. . . you’ve ever heckled during a eulogy.
. . . your wife puts Bean-O on everything you eat.
. . . your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back.
. . . you taught your children how to play “Pull My Finger.”
. . . you own half a pickup truck.
. . . the church social committee is afraid to meet at your house.
. . . you own a trophy that includes the words “cow chip toss” on it.
. . . you’ve ever made love on a tire swing.
. . . the first question your mother asks upon checking into the motel is, “Where’s the nearest liquor store?”
. . . you show strangers your war wound.
. . . your mailing address includes the word “holler.”
. . . the Salvation Army comes to your house and takes the wrong furniture.
. . . there are antlers nailed to the outside of your house.
. . . you fill up the bathtub just to test out a fishing lure.
. . . your Thanksgiving centerpiece has ever been prepared by a taxidermist.
. . . you own every Box Car Willie album.
. . . you refer to your dog as your youngest.
. . . you select a date’s corsage to match her tattoo.
. . . you’re over 30 and still giving other people “wedgies.”
. . . you have three first names.
. . . turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
. . . you’ve ever water-skied in your underwear.
. . . you throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.
. . . your garbage man is confused about what stays and what goes.
. . . the hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
. . . you think a dashboard is the best place to keep your hats.
. . . for your first anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-mart snack bar.
. . . you’ve ever slow danced at a Waffle House.
. . . you videotape fishing shows.
. . . you’ve ever had sex while wearing work gloves.
. . . there is more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.
. . . your wedding toast was made with a quart of Old Milwaukee.
. . . you hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree.
. . . your chili’s secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.
. . . someone asks, “Where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer, “She’s at home with the kids.”
. . . your masseuse uses lard.
. . . your family’s #1 enemy is revenuers.
. . . your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.
. . . when describing your kids, you use the phrase “dumb as a brick.”
. . . your favorite cap says, “Babymaker.”
. . . you’ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
. . . you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
. . . you get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.
. . . you are allowed to bring your dog to work.
. . . chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.
. . . the flood history of your area can be seen on your living room walls.
. . . your wife has been involved in more than six barroom brawls in the last two weeks.
. . . your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.
. . . you fish coins out of public fountains.
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