You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable or
get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than
to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I
got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think if it weren't for marriage, men would go through
life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love
and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him
to death!"
The Broken Mower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something
else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something
more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny
pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Moral to this story:
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other is the husband.
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto
the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband
gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the
sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus......so shut the hell up."