For some reason, I'm feeling perfectly weary, disgusted, and angry today. I suppose it has a great deal to do with the fact that I yearn to be with a certain someone and until such time as my family issues have been completely resolved, I cannot wrap myself in his wonderfully strong arms and press my back against his solid, warm chest. I can't soothe his brow when he is stressed. I can't gently ease the tension from his shoulders. There's so much I can't do at this time and it fills me with a sense of impotence. As silly as it may be, I miss thumb war! When next we war, I intend to win! Thumb war aside, I feel guilty for wanting to leave, as my family means a great deal to me. It's almost as if I'm wishing for my Nana's death by wishing for things to be resolved, though in truth, I am blessed to have my Nana and don't wish to relinquish her to the icy hand of death. It shames me that I want the freedom that will only be forthcoming after my Nana's life has been snuffed out. Then there's my nephew to consider. Michael Todd and Tammy are together again, but just as they airily breezed into his life for a few short days, they breezed right back out of it again, blithely unconcerned with the responsibility of raising their child. I love my nephew with every fiber of my being, but there are times when I want to shake Michael Todd and Tammy until they catch on that their stupidity, irresponsibility, selfishness, and ineptitude has, once again, added to my responsibility. There are times when I wish them both bodily harm, as they proudly proclaim that they've done such a great job raising their fine son. There are times my palm itches to connect with their flesh as they speak of the sacrifices they've made for their son. There are times I fear my eyeballs may roll continuously as they speak of all the many hours of sleep of which they've been deprived, due to their baby. Yesterday, Tammy had the temerity to tell me that there was no need for us to retain the ability to sign for medical releases and things of that nature, as she's here now. Mind you, she was in Texas at the time she stated this and Caden and I live in Florida. She and Michael Todd left Christmas day and they're supposed to return this Wednesday, but I doubt they'll make it, as they're already four days late. What's four days compared to fifteen months or so, right? I really shouldn't whine, I suppose, as I know that Michael Todd and Tammy will never get beyond Michael Todd and Tammy. Well, that's an absolute that I cannot state, as they may one day become mature adults and good parents, but their track record just isn't indicative of such a change. And if you really want to get right down to it, I'm angry with myself for allowing this to happen. I will say that I did try to let them keep him for two weeks, but that ended terribly. The doctors were so concerned with his health and whatnot that an investigation was launched and so I took him back. I tried again later on, refusing to keep him for one weekend, as I was trying to let them be a family. I figured if I didn't enable 'em, they'd grow into their own and do right by Caden. She ended up dumping the baby with some drug addict friend that "had" her back. It angers me that she and Michael Todd have played their game without having to face the music, so to speak. It angers me that the state of Florida hasn't done anything other than to give that girl chance after chance after chance, though she has repeatedly shown that she doesn't care enough to make the most of these chances. She squanders chances very much as if there's an infinite supply. It angers me that Michael Todd tried to use Caden as a weapon, just as she did. It angers me that Michael Todd and Tammy take credit for raising this baby. Suffice it to say that, for the most part, anything that pertains to the behavior of Michael Todd and Tammy angers me. There's this crushing sense of disappointment that has settled over my being. I am disappointed with the way things turned out, but even more so, I'm disappointed in myself for all the anger and the like I harbor. I think I need to exercise madly, take a steaming, scented bubble bath, light a candle or two, listen to some soothing music, and speak to my darling. The world will right itself again in seemingly no time at all, right? Quickly! Someone remind me that I am a victor rather than a victim!
