The Big Mistake That Makes Men Withdraw
Current mood: exhausted
Category: Romance and Relationships
Dear Crystal,
Tons of women do this one thing.
And it must leave them feeling awful...
I wonder if you do it too?
I'm talking about women who hide their true
feelings from a man and fear sharing their desire
for a closer relationship and for love.
Ever felt this way?
It happens when you won't communicate directly
with a man about your feelings because you think
you'll "scare him away".
Unfortunately, you're right... it could scare
him away IF you don't know how to communicate with
a man in a way that gets him to listen to you and
not hear what his fears want him to hear.
The way you talk to a man about a relationship
turns out to be THE BIGGEST MISTAKE ANY WOMAN CAN
MAKE WITH A MAN.
I'll come back to this giant mistake in just a
quick second...
First, I'd like to talk about what I've seen in
the dating world as a guy and share a FASCINATING
story with you.
I've had women communicate their feelings with
me in all sorts of different ways from joy to
anger to frustration, and I know what each one
does to a man. (and in a larger context, what
communicating this way does to any person in
general - man or woman)
See, there's a common pattern most men and
women share when it comes to their dating
experiences.
Tell me if it sounds familiar to you.
THE STORY GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS...
(let's pretend I'm the man in this story and
you're the woman)
You and I meet. We both like each other. (lucky
me!)
Our feelings develop for each other on several
levels. (physically, emotionally, socially)
You try to be "patient" and not express too
many feelings and what you want to play it cool.
We have a great "connection" and have a great
time when we're together... but we never really
talk about what we want in our future around
dating, a relationship, or marriage.
Time goes by and things are great for us when
we're together.
But eventually, you begin to see that you're
not getting what you want from me in the
relationship once you start to see that things
aren't moving past this "casual" but fun
situation.
Which brings up a dilemma in your mind.
You want more, but you're scared of talking to
me about it because you don't know where I'm at.
You want us to get closer, but you don't want
to "rock the boat" and do something that will make
things worse, when all you want is for things to
be even more magical for us both together.
Plus, you're a little scared about how things
are going to go in the future because I've talked
to you about all the bad experiences I've had
with women in the past and part of you knows that
I might not be "open" or seem "ready" for the kind
of true love and a lasting relationship that we
could have.
And sometimes I even make negative remarks
about dating and relationships that make you think
that there's a part of me that doesn't "get" what
we have together or fully appreciate it the way
you do.
Of course, you don't want to ruin the good
things we have going, but in the back of your mind
you know that you want to talk about where things
are headed so you can have some certainty and not
feel like you're just waiting around for me to
"get with the program" and figure it out.
But the more you think about this, and us, the
more you start to feel fear and the negative
emotions that come into your mind.
You think to yourself,
"What if he's not that serious about me and I'm
totally in love with him?"
"What if this is all he wants, and I'm left
hanging after putting so much into this?"
"What if everything that I've been feeling and
starting to count on isn't real!?"
Your head is full of these thoughts... but you
still don't communicate with me about them.
Then, as I start to see us growing closer, a
few things start to happen for me at the same
time:
- I notice that you're acting different and seem
more emotional, more worried, and almost "needy"
when we're together
- I notice that we don't have as much fun anymore
and that things are starting to feel "heavy" and
like it's "work" when we're together
- You don't seem to be so "into me" anymore, and
you aren't just happy to see me and share your
love and affection when we first see each other
- I start to notice that you question me a lot
more, and react to little things that I do, no
matter how small or insignificant I think they are
And finally...
- I start to pull away as I feel these things and
don't know what they are (which only makes you
feel worse, worry more, reinforces the negative
distance we're both starting to feel between us)
But still, you're trying to play it cool and
let things work out without freaking out.
So you don't say anything to me directly to
communicate what's going on for you and your
feelings.
And of course, being a normal guy, I don't say
anything either. (Of course, I'm a man!)
But you become more and more frustrated and
confused that I'm not acting how I used to act.
Things begin to change with the way I treat
you.
