Where do we go now
I'm standing here, wondering how, it wasn't supposed to happen like this, it wasn't supposed to happen at all. So here I stand, in the shower hands against the shower wall, water beating on my back, crying, screaming, just trying to figure out where I am, it's like I'm in a fog, I know exactly where I am, but I have no idea how I got here or whats going on around me. I'm sorry you all must be so confused by all this so OK let me rewind time and start from the beginning.
September 15, 2006 - Binghamton was getting slammed by one hell of a late season storm, it had knocked out power all over the city. So being the Delta's we are, we decided to call up the Alpha's (our brother frat) and have a black-out party. You would be amazed at how word can travel on campus even though there is hardly any power or phones. I think by 9pm we had something like 200 people there and by 11pm almost 400, good numbers for a Alpha, Delta party, considering there was no power. I mean we were seeing people that we had no clue who they were or if they even went to BU (and everyone at BU knows at least 1 delta or alpha, but there were some people we just didn't know). Anyways the party got started, Allan and his crew, being the engineering majors they are, had 3 back-up generators they brought over, 1 was hooked up to the stereo system (I don't care if it is a black-out you gotta have tunes), 1 to the fridge and coolers (what we have to keep the beer, alcohol and juice cold) and the third well that was our back-up for the other back-ups, LOL. Everything was kool, everyone was having a blast, and no one seemed to mind the fact there were no lights, I mean we had candles (and I do mean CANDELS prolly like 100-200 or so all over the house, outside everywhere, I mean common we're chicks and we love candles so of course the house is loaded with them), things were good, it was just like a normal Friday night, just minus the lights, but it was kool.
We were all dancing, chillin', there were people on the roof running funnels, people outside in the yard screaming, laughing, having a blast, shit there were even people out back in the pool playing chicken volleyball. If you ask me this was prolly one of the best joint parties we've ever had. There was no campus security, no Binghamton or Vestal PD shoved up our ass for being obnoxiously loud, 'cause they were off dealing with more important things, why bother with some loud ass college kids HEHEHEHE. I tell you what I had no complaints, that is until I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned around.
WOW... He looked just as good as he did 12 years earlier, tall, brown hair that he wears spiked just a lil in the front, blue eyes that I used to get lost in and evidentially still do, the smell of Polo Sport, not to strong but rather just enough that it lingers on my shirt after just one hug, his A PHI D tee that fits just right, I mean damn, those American Eagle jeans that show off that fine ass, and sandals AE as well, just some comfy gear but he still looks damn good. Mike, what can I say about him, well his parents house is right next door to daddy's, Mike was the son that daddy always wanted, they used to go fishing, hunting, all the guy things. Mike was always around and so was I, there's 2 years between us, I was 13 going on14 that summer and fall, and he was 15 turning 16. I was the first that he took for a drive when he got his permit, we drove to the state lands and he taught me how to shoot, he took me to Grande's for dinner and to the movies, we saw Romeo and Juliet (yes I know cliché I know). Mike was my first real crush, he was the one that could look at me and smile and I would just blush and giggle, he was the one that first showed me that guys do know how to treat their girls like gold. He spoiled me, took me shopping, to the movies, out to dinner, we even would just stay in order movies off pay-per-view and just chill. He and I kissed, held hands, made out, but we were young so nothing serious ever happened. That fall his dad got transferred to Philly and he had to move, I have never forgotten that day, I cried, even told daddy I was gonna run away to Philly so I could see him. Mike cried, said he didn't want to go, he asked daddy if he could live with him so he and I could stay together, but when your 16 you don't have that choice, so he promised to call and when he got his license he would drive up to see me, but as anyone who has ever had their first love move away you know those things almost never happen, and they didn't. I moved on got a new guy, and I heard from a friend of his that he got a new girl (this didn't surprise me he was hot). I saw him 'bout 6 years later in passing, we were both at the crossing's (a mall in PA) shopping for school, we were both with our current other, but for a minute we locked eyes and for that minute we were together, and then it was over, he went his way and I went mine. That day, that glance that pulled the 2 of us into that summer, gave me the what if feeling for a long time after we left the crossing's that day, I found myself wondering if he ever thought 'bout me, wondering what would have happened if he never moved away, just things like that.
