Young Pioneer
A long time ago in a state far far away, I pissed off my Mom. The particulars are foggy, as I was five at the time, but I had done something that had earned the dreaded phrase that all kids fear.
WAIT TILL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME.
I wasn't sure what would happen, but I knew it wasn't good, so I did what all five year olds do when faced with impending torture, death, or worse. I was sent to the playground.
Now this particular playground had a very high fence and was in perfect sight of our living room. It also had one of those "child-proof" gates that no parent ever expects their child to ever figure out, even if it only involves lifting the hasp and pushing. It was the perfect Alcatraz for five year olds, and I was Houdini. I don't completely recall why I chose escape over the teeter totter, or how long it took me to figure out that tremendously effective latch, but as soon as my mother turned away from the window, I decided to hit the open road.
Now, where does a five year old fugitive go? Believe it or not, I had two ideas. They weren't great ideas, I was five, but they were the products of my tremendous brainpower none the less. I was either going to go to see the Statue of Liberty (we were in Kansas), or I was going to go see my grandparents who never ever got mad at me. Since we lived in the Midwest, it is probably a good thing that grandma made better cookies. So off I went into unknown territory in search of fame, fortune, and grandmother's cooking. As a young pioneer, and as a five year old on the lamb, I had to keep a low profile. I figured the construction site was as good a place as any to do this, besides I wondered how much dirt a bull dozer could scoop up, and if those big digger thingys ever fell through to China. So, I tromped across the construction site, and looked down a few holes. No one stopped me, and since I couldn't see any fish down there, I moved on.
From there, I saw the mall, the highway, and an interstate, that I knew went to my grandma's place. First came a four lane road near the crest of a hill, I couldn't see over the crest, but I figured I had looked both ways, so across I ran ran.. ran. Of course I fell down, but luckily no cars were speeding along Blvd that day.
I made it to the mall. There was this steak restaurant with a big cow there. It was pretty neat, but I was afraid that the big cow would get me, and it looked mad, so I ran across the parking hiding as I went.
I had just made it to the interstate and was trying to decide whether to go under the bridge (by the river with the big fish) or along the highway. Unfortunately, I never got to see if trolls really lived under bridges. My preschool teacher was getting her hair done that day and saw me through the window. I was just about to make my way across the highway at full five year old gallop , when she came out and snatched me up. Obviously she was concerned, so I tried my best to calm her down.
She led me down to the mall security office. This may have been the Midwest, but these guys had nothing over Andy Griffon. Barny Maybe but not Andy. Anyway, they gave me the third degree, and of course I told them nothing cuz they were strangers, and Mom had told me not to talk to strangers. My preschool teacher ratted me out, and they announced my father's name over the mall intercom. Now, my father had just stopped by this particular mall to do some shopping, so of course, upon hearing that I was in the hooscow, came and bailed me out. I've often wondered what was going through his mind when he heard that message. All I remember him saying after that was:
WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE YOUR MOTHER.
Its funny the things we remember. Anyway, I never ran away after that, but I did try and go to the cemetery to see if there were really dead people there. I was the one who was dead when Mom caught me trying to sneak out again.
