Why Men Sleep With Women Then Pull Away
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Romance and Relationships
Dear Friends,
This time I'm responding to an email I
got from a woman who recently bought my ebook.
I think you'll "feel her pain" and see
why I wanted to respond to her.
She's going through that dreaded situation
I've seen lots of women deal with where she was
dating a guy and became "physical" with him,
but then he quickly pulled away.
Want to know what's going on with a man in
this situation and what he's thinking?
And what to do about it?
Keep reading...
>>>> Question From A Reader
Hi Christian
I've just bought your book....I'm from
Thailand and I appreciated your book so much.
Unfortunately, I read the lesson about
Thinking in Time Frames where you taught how
to let a man wait for sex... but I've already
made that mistake and had sex with him. I want
a more serious relationship and I told him
afterwards, but as you told me he would, he
became impatient when we talked and it made
me so frustrated and upset.
Now he's acting distant. So, what should I
do to rewire our relationship and make him
see my worth?
I feel so disappointed about my actions.
Christian, please help me...
Best regards,
J from Thailand
>>>> My Response
I want to give you a big hug... and then
a good SLAP.
Ok, listen closely.
I'm about to share something with you that
I want you to NEVER, EVER forget.
It's the reality about how most men work
when dating.
Ready?
A man will NEVER see your "worth" just
because he's having sex with you.
It sucks, but that's the way men act
sometimes.
And guess what?
You're dating a man.
So let me be very clear here:
Just because a man has sex with a woman,
it doesn't mean that he's spent even a second
of his time deciding whether or not he wants
to be with her in the future.
Got it?
Ok, good.
Because even though you've already moved on
to how you're going to settle down together,
he hasn't even decided if he wants to try
anything "serious" out with you.
Sure, it would be great if a man let you know
this before he slept with you, but that's not
reality most of the time.
And I'm willing to bet you played a part in
this.
You're not entirely innocent.
Were you up-front and honest about what you
were looking for?
Or did your true feelings sneak up on you,
freak you out, and then freak him out too?
GIVING AWAY YOUR "SELF" TO A MAN
I've got an important question for you...
Who made this guy the final judge of your
"worth" as a woman?
The answer...
You did.
Cut it out.
And I'll bet I know WHY you did it.
I'm going to get a bit "deep" and
"spiritual" here with you, all in the name
of tough love.
You're seeking his APPROVAL in the worst
kind of way.
You're waiting and wanting HIM to show
YOU that you deserve the experience of open
and unrestrained love.
You're counting on him to be the strong
and masculine lover you've always wanted,
who will break through the barriers in both
of your hearts.
That way you can SURRENDER to the deep
kind of love that you truly desire from a man.
Unfortunately, that's not what's happening
or how he FEELS with you right now.
But deep down, you believe that if you
can come up with enough "proof" that he
should love and value you, and if you can
make things "perfect" between you two, then
he'll become the open and loving man you
imagine him to be.
It's time.
It's time for the little girl who's seeking
a man's approval in order to experience love
to grow up.
It's time for you to stop hoping that a
man will become the man you want him to be,
when he shows you that he doesn't even have
a clue about what love is or how to be with
a woman.
But you're so wrapped up in his perspective,
what he's doing, his feelings, his emotions and
his desires (or lack thereof) that you've all
but forgotten about something WAY MORE IMPORTANT.
What YOU really want.
I'll take a wild guess here and bet that
the kind of guy that you truly want isn't the
kind of guy who would act how this guy is acting.
As in, the kind of guy who would sleep with a
woman and then act distant and irritated with her
just because she wants to talk about how she's
feeling.
So, sorry for asking but...
What the h..ll are you doing!?
You're wasting your energy trying to get
the love and approval of someone who acts like
a person you don't even want to be with!?
Ok, now that we've verbally smacked you around
a little bit, we can move on from what NOT to do
to learning what to do.
LOVE, SEX AND THE MIND OF THE "MASCULINE MAN"
You need a lesson on who a man really is.
There are FASCINATING biological reasons
for why men act the way they do.
But the reasons that are the most important
for you to understand right now aren't the
"scientific" ones.
I'm going to get a tiny bit "out there" right
now, but stick with me...
There's a big difference between what I'll
call the "masculine" energy and the "feminine"
love or energy.
Pay careful attention here.
The feminine energy grows with fullness,
praise, connection and love, to allow a kind
of "surrender" in all kinds of joyful
experiences.
With sex, women surrender to the experience
with a man through love and connection, which
can make the man and woman as one.
But the masculine energy doesn't work this
way. At least not in the "darker" part of a man.
The masculine energy is VERY different.
The masculine energy seeks to break through
challenges all alone and arrive at its desire -
"emptiness" and "freedom".
Have you ever heard a man talk about how
he wanted his "freedom"... and you wondered
what the hell he was talking about?
And you could tell that he didn't even
really know what he meant by his "freedom".
This "freedom" or emptiness is actually the
masculine means of surrender and fulfillment.
Just as the feminine means is connection and
loving.
Ever noticed that lots of men fall right to
sleep or act like they're off somewhere else
after sex?
There are tons of pop-culture references to
men doing this in TV, movies, books, etc.
People know that men often behave this way.
It's "conventional wisdom".
But most people don't really know WHY men
act this way.
Here's my favorite way of explaining it...
Have you ever thought about why so many men
have a strong addiction to watching sports
events.
Well, each game is setup in a specific way
that draws a man's emotions into the
experience.
At the center of each game is a person or a
team that rises up to overcome.
It's a kind of trial where a man will break
through hardship, competition and challenge.
And when a team or player scores a goal or
a touchdown and celebrates, something
fascinating takes place.
The man "breaks through" the challenge into
"freedom" and the final emptiness of victory.