So here I stand, looking into the most beautiful blue eyes that I never would have dreamed I would see again. You know the words that came out of my mouth seemed so lame, Hi (I mean this is my first crush, and I have had thoughts 'bout him for years, and now I'm face to face with him and all I can say is Hi, come on bitch get a grip). I wasn't the only one at a loss for words 'cause all he said was the same weak Hi, and then there was the kiss. There we stood on the stairs of the D phi E house, and I swear to you the world was spinning, it was something I have never felt, a kiss that words can not describe, because it was just that damn perfect. After we stopped kissing we just kinda sat down right there on the stairs, not even noticing the party and all the people around us. There we sat and we talked, talked 'bout how our parents were, what we had done thru school, who we dated (or in my case married) and who we were with now (yea that was a fun convo). Then came the killer question, "Mike what are you doing on this campus and what's more important why are you wearing my sorority's, brother fraternity's letters?" Well the answer came like this, he went to SUNY Brockport right after high school and while he was working towards his 3 bachelor's in various sciences and also in physics he pledged Alpha Phi Delta, when he graduated there last spring he transferred to BU, where he is now going for his Master's in Molecular Biology and his A phi D membership just transferred with him. Of course I then had to explain my affiliation with D phi E and also why I would ever have joined a sorority (evedently 'cause he knows just how well I don't get along with other females, LOL, I guess I'm a lil catty). You know after all was explained we just kinda sat there and laughed, it was just so strange that after 12 years we had found ourselves matriculating at the same school, and then on top of that in brother, sister Greek organizations. God, it was like we never got separated, even though we dated all those years ago, he was also my first male best friend, we did everything together. Now 12 years later things are very different, but yet they feel the same, we still talk like we used to, joke and we are so comfortable with each other. Well after what seemed like hours that we had been talking, he stood up and grabbed my hands and said "Kimy come dance with me, it's been years". I stood up and we walked into the common room where most of the "couples" were and just started dancing, after a couple songs he kissed my forehead and said "gimme a sec OK, just please don't leave" i said OK I'm gonna go talk to Stasha, and Drea' I'll be right here. I saw him walk over to where Matty (our DJ) was and say something and then point at me, but I really wasn't paying him much mind because I was fielding the questions of, who is he?, how do you know him?, where is he from?, is he single?, and do you know all I could do was laugh. Well 'bout that time he walked over and put his hands on my waist and pulled me back out to dance some more, while I'm hearing nothing but my girls giggling. I turned around to face him as the current song stopped and the next began to play. I must have had that deer in the head lights look to my face, "My Boo", I couldn't talk, I could hardly breathe, all I did was wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him while we rocked back and forth to that song, and I'll tell you it felt so natural but yet so strange all at once. When I used to hear that song play I would think of him, and now after 12 very long years here we are dancing to it.
After the song was over, I really can't tell you who initiated it, but all I know is we ended up in my room that I occupy from time to time at the house. Like I told you there was no power so there were already candles lit everywhere and yes that includes in my room. There we sat, on my bed in a room that held such a soft glow that it was just memorizing, Mike put his hand on my leg and said "I've had thoughts, dreams from time to time over the years of whether it would ever come to this moment between us", all I could do was look at him, I just couldn't talk, it was like every word had been erased from my vocabulary. He leaned over took my face in his hands and kissed me, it was so soft but yet so deep, it was one of those I can't let go of you this time, kinda kisses, his eyes were open and so were mine, and ask any of my girls I don't kiss like that I find it way to damn creepy, but for some unknown reason it just felt right. He had his lips everywhere while he undressed me, on my neck, my shoulders, down my arms, everywhere that the normal person would never consider sexual but it was, actually it was so much more than just sexual. The way he touched me was unbelievable. He kept saying how he had dreamed of this, how after we saw each other at the crossing's, nothing and no one ever seemed to be enough for him, how the drive home that day had been painful because his then chick was grilling him 'bout who I was and why it seemed like his attitude had changed after he saw me. I finally found my words and all I could say was to a degree it had been the same for me, only mine was much more complicated because I was married, but that I left a part of me in that mall, because I wanted so badly to be leaving with him, and it tore me up to the point I had to force myself to forget it, to forget him. Once those were out of my mouth it was over, he kissed me and then layed me down and said "Kimy you don't have to forget anymore and neither do I, because here we are, and this time no one can separate us".
