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Falling apart bit by bit

I watched it all fall apart. I made several mistakes, ones that I wish I could take back now ... but it is too late. I don't have a chance and I have lost it all. made one mistake and now I fall. Open wounds and a cracked heart. Everything's ending and there is nowhere to start. I gave it my everything and gave it my all, but in the end I pushed to hard and erected now is a wall. I stumble over everything of my past and my foes, why is it this way that the story must go? All I wanted in anything that has come to pass, was a chance for him to see me for me and see through me like stained glass. I just wanted a chance to make everything right, but to ruin everything purposelessly I guess was my subconscious plight. Why cant I take it all back and get one more try? It is times like this that makes me want to die. I messed up with all of them let my emotions take control, but it was the only way for me not to sink into my own soul. I couldn't let things build up and they only saw what remained, it was things that had to come out or risk me going insane. but it is these things that they dont understand and probably never could, it is things that they wont think about and probably should. I am my own person and what is happening to me has let me down, and on the inside is not the only place I can frown. I am sorry I have been depressed and take it out on you, The shock of reality has just hit ... so sad and true. I am sorry I could not be exactly what they need, in the end all I can be at best is me. Why cant you love me through my tears and pain, instead of putting me down for my feelings and doig so in vain. It would help so much for comfort and care, for you to act like I mean something and act like you care. Don't put me down because I cry, but instead rejoice because I am still alive. When all I have been through and all that I have seen, is tearing me apart and ripping me at the seams. It could be worse let me tell you this now, but this is the pain and the suffering I must endow. I am sorry you have to see it and I am sorry it makes your life sad, but think of how it is for me ... and how it makes me feel bad. I am sorry for everything that I have done and could not stop, I will try to be better this time and I will try to let things drop. All I ask is for another chance to make things right for all, because in the end I want to break down this brick wall. Please forgive me for the tears and things I had no way else to release, i will try my hardest to let my emotions cease. Because I dont want to be the reason life has become so hard for you, I want to help you in this life and help you get through. So please take this as my promise to try the best that I am able to, and this is my solemn vow to try and make things right by you. If it takes me locking up my emotions inside, and if it takes me holding everything to the point that I die ... Then I will do it for you, bring death to me. For I will do eveything I can do, and will be the best I can be.
Echo, your Sex IQ is 130! You scored higher than 97% of other people who have taken our test. As you were taking the test, we measured how your sexual knowledge stacks up in the 8 areas that contribute to your Sex IQ. You scored highest when it comes to knowing about sexual orientaion. But it might surprise you how you scored in the other areas that make you sexually smart. Your personalized Sex IQ Report includes answers to every question on the test, as well as answers to questions that were not included because they were simply too hard for most people. Are you up for the challenge? Echo, your Sex IQ is 130 As you were taking the test, we measured how your sexual knowledge stacks up in the 8 areas that contribute to your Sex IQ: fertility, gender and sexual orientation, female sexual anatomy, male sexual anatomy, sexually transmitted diseases, safer sex practices, sex techniques, and communication. You got 35 out of 45 questions correct. Your IQ score was generated by comparing that number to the average score of others who took the test. Wonder which questions you got wrong? Then read on to find out! Tickle's Sex IQ test measured your knowledge in 8 critical areas of Sex Intelligence: fertility, sexual orientation, female sexual anatomy, male sexual anatomy, sexually transmitted diseases, safer sex practices, sex techniques, and communication. Here's how you scored, and interesting information about each of those areas. You've scored 35 out of 45.
