June 26, 2006 The True Me
Here we go again!!!!!!! I recently have had alot of things on my mind, WTF is new??? To be honest I have been on a personal search for what is supposed to be the real me. I have been told by some of the people that are closest to me that I need to get back to the true me so that way I stop getting hurt. I know before I was always this loud mouth who didn't take shit from anyone. I didn't care about anyone's feelings when something bothered me, I did just didn't show it to anyone. Well I did care about everything and everyone. I was the one that took care of everyone else. I was the one who took care of business when it needed to be taken care of. I seemed to be this hard ass bitch who could give a rats ass about anything. I then fell in love with a man for the first time. You know who you are and I'm sure you're gonna check this you always do. I, for the first time in my life there was someone who wanted to take care of me and protect me from all the people who were just using me and hurting me. I gave all control to him. I chose to do so of my own free will. I wanted someone to take care of me for once in my life. He did take care of me in every way there was. As time went by I think he got tired of me letting him take care of everything for me. I would ask if it was ok for me to do anything. I again did this of my own free will. I know in my heart he was trying to do a good thing for me but as time went by things went bad. I believe in my heart that if I hadn't given up all of myself to him we may have still been together today. I was no longer the strong woman he fell in love with. I know this is all speculation on my part atleast from his point of view. Now that I'm on my own I've had a very bad time at it because I had forgot how to be that hardass woman who took no shit. I do know this about me I am the true me but without the guard up. I gave that all up a long ago so now I have to rebuild it. I may never be able to do that completely. What scares me is that if I do build it again I may never allow anyone in again. I don't want to push everyone away for fear of getting hurt. I know all I have to do is pick up the phone and the rescue will be on the way but I really try not to do that. I try to deal with everything on my own. There are things that are causing my trouble and that is that I have a huge heart and I try to help everyone. My guard is not up so I get fucked basically. I have been letting that happen because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Well I was told to soul search for the truth. Well there it is, maybe I have been doing it all along but I wouldn't admit the truth. The truth is I am the real me without the guard. I am a very nice person with a heart of gold for everyone even those who try to screw me over. I will take a beating before I will hurt anyone else. I have to build my guard back up beause if I don't I will end up in the nut ward or worse. I almost signed myself in this past weekend cause I am at the point where all the pain I still feel is driving me crazier than before. I feel sometimes I have no place to hide but in truth I hide all the time within myself. I try to keep it all in and it eats at me. To those who have been there telling me to get my balls back. I'm trying not to be a hardass again. Thank God for my friends and My KIDS are the bomb they are so worried about me and trying to take car eof me now. I love and cherish them with all my heart
Hugs and Kisses to you all
Love Goes to those who know who I'm talking about