It was almost surreal, it felt like for a lifetime I had been waiting for this, even though it wasn't anything spectacular but... Nah yes it was, it was simple but magical, it wass very just normal, I mean absolutly nothing kinky just beautiful love making (I'm sorry I just don't know how to explain it). It was him on top of me with his arms curled up under my shoulders, our faces so close it was almost like we were exchanging breathes, our eyes were focused on each other the entire time, and our lips damn it seemed like they never parted. The room had this gold tint to it, that made his face and body just glow (candles people I'm telling you candles), and he kept whispering are you OK, over and over again, he was so caring so tender, and when it was all over he just layed there didn't move just kept kissing me until we fell asleep.
The way I woke up damn near killed me, it was with one extremely loud clap of thunder and it shook the house, it was prolly somewhere 'round 5ish, and I opened my eyes and there he was sleeping. I felt like I could throw up, I shot out of bed and ran into the bathroom, I closed and locked the door and turned on the shower, I made the water as hot as I could and got in, there I stood hands against the shower wall, my skin feeling like it was on fire 'cause the water was so hot, I started to cry and then the sobs turned into screams. My legs gave out and I just sat down and curled into a ball on the floor of the shower, I could barely breathe I felt like my world was crashing down, how did this happen, it wasn't supposed to be this way, He was just always meant to be that "what if" factor, that dream man, it was never supposed to end like this. There is already someone who has swept me off my feet, and now I've gone and done this, how stupid am I. And now where does mine and Mike's friendship go, it's been 12 fucking years, we always were best friends now what. There were so many things that were said last night, and neither of us was drunk so it can't be blamed on that, I should have never left the party, I should have never gone upstairs. Here I am with something good almost within my reach and in a blink of an eye my past comes in and confuses everything. What do I do, what do I say to Mike, how do I explain this to my man, I mean what do I say to him, "baby I'm sorry, he was my first real relationship, and after 12 years we find we go to the same school and are in related Greeks, and Friday at the party we talked, danced and fucked but just for old times sake, promise", yea that will go over real well Kim.
I sat there in the shower until the water ran cold, then I collected myself and got out. I stood in front of the mirror, just looking at myself trying to see if I had changed in some way, but nope still me, the same old Kimy, just with one more added terrible mistake. So I grabbed a towel and wrapped up, I went to walk out the door, only as I'm standing there with my hand on the door knob I couldn't open it, I mean I could, it was just my hand would not turn the damn handel, why was I so terrified to see someone I was so comfortable with just a few house befor. Well I finally worked up enough courage to walk out of the bathroom and into my room where to my complete just duh I don't even know he wasn't there, huh where'd he go guys (HELL YEA GIT IT GIT IT!) I'm thinking as I'm standing there in a towel, damn bitch get some clothes on befor he comes back up. So I grab my AE jeans, put those on and then my D phi E tee and whe I pull it over my head and go to open my eyes... WHAT!?!?!?
Hi... (huh???) I'm standing here in the exact spot I was last night, face to face with Mike... Only ummm hello hadn't we already done this??? Didn't we already do the do??? " Kimy come dance with me, it's been years". (oh hell no, I'm not going there again.) and then almost by some miracle Tiya walks over, looks at Mike and says dude, chill I need my bitch for a minute. "Kim, whats wrong with you? you've been standing there with this look on your face for like the last 10 mins. where's your mind at" she said. All I could say was Tiya , baby I think I just had a vivid visual daydream of what will happen if I go and dance with that guy, and I'll tell you it was far from pleasant. "Who is he" she asked, thats Mike he was that one who got away, she spun around and just looked right at him, "damn girl he's hot" I was like no shit. Then as if it was meant to be Matty qued up 112's "let this go" I looked at Tiya and was like I got this, I walked over to Mike took his hand and said, this is what we dance to, and we did, and yes it was close, and sexual but it was that closure song,
and as we were dancing Drea' came over and whispered in my ear, your male persuasion is here, I saw him out the corner of my eye working the room, as the song Mike and I were dancing to came to an end. He came over to me and put his hand on the small of my back and kissed my cheek, he looked at Mike and said I'll be taking my girl now, as the next song began and we moved slowly over to the corner to dance.
He had made painfully clear just who I was to him, and that no one was taking me from him, but what he didn't know was that the very intense visual that I had, had, made me realize that some things are just better off being left to the imagination, and that the past is better left there, becuase you never know how good your present is and how great your future can be, if your doing nothing but living in the past.