(I got this in a bulletin on Myspace from one of my fellow friends, and being from ohio ... I just had to read it. Wouldn't you know that systematically I knew everything that was coming and agreed with everything on this list. I feel shamed now and I am going to go in my beat up roommates pick up truck and meet my friend who drives a new mustang, to krogers(which is 15 minutes from a college) and stomp my feet in the snow filled potholed parkinglot of this winter, still winter ... wonderland. ~Oh the irony of it all!!!!!!!!!! :dies from fear and laughing so hard at herself and all of this: ~ I hope you guys enjoy this, leave lots of comments with opinions, this should be interesting!! ) You know you're from Ohio if ........... ♠ You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction. ♠ You live less than 20 miles from some college or university. ♠ You know what a "buckeye" really is, and have a recipe for candy ones, and usually look around when someone says that they have buckeyes. ♠ Michigan usually brings a scowl. ♠ You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths. ♠ You know how to correctly spell Cincinnati. ♠ "Vacation" means going to Florida, Hilton Head, or Florida. ♠ You measure distance in minutes. ♠ Your school classes were canceled because of cold. ♠ Your school classes were canceled because of heat. ♠ You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day, and maybe even use the "defrost" and "A/C" in the same day. ♠ You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?" ♠ You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. ♠ Drinking beer underage is a weekend ritual. ♠ You carry bungee cords in your car. ♠ You know what "pop" is. ♠ Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. ♠ The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports. ♠ You call it Krogers even though it is Kroger. ♠ Girls wear miniskirts with uggs in the winter and complain of it being too cold outside. ♠ You know someone that has a beat up pick-up truck. You also know someone that has a BMW. ♠ You can walk down a busy street yelling O-H knowing someone will hear you and yell back I-O
This article can be found at http://www.americandaily.com/article/12389. I just thought it was interesting among other things. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Home of the Brave? By John Steinsvold (03/14/06) Economists concede that economics is an inexact science. What does that mean? Perhaps it means their economic forecast is better than yours or mine. Recently, economic indicators have been rising and people have their fingers crossed. Economists have given us reason to hope that the job market will improve and that the stock market will continue on a steady climb. Yet, the newspapers continue to report more layoffs and more jobs going overseas. Meanwhile, our economy is getting more and more complex. We associate complexity with progress for some ungodly reason. The following problems, however, have become inherent in our economy. What does that mean? It means they will be around for a while: Needless poverty, unemployment, inflation, the threat of depression, taxes, crimes related to profit (sale of illicit drugs, stolen IDs, muggings, bribery, con artists, etc.), conflict of interest, endless red tape, a staggering national debt plus a widening budget deficit, 48 out of 50 states in debt, cities in debt, counties in debt, skyrocketing personal debts, 50% of Americans unhappy at their work, saving for retirement and our children's education, health being a matter of wealth, competing in the "rat race", the need for insurance, being a nation of litigation, being subject to the tremors on Wall Street, fear of downsizing and automation, fear of more Enrons, outsourcing, bankruptcies, crippling strikes, materialism, corruption, welfare, social security, sacrificing quality and safety in our products for the sake of profit, the social problem of the "haves" vs. the "havenots" and the inevitable family quarrels over money. Have we become gluttons for punishment? My college professor once said, "You can get used to hanging if you live long enough!" We Americans love our freedom; yet, we have allowed the use of money to completely dominate our way of life. Indeed, we are no longer a free people. We are 7.4 trillion dollars in debt. We live in fear of depression, inflation, inadequate medical coverage and losing our jobs. Our freedom is at stake if not our very survival. Yet, we put our collective heads in the sand. Yes, there is something we can do. We can look into ourselves for an answer. We may find that we have the strength to carry out our internal economic affairs without the need to use money. Yes, we will still need to use money when dealing with other countries. There is no question that a way of life without money will alleviate if not completely eliminate all of the previously mentioned problems. Yet, we scoff at the idea. We are totally convinced that money is a necessity. We cannot imagine life without money. Perhaps the time has come to think otherwise. It is completely obvious our present economy no longer satisfies our present day needs. As individuals, we will gain complete economic freedom. In return, a way of life without money demands only that we, as individuals, do the work we love to do. It is a win/win situation. Let us consider the following arguments: Can we learn to distribute our goods and services according to need (on an ongoing basis) rather than by the ability to pay? Why not? Poverty and materialism will be eliminated! Our sense of value will change. Wealth will no longer be a status symbol. A man will be judged