Then the men will celebrate as though their
greatest desires have been fulfilled and cry
out as they never have before.
Bizarre and fascinating...
Ok, back to Earth.
How does this relate to dating, sex and love?
With sex, a man doesn't "surrender" to
love and connection the way a woman does...
unless he learns to.
** And yes, a man can and should learn how
to surrender himself with his woman to love **
But instead, men often seek the physical
challenge of sex as a goal unto itself, where
they can break through to a temporary "freedom"
and emptiness.
Whoa... Heavy stuff.
Here's the point, in case you don't like
talking in myths and metaphors.
But first, don't go telling this story to
the man you're dating or with out of the blue.
He will think you're CRAZY - unless he's the
kind of guy that's already on a more spiritual
kind of "path".
This is for YOU to know and to work with.
So back to you....
Notice that in physical experiences with
women, or in life for that matter, most men
don't have the same strong drive to be deeply
and unwaveringly CONNECTED to the people
around them like most healthy women do.
Often times, they're driven by something
that has nothing to do with love, intimacy
and connection.
Yeah, I know. Men are CRAZY and messed up
and different.
But men don't have to be bizarre and
strange this way if they LEARN and become
AWARE.
Or...
If they have a woman who gets it, she can
lead and challenge him into finding freedom
through love and connected experience, not
through empty physical experience and isolation.
LET'S TIE IT ALL TOGETHER
Here's the thing...
A man will NEVER see you exactly the way
you want him to see you, or value you exactly
the way you know you should be valued, if...
you're doing things just to seek and win his
love and APPROVAL.
Yes, you might have "goofed" by being
physical with him too early.
But stop being so hard on yourself. It's
the past, and it's not the problem now.
The real problem now is something entirely
different.
Sleeping or being physical with a man is
NOT a bad thing.
Trust me. wink, wink.
But you've got to create the right feelings
within him before and during the experience of
being together for it to truly bring you closer
in love.
Sorry, but just being there isn't going to
do it and reach a man's heart.
Wow, I just realized... men are actually so
high-maintenance.
Anyways...
So you want to know how to "re-wire" things?
Here's what to do first:
Stop wanting the fact that you've had sex
to magically win him over into being an open
and loving partner like you are.
Then go back and read the section in my book
inside Chapter 8 called "Triggering A Deeper Level
Of Attraction In A Man".
What you need to know is there.
(and read, re-read and put it to use this time!)
But let's keep going and I'll touch on a few
of the same points that are in there.
Ever thought about what a man really wants
in a woman to date or fall in love with?
I'm talking about mature, healthy men here.
** They want someone that they WANT **
They want to WANT a woman, to worship her,
to please her, to ravish her, and to sweep her
off her feet with their physical and emotional
presence.
And for the woman to be utterly and completely
taken with them and what they do.
I'm sure you've seen or heard this kind of
male fairy tale before.
So why don't men just act this way with
women if this is what they want?
Ahhh... welcome to dating.
Because most women don't create the experience
that will make a man FEEL this way.
So here's a "center-piece" of the puzzle...
I call it the "Pursuit Gene".
There's a drive in men that makes them want
to be CHALLENGED... and to overcome that challenge.
I know it sounds cliché, but it's true.
Remember the "spiritual" story from earlier?
Men want to be challenged by the idea of
meeting, attracting, and pursuing a woman.
And then they want to win the woman over
and feel stronger as a man for having done it.
Men deal with this in one of two ways:
1. They find more "freedom" and emptiness by
physically being with a woman in the short term
2. They find connection and love by physically
AND emotionally being with the woman in a deeper
and "longer-term" way
Here's the AMAZING part...
A woman helps him choose which it will be
with her.
Interesting...
The point is, men LOVE the chase.
Some men might tell you that they don't.
They do.
Men love the chase and the challenge not in
their "logical" minds, but down where it counts.
They love it in their FEELINGS and EMOTIONS.
It's part of their genetic make-up.
But if a woman loses control emotionally,
seeks HIS APPROVAL or thinks she can trade sex
to receive love before a man's experiencing an
intense desire to WIN HER OVER and to be with her,
then something bad happens.
The man loses that feeling of excitement
and challenge with her.
He recognizes that the woman has already
given over physical and emotional CONTROL to
him.
Which destroys the strongest "lead-in" to
creating lasting love with a man.
It's just one simple word.
ATTRACTION.
Men want to feel ATTRACTION.
And I don't mean that they want to talk about
it or analyze it so that it makes "sense".
They don't want to listen to what a woman
tells them is going on and then come to accept
and understand how and why they should be in love.
No. That's not how men work.
Instead, they want to FEEL their desire for a
woman inside their whole body, emotionally driving
them, and for it to be undeniable and unrelenting.
Get where I'm going here?
If you don't make a man FEEL ATTRACTION for
you and trigger the emotional desire deep inside
him to win you over and be with you for the long
term, then there's no amount of talking, sharing,
or SEX that can change his mind.
In my ebook "Catch Him & Keep Him" I talk
about the VERY BEST ways to create great
experiences and situations with men.
Experiences and situations that will make a
man respond to a woman with INTENSE DESIRE and
ATTRACTION.
And not just in the "empty" physical sense,
but instead with more deeply connected feelings.
Chapter 9 of the book is titled "From Casual
To Committed - Communication Secrets with Men
& New Relationships"
In it are some of my very best ideas on how
to build the right "emotional environment" for a
man to feel addicted to the love, connection and
attraction you share.
He'll wonder why he didn't find you and figure
out how to be in love sooner.
Check out the details here:
http://www.CatchHimAndKeepHim.com/e/12833/eBook
Thanks and best of luck in life and love,
your friend
Crystal