature known in nature as the Alpha Male. And while we all accept that the limelight will always fall on the politicians, professional athletes, CEOs, and other Alpha males for whom leadership seems to come as naturally as handcuffs and perp walks, it is another breed of male, a lower-key, less-dominant variety, that actually directs human existence. The world may be lead by Alpha Males, but the machinery of the world turns on the bearings of the Beta Male
The Beta Male in the Natural World
A good example of the Alpha-Beta difference in the animal kingdom occurs among elephant seals. The elephant seal, a Toyota-sized species of pinneped, is so named for the male animal's prominent, trunk-like proboscis, which immediately brings to mind the Darwinian aphorism for male display, "The bigger the nose, the bigger the hose." During mating season, all of the elephant seal females beach themselves, and luxuriate in the sun, looking bored and making charming belching noises meant to attract males. (A similar mode of behavior can be observed among human females on the beaches of Cancun and Ft. Lauderdale during spring break.) Males confront each other at the shoreline, and through a series of battles with other males, that are more show than actual combat, a "beach master" is chosen – usually the largest and most fit of the competitors. This Alpha male will proceed to mate with all the females of the group, while the vanquished Beta males wait at the surf line for females returning from mating (often embarrassed because they are wearing the same outfits they had on when they left the water yesterday) and will try to mate with her on the rebound, sometimes bellowing as a way of disguising himself as an alpha male. In fact, Betas are so desperate to escape their Beta Male identity, that biologists have observed them gamboling in the surf in Groucho glasses dangling Porsche keys. Thus, the Beta-male gene will survive in the elephant seal population, proving that he who gets it most, is not always as successful as he who gets it last. Human Betas, who often stay virgins until well into their twenties, could be said to be using a similar strategy, although it probably has more to do with access to alcohol and general lowering of standards among human females as they get older.
While in many mammals, it is the bigger, stronger, more flamboyant Alpha male gene that determines the direction of the species, in human beings, unique in their development of language and culture, the Beta male is the reigning the king of beasts, so to speak.
(For the purpose of the article we'll ignore species like killer whales, elephants and lions, where the Alpha animal and leader of the group is female. The "big teeth" of the Alpha female is cooperation, which has the effect of making all male strategies seem silly. These examples just confuse the issue and cause undue uppityness among human females.)
Imagination: The Big Teeth of the Beta Male
While Alpha males are often gifted with superior physical attributes -- size, strength, speed, and good looks -- selected over the eons by the strongest surviving and, essentially, getting all the girls, the Beta Male gene has survived not by meeting and overcoming adversity, but by anticipating and avoiding it. That is, when the alpha males were out charging after mastodons, the beta males could imagine in advance that attacking what was essentially an angry, wooly bulldozer with a pointy stick, might be a losing proposition, so he hung back at camp to console the grieving widows whose Alpha-male mates had been stomped into mastodon moss. When alpha males set out to conquer neighboring tribes, to count coup and take heads, beta males could see in advance that in the event of a victory, the influx of female slaves was going to leave a surplus of mateless women cast out for younger trophy models, with nothing to do but salt down the heads and file the uncounted coups, and many would need find solace in the arms of any beta male smart enough to survive.
There's a good chance that in the caveman community, that the Beta Male never got the hot, smart, Darryl Hannah cave woman, but there's an even better chance that he got everyone else. The beta male is seldom the strongest or the fastest, but because he can anticipate danger, he far outnumbers his alpha male competitors. Rather than strength, size, or charisma, the Beta Male adapted to adversity by developing a massive imagination.