I don't pay as much attention to you anymore.
I don't surprise you or bring you flowers
anymore.
I'm tired everyday after work and just want to
watch tv when I get home.
I call you less frequently.
I don't initiate sex as much anymore.
You even consider that I could be seeing
someone else because of how differently I'm acting
with you now.
And after a few months - I've become totally
distant from you.
So what happens next?
You decide you're not happy with where things
are and it's time to have a talk.
But you're SCARED of expressing your feelings
about what you want because it will scare me away,
so you let things build up inside you until you
begin to let your frustrations with me show.
And to wrap the story up...
You make THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE WITH
A MAN...
You start a conversation about the relationship
and then you "let me have it"! (you get upset and
lose your cool with me)
All your desires, fears, frustrations and
dreams that you've been holding inside away from
me all pour out in one big emotional explosion...
This "Big Mistake" can take the form of arguing
and yelling, but not exclusively.
Sometimes it's just extreme intensity,
perhaps tears.
It might include:
- Complaining about the current state of the
relationship
- Talking about the things he does wrong with you
- Showing your frustrations about what you feel is
missing
- Becoming upset that he doesn't feel how you'd
like him to feel
- Bringing up past issues, arguments or
disappointments
But it always creates a lot of emotional
tension and "drama". Especially in the guys mind.
This is THE LAST THING you want to do with a
man if you want to get some positive results and
move things FORWARD and become CLOSER in your
relationship.
That tension that's created stays with him, and
he NEVER forgets it.
In his mind, he now thinks of you as
"hysterical" and full of issues. His mind defines
you by what he saw in your behavior, and it scares
him.
And yes, I know it's not fair. But it's the
man's weird and twisted reality...
I've heard hundreds, maybe thousands, of men
talk about this exact perception of a woman and
how they fear being with a woman who they think
will make this giant mistake.
And yeah, I also know that this is an immature,
selfish and unfair way to see things... but it's
the reality of the situation that lots of women
end up being "that woman" to the man in their
lives.
So... the million dollar question is -
How do you avoid this situation?
And what do you do instead to communicate with
a man in a way that won't scare him off but bring
you closer and build a better foundation for
communication and your relationship.
If you want the quickest way to jump-start your
dating life or breathe new life into your
relationship with a man, then I suggest you go
download a copy of my eBook "Catch Him & Keep Him"
right now.
It's literally jam-packed with some of my very
best ideas for finding, creating, and growing the
amazing, passionate, lasting relationship you know
is possible with a man - but might not have been
able to experience yet.
Don't wait - get your copy now by going here:
http://www.CatchHimAndKeepHim.com/e/12833/eBook
Now, back to how to avoid this Big Mistake...
I'll tell you how in THREE EASY STEPS.
Step 1) You Need To Understand What's Going On
Inside The Mind Of Your Man...
Let me tell it to you straight, as a man...
Women secretly believe that their connection
with a man will "naturally" turn into something
deeper without any communication taking place.
It's as though the unspoken truth about what's
going on is that the man is of course falling for
the woman, and that he only has reasons to want to
COMMIT and stay.
All other options either don't make sense, or
are just impossible with the way you both feel
with each other.
Honestly... this isn't how it works with most
men in the real world.
If you're "assuming" you have a relationship,
and that he feels like you do, odds are that
you're wrong.
Men don't assume that a connection, being
together, spending quality time and all the rest
means they're in a committed relationship.
Some men do, but not most.
For a man to know he's in a committed
relationship, and understand the things YOU want
in that relationship, YOU have to communicate with
him in CLEAR AND DIRECT terms.
Yeah, that's right... You have to put yourself
out there and be vulnerable.
Scary, right?
And all the "common wisdom" tells you that
doing this is the surest way to scare a man off.
I hear lots of women who think that other women
who have great relationships just happened to have
found the right guy who was "ready", and that's
why they've been able to move into a deep, loving,
committed relationship with a man.
