WORD OF CAUTION!!!
Go to the bathroom before reading, THIS WILL CRACK YOU UP!!!!
STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this!)
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if
I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries. All the while
I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel & compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected & my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. Mybent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up
get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return.
Still in shock.