now im really gonna spill my guts now cuz no one understands me of who i am why i act the way i do...
its gonna be hard but im gonna try to explain things out the best i can.
okay lets start back in grade school... you know that person you always made fun of ... had something to make fun of them about. yes i was the chubby girl. the other girls would laugh-point-and whisper means things about.
...... continues into high school -have only few friends that you really talk to anymore ... still made fun of .. and teased enough that you cry if u went to a dance... cuz no one thought u were good enough to dance with.
start hanging out with a different crowd... their alot of fun. they get to do things your not used to. Finally have someone u can have real fun with. But this is where all your teenage troubles start.
Looking back on all the drama and mean things the girls would say at school. He said/ She said... now everyone is mad at you. you didnt' do the right thing. you said this about so-so. they make you feel like your the dirt on the earth on which they walk upon.
Go thru soo many emotions with that... cuz your always trying to impress someone.
Comes to about 8th grade.... fighting and agruing with your mom more and more. you've got her temper and you finally got her attention. seems like the only time she listens to you is when yur screaming at the tops of your lungs.
that fight didn't end well..... i lost..... ended up with 7 stitches on my left middle finger. that scar will always remain there forever. got to look at it everyday.
9th grade comes.... things are going pretty good but self-esteem still low... Finally talk to the counselor about it. They find a physiologist and they figure u have depression. Put on Anti-depressants 150-mgs a day. Go and talk to a psychologist once a month ... gives u your drugs and your on your way ( and found out that these werent approved for ppl under the age of 18) me being 16 at the time.))
okay its the beginning of 10th grade still fighting with mom about friends and what you do. Finally choose that its enough go to the counselor and tell her u've had it and your sooo depressed you don't feel safe going home. (available guns in the house) ..... mom comes gets u ... Have to go to the PHYSCH ward .... Crying your eyes out as they pretty much hold u down and take your blood and temperature. Asking you all these crazy questions. your mind spinning... what the hell is going on? it was soo scarey. I'm never gonna forget that day. Spend about 2 or so hrs in the emergency waiting room... start going into shock and get soo cold waiting. finally they come and take u to a place where u can't leave when u choose. It's a lockdown facility. Felt like Prison. Spent 5 days in the hospital. Went thru therapy there. Only saw your family once a day for an hour and that was it.... only other out reach was the phone. After i got out of the hospital had to go thru months of therapy just talking and trying to get help with my depression. (O by the way Depression runs in my family). ...... try being out of school for 3 days well make it 4 ... and explaining to people that you brokedown.
OOO reason for that also ..... happened right before that.... got involved with a 24 year old man... i was 16... he had been in jail before .... for being with minors. I didn't care. he was cute.... he liked me. Let him use me. I feel sooooooo dirty till this day. and feel sooo stupid for letting him do that to me. (touch, kiss, sexual desires) ......
Still all of that haunts me... i've done other stupid choices that i regret. and i do know i can't go back and change any of it. I just never had someone there that would talk to me. Not Just talk to me...... talk with me. Be a true friend. Someone that said it'll be okay. I'm still going thru my depression. i just had to get off my medication becuz the doctor that was prescribing it to me moved away to another town and my family doctor didn't know anything about that kind of stuff...... so had to get off the drugs. Not sure if im better..... i think i am..... i still have my bad days or weeks.... but yeah.... its me... my life..... its what i've become...