The problem for the Beta in modern society, is that his imagination has become superfluous – a vestigial encumbrance. Like the saber-toothed tiger's fangs, or the Alpha male's testosterone, there's just more beta male imagination than can be put to good use. Consequently, in the modern world, many beta males become hypochondriacs, neurotics, paranoids, or develop an addiction to, comic books, video games, or porn. For while the beta male imagination evolved to help him avoid danger, as a side effect it also allows him fantasy-only access to power, money, and leggy, model-type females who, in reality, wouldn't kick him in the kidneys to get a bug off their shoe. The rich fantasy life of the Beta male may often spill over into reality, manifesting in a near-genius levels of self-delusion. In fact, many Beta Males, contrary to any empirical evidence, actually believe that they are Alpha Males, and have been endowed by their creator with advanced stealth charisma, which, although awesome in concept, is totally undetectable by women who are not constructed from carbon fiber. Every time a super model divorces her rock star husband, the Beta Male secretly rejoices (or more accurately, feels great waves of unjustified hope,) and every time a beautiful movie star marries, the Beta Male experiences a sense of lost opportunity. The entire city of Las Vegas – plastic opulence, treasure for the taking, vulgar towers, and cocktail waitresses with improbable breasts—is built on the self-delusion of the Beta Male.
Spotting the Beta Male
There are no distinct physical features identifying the Beta Male -- they tend to come in all shapes and sizes, although usually smaller at birth than in adulthood.
There is, however, a dominant ear-hair gene associated with the Beta Male, that will out them. All human males will develop some ear hair in life -- with Beta Males it often appears in great tufts at puberty, and is believed to have evolved to help facilitate early comb-over strategies. Most Beta males will disguise this feature by shaving or depilatory until after they are married, and often a beta male who is passing can be spotted by small gobs of shaving cream in his aural openings.
In the gym you will usually find the Beta Male fussing with his Ipod headphones rather than actually doing any exercise, and offering a "spot" to Alpha Males on the bench press. The strategy here is two-fold. First, the Beta, who has often come "commando" to the gym, gets to stand astraddle the alpha, who, while pressing up the weight of a small bus, must stare up at the sweating scrotum of the Beta, who thus achieves a passive-aggressive dominance over the Alpha, if not inducing full-on nausea; and second, when the Beta encourages the Apha to do "just one more rep", to the point of exhaustion, he is assured that he, in no way, can actually lift the weight off off the Alpha at failure, thus causing death or injury to the dominant male. An accomplished Beta male can incapacitate two or three Alphas a day in this manner, and keep his heart-rate in the aerobic target area just from the shouting and running away.
Spotting the Beta in traffic is easy. He's the one in front of you, in your lane, going just enough over the speed limit to not allow you to righteously flip him off or call him an ass-bag, but not quite fast enough to actually get you where you're going on time. The Beta style of driving, or the RID method (Righteous Indignation Deprivation) is a major cause of road rage, freeway shootings, and alcohol consumption among other drivers. The good news is that when you finally snap and crash into a Beta's two-year old Camry, his records will be handy and his insurance will be current (the Beta's notorious fear of irony keeps him on top of his insurance premiums regardless of his financial state.)
Basically, Beta Males are everywhere. Although no one has actually done a survey, it's safe to say that nearly seven our of ten men (and two of out ten women), are beta Males. As stated above, most Betas are not even aware of their status, and certainly wouldn't admit it if they were. Here's a good rule of thumb, though, if you are male reading this article, and are not simultaneously getting laid, then there's a good chance that you fall in the Beta category. Other good indicators are that you carry your sex junk on the outside, or you have at one time or another, left the toilet seat up after doing your business. If you find yourself denying that you could be a Beta, well, denial is the butter on the Beta bread, so to speak. Although your reactions after denial will be shame, self-loathing, and a need to ask your wife or girlfriend to confirm your denial, it's best to resist giving into any of these urges. Better to sit back, proud but not smug, watch the action, and calmly wait for the world to turn your way – the Way of the Beta.
Side Bar
ARE YOU A BETA MALE? -- A QUIZ
Check any statement below that is true:
I:
q Wear my naughty-bits on the outside.
q Drive just a couple of miles per hour over the speed limit.
q Surreptitiously feel sad when a hot actress marries.
q Have initiated a cover-up?
q Find it hard to think in the presence of bosoms.
q Pay my insurance premiums on time, no matter what.
q Shave my ears regularly.
q Have left the toilet seat up?
q Have apologized after sex?
q Have apologized after sex with a partner?
q Own a Corvette, a Monster Truck, or a Penis Pump
q Think women should receive equal pay for equal work.
q Feel guilty about not working as hard as most women.
If you checked any two above, then congratulations – and for god's sake, hide this article before your wife or girlfriend sees it.