It's as though women who DON'T have these kinds
of relationship just believe that other women who
have them are just LUCKY to have found such a
great guy.
And while in some rare cases this is true...
it's generally NOT luck that women in great
relationships have that allows them to communicate
with a man in a way that brings them both closer
and deepens the connection and commitment.
It's that these women either naturally know how
to interact and communicate with men in
relationships in a way that WORKS...
OR they've taken the time to find and learn the
right information, and integrate a new, more
productive and positive way of communicating into
their thinking and behavior.
(Hint - most women aren't "naturals" at this,
just as most men aren't "naturals" at this with
women either)
Odds are, you don't "naturally" have this
talent to communicate with a man in a relationship
about the "tough" stuff and grow closer for it.
Doing this is not easy. In fact, it's a "skill"
most people have to learn to finally create and
grow and real, lasting, loving relationship.
But the good news is that there's a very easy
way to learn and get help.
Keep reading...
Step 2) You Need To Understand What Causes You To
Make "The Big Mistake"
EVERYONE wants to have THEIR needs met first.
It's basic human nature.
But being able to delay your gratification is
an AMAZING thing to develop in your life. (in
every part of your life, not just dating)
Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk,
talk about what THEY think and what THEY want.
The root of this problem basically boils down
to having your own needs that are unmet.
So making "The Big Mistake" is really all about
being driven by your unmet needs and desires and
solely focusing on what YOU want the relationship
to be... without honestly and critically
considering the man's perspective, his emotional
state, his commuication skills and where he's
coming from at the same time.
Here's the thing...
When you do this with a man, and don't consider
things from his perspective, in the same way you
want him to consider yours, you are subconsciously
telling him that you're more interested in your
feelings and what YOU want than you are in his
feelings and what he wants.
And men pick up on and "read" women who do
this.
Instantly.
I see a form of this "Big Mistake" all the time
in business by the way.
Some business professionals are the worst at
this self-absorbed "need" oriented communication.
Like when someone calls me who wants to get
something from me or sell me something and they're
not very experienced or polished at it.
The first thing I pick up on is their selfish
agenda... and it instantly puts me on the
defensive.
But if they've done their "homework" on me and
what I'm looking for, instead of coming from a
place of need about what THEY WANT from me... then
when they talk it changes the whole situation the
second they show me they've thought about what I
want.
It's very simple... but extremely powerful.
So let's take this concept directly back to
communicating with men.
It might sound cliche', but you've got to learn
to listen and understand where's he's at and
where's he's coming from.
This cliche' is a around for a reason.
It works.
Patience, empathy and understanding are the
first steps towards creating the relationship you
dream about with another person who has his own
dreams, desires, and frustrations.
Or course, you've also got to be careful to not
become the woman who gives a man EVERYTHING and
gets walked on either.
We'll get to how to make sure you are "heard"
and have your needs met in a minute...
Step 3) How To Avoid Making The Big Mistake
Let me give you a vital piece of information
when dealing with men...
Men are CLUELESS when it comes to identifying
the things that are "obvious" to women in dating
and relationships.
I would know. It's taken me ten years to begin
to understand these things for myself - and I
spend a LOT of time thinking about it.
Sorry though, I'm "spoken for"... (Oh Please,
get over yourself Christian!!)
Ok, enough self-indulgent humor, back to you.
So we know men are AWFUL at initiating and
participating in conversations about deep emotions
and relationships.
Sorry to break the bad news, but it's almost
always up to you to make this communication
happen.
Or at least to get it started and make it a
part of your ongoing relationship.
Luckily, if motivated, men can be great
learners who pick things up quickly and like to
succeed at new things.
So learn to take advantage of their strengths,
instead of condemning them for their weaknesses.
It's important to remember to approach the
entire conversation from the perspective of
talking about what you want AND what he wants.
If you can make a guy feel like you put his
feelings and needs a priority in this
conversation, and always consider what he wants, I
promise he will LOVE YOU for it!
And return the favor.
There's no rule that says you can't consider
another persons opinions and feelings first in
order to get what you want.
