Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife!
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for
their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing
her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button.
Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance
that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip
shit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck
of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE
HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us
both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left
arm tucked
under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my
legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as
a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let
go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape...
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or
so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for
sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke
cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!
P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
with it!