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I have been damaged and broken. I have been ridiculed and laughed at. I have been kicked at my lowest, pushed down and used as a stepping stone for others around me. I have been given up on, I have been picked over.I have watched as my feelings for love be denied over and over, then watched helplessly as it was taken and given elsewhere. I have lost my faith, my sanctity, sanity and warmth...I have given in to my hardships, trials and tribulations as they are the only feelings I know to be true to me .I have been denied my right to have a normal and productive life, courtesy of my own mangled mental instability, and the fact that everyone around me doubts my requests, my suggestions, my pleas or cries although they are are silent in nature. I hate the fact that I can't convey all of this to anyone..I've always sucked at charades...I hate the fact that my inner being is always in fetal position, is neglected and has been abused and left un-nurtured and unwanted.
How do you find strength while weak within from begging and crawling?How do you salvage courage from someone thats always last in line, has been set on the back burner or has never made it into the "Picture"? ...and for fuck sakes can someone tell me when does love stop ravaging the life from the heart and soul leaving it absolutely and completely useless and dead to my core?
I have to say, there isn't one chance in heaven nor hell, will I give in to lifes BS again...That which hasn't killed me has given me more reason to kill me...
This isn't a plea for help, for attention or anything close to those 2 things. This is me saying to the world "FUCK YOU WORLD!" Because one thing that I do have and is in my control is where my life goes from here...thats it.
Theres no drug or therapist that can heal these open wounds..they just help you deal with it. Can you get your pills every month? DO you have insurance for the therapy visits? Do you have a job to pay for it all? Do you actually believe that I want to sit around in a support circle with people I don't know and spill my guts about the very things that are begging me to end everything? No dear I'm afraid not.
I am angry and enraged. I hate everything because it keeps my feelings in check. I destroy connections to my well being because those are the connections that make me vulnerable and weak.
Don't try to be the hero you feel I need and talk to me..your words will fall on deaf ears.Don't give me what you feel are/is your wisdom..your way to late in the game.Don't look for hugs and kisses when all I've recieved is ass and elbows.Don't ever think that I am ok..it's when I'm at my quietest and calmest that my rage devours me.