In fact, a key goal in negotiating is to let
the other person talk first.
When you get to listen first, you ALWAYS have
the advantage.
Why?
Because You know exactly what the other person
is thinking and wants... and knowledge is
influence and power.
I'm not saying you need to take on hard-core
negotiating tactics here with a man, but some of
the same rules and principles about people and
psychology apply.
When you talk to a man from a positive place of
listening first, he will be 10,000 times more
receptive to what you have to say and what you
want once you bring it up than if you approach him
from a place of feeling hurt, communicate need and
projecting fear and anxiety.
Try this instead...
Ask a positive question or give a positive
statement such as, "Honey, I was thinking today
that I was happy to be with you."
It might sound submissive, corny, or difficult
to say to someone you're having a tough time with,
but think about it...
If you're going through all the trouble to
worry so much about the future with this person,
this is already what you're thinking.
You might want to check out what could be the
world's best collection of ideas, strategies,
insights and research on the subject of how to
avoid the Big Mistakes, and other big mistakes in
my ebook, "Catch Him And Keep Him".
It's full off specific ways to communicate with
a man that will instantly amplify the attraction
he feels for you, and help move things forward in
no time flat.
I've spent the better part of the last year
making sure my ebook will give you REAL WORLD
ANSWERS and solutions to the things you're dealing
with when it comes to men.
Go check it out right now:
http://www.CatchHimAndKeepHim.com/e/12833/eBook
Oh, and one more thing...
If you've been in a relationship with a man and
you knew you were experiencing the kind of
connection and attraction that could lead to a
great and lasting relationship... but the man just
didn't seem able to COMMIT to making things work
with you over the long term, then there's help
there too...
The painful truth about men is that not every
guy knows how to commit to you on a physical and
emotional level.
And what can be even more painful to realize is
that not every woman knows how to create the kind
of situation that will lead a man to want to
commit and share the kind of real and lasting love
that is possible.
Did you know that there's a process to how a
man moves toward commitment with a woman?
And that if you don't know how to move through
this process with a man, and avoid the common
areas of WITHDRAWAL and RESISTANCE... that you're
likely to end up in a "dead-end" situation where a
man will never FEEL like committing... let alone
want to on his own.
And did you know that the woman who know how
this process works are able to create the kinds of
situations and experiences with the man in their
life to where HE is the one driving the
relationship forward and ASKING THEM to COMMIT?
If you don't know how the commitment process
works, and how it's different for a man than a
woman... then I'd suggest you Check out my CD/DVD
program "From Casual To Committed" immediately.
This program will show you exactly how to move
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Most women go their entire lives, and live out
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them both physically and emotionally.
Don't let your relationship stay UNCERTAIN and
UNCOMMITTED, when you could have the close
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how to create this unbreakable bond with a man.
It's time to move past the common types of
RESISTANCE men naturally put up when it comes to a
deep level of COMMITMENT with a woman.
And it's time to experience what it's like when
you remove that resistance and feel what it's like
to have a man who is moving forward on an
emotional level with you.
It is possible with a man. It's just that lots
of women never learn how to get to this place with
a man where a relationship is just EASY.
Go below to check out all the details on my
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watch some free sample videos.
I'm so confident that this program is going to
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I'll talk to you again soon and best of luck
in life and love!
Your Friend,
Christian Carter
P.S. If you'd like to send me a Success Story,
Question, or Comment, follow these guidelines:
1) Keep it short and to the point. One or two
paragraphs max.
2) Tell me what's working for you before you
ask your question. I appreciate all of the "Your
stuff is great" and "I learned a lot from your
emails", but the fact is that I DO need to hear
all of the specifics... because this helps other
women to see what's working in different situations.
3) If you have a Success Story after reading an
email or the ebook, write "Success Story"
in the subject line of the email. I read these first.
4) At the end of the email, give me your initials
and tell me where you're from.
5) Send it to me at:
christian@catchhimandkeephim.com
...and don't just hit "reply" to this email.
Thanks!