by what he is; not by what he has. He will be judged by his achievements, leadership, ideas, artistic endeavours or athletic prowess; not by the size of his wallet. Yes, everything will be free according to need. All the necessities and common luxuries will be available on a help yourself basis at the local store. Surely, this country is capable of supplying the necessities and common luxuries for everyone in this country many times over. The more "expensive" items, such as housing, cars, boats, etc. would be provided for on a priority basis. For example, the homeless would provided housing ahead of those living in crowded quarters. How will this priority be established? Perhaps a local board elected by the people in the neighborhood such as a school board. Or perhaps the school boards could absorb this responsibility in addition to their present duties. Since cooperation will replace competition, can government, industry and the people learn to work together as a team to meet the economic needs of our nation as well as each individual? Again, why not? Yes, competition is great; but cooperation is even better. Cooperation avoids duplication of effort. Wouldn't it be more efficient to have everybody freely working together, sharing ideas, thoughts and technical knowledge? Patents and industrial secrets would be a thing of the past. Competition, however, will still be around. Individuals will still compete with their co-workers in ideas, achievements, leadership and getting promotions. For example, Ford, Chrysler & GM would work together to build automobiles that are truly safe and efficient and environmentally friendly. Perhaps, with everyone working together, we can invent a car engine that would eliminate the need to import oil from the Middle East. (Note: Ford, Chrysler & GM would gradually become one entity.) Unfortunately, what immediately jumps into the minds of most people is: "It simply won't work!" The idea of a way of life without money is then dismissed without further thought. After all, what motivation is there for people to work if there is no paycheck? How can we possibly satisfy the labor needs of our nation? The following reasons are offered why people would be completely happy working in a way of life without money: Today, only 50% of Americans enjoy their work. That will change. In a way of life without money, we will all be free to do the work we want to do or even love to do without any economic fear. We will be free to pursue our passion or as Joseph Campbell suggests we "follow our bliss". Cooperation will replace wasteful competition. We will all work together as a team. Work will become a way to help people, to meet people or to be part of something meaningful. It is a proven fact that people like to help one another. An esprit de corps will naturally build up and make work more enjoyable. Even the most menial task becomes easier when people work together. Yes, work will become more of a "togetherness" thing. The profit motive will no longer be a hindrance to efficiency. There will be no need to sacrifice quality and safety in our products for the sake of profit. We will, like in the olden days, take pride in our work. Yes, there is very likely to be a shortage of people volunteering to do the more menial tasks. One option is to offer "perks". A perk can be of various forms such as front row season tickets to the opera or to his or her favorite sports team. Can you imagine an NBA basketball game where the celebrities are sitting in the back rows while the dishwashers and janitors are at courtside? (My apologies to Spike Lee & Jack Nicholson!) Or the perk could be the latest model boat or sports car which would not be immediately available to the public. Another option is to draft everyone once in their lifetime, to do a half year or so stint at a menial task. Perhaps a humbling experience is in order for all of us. It might serve us well in the area of character building. Also, consider the fact that perhaps millions of people will be freed from jobs associated with the use of money. Millions more that are now unemployed or on welfare will also be available to help fill the labor needs of our country. Thus, we will have the work force necessary to do the work which is not economically feasible in our present economy such as cleaning our environment (land, sea & air), conservation, recycling, humanitarian work, research in medicine, education, science & space and now we can include national security. Perhaps the most difficult problem is in the administration of a way of life without money. Can we learn to determine our economic needs, allocate our resources from the federal on down to the neighborhood levels? Perhaps some sort of economic bodies must be created to coordinate, monitor and carryout our economic needs. These economic bodies would exist similar to our governments, one for the federal, one for each state and one for each local level. Yes, in order to administrate a way of life without money, economic bodies, boards or councils or whatever you wish to call them would be created to absorb economic responsibility from our various governments. They will interact and cooperate with one another to meet the economic needs of our country and of each individual. They will be empowered by Congress to tend to the economic needs of its constituents. Thus, a balance of power will be safely maintained. Our federal needs, which would be similar to the federal budget we have today, will be resolved by an economic body comprised of representatives of the various branches of government, our industrial & labor resources, research (in medicine, education, science & space), our environment, conservation, importing & exporting, and now, national security and whatever facet of our way of life should be represented. This economic body will arrange for the labor and material resources necessary to meet the economic needs of our nation. Similarly, the same will occur at the state and local levels. The economic body at the local levels will be responsible for providing services to the people in the neighborhood. If the labor needs cannot be met with volunteer workers, "perks" must be offered. Also, the economic body at the local levels will be responsible for keeping the stores stocked with food, clothing and the common luxuries which will be available free. Thus, the economic needs of the nation right on down to the neighborhood levels would be determined and satisfied by these economic bodies. How much economic responsibility will these new bodies absorb from our federal, state and local governments? How much will be shared? Can a balance of power be maintained? At any rate, our federal, state and local governments will be relieved of considerable amount of economic responsibility. Thus, our various governments will be free to catch up on all the other domestic and foreign issues that face us. Yes, we will still import and export goods with foreign countries as our needs dictate; but what money will be used in place of the almighty dollar? Would the dollar have any value if everything is free in the USA? Would that be a problem? We would, however, still be able to use the currency of the country we are doing business with. For example, if we export goods to Germany, we would accept marks or euros in payment. The euros would then be deposited in our national treasury for future use. The money could then be used to import goods or perhaps send Americans overseas on vacation. Yes, a way of life without money could be compared to the kibbutz which now exist in Israel. Can you picture the USA as one big kibbutz? However, ownership of property will remain the same as it is today. Our government will remain the same. Our free enterprise system will remain in place as it is today. There will be no need for money or any substitute for money since everything will be free. The advantages of a way of life without money stagger the imagination; but they are real and cannot be disputed. Perhaps it is time for us to grab the brass ring. The Human Race has improved everything except the Human Race. – Adlai Stevenson Editors Note: Repost of an earlier submission
No one knows but me. No one knows the pain, the hurt, the humility. The memories that swirl around in my head. The images that float through my every vein whilst I lay in my bed. The suffering that has come to pass. And the images I get when I hear shattering glass. The time that it takes for me to trust. And how I dream of the day they lay me to the flowers and recite the phrase "ashes to ashes, dust to dust". No one knows how hard I try to make everyone else happy and not worry about me. And how much of a good person I am, that I want them to see. How I swallow my pride and live by each day. And how much people love me, I want to hear them say. The sound of shattering glass echoing through every vein, the memories that embrace me. The sound of shattering glass, the past still looking the same, and the memories that you will never see.
My first blog entry and something that I have been meaning to do, just have not had the chance to do as of yet. I will admit though, this site is almost too addicting. With the days blending together like the paint on a wet painting strapped to the hood of a speeding mustang, I can no longer keep track of the hours, or even the days themselves anymore. My mind is hazed by the ever constant fear of failure. And it feels like everyone has turned their back upon me when I ... know I would never do that to someone. What happened to being able to trust your friends, love them for their good points and help them through their bad, and overly being there (no matter what) for those whom you are the closest? I have done nothing wrong in my mind. And my body is suffering through this physical, emotional, and mental pain and it seems that no one even cares to ask why. They say I am too emotional. They say that I am always depressed. They think that I am a whiner, a crier, and always complain. But, I look at it from this aspect. You are not in my body ... you are not in my mind, you are not me ... and everyone handles things differently. At least I let my emotion out and don't let it build, just sometimes I cannot control when it comes out. This pain though ... it scares me. I know something is seriously wrong with my body. There is just something not normal about what I am experiencing and I have that natural feeling and knowing that something is horribly wrong. But, I don't want to take care of the pain. I am too afraid too. Feel that getting my life together ... getting a job, money, and pleasing those around me is much more important than the crucial agony that is doubling me over every time i want to move. I feel that there are three people in my life that have given too much as it already. Taking me under their supportive wings and giving me everything I need just because I am too much of a loser to successfully gain this shit on my own. I now owe them the world and everything is going to be put aside until I can show them that I am capable of doing things on my own. Paying them back what I feel I owe them. Putting off my torture, my pain, and my tears until I know that they are happy with me. I want to please everyone. I hate walking through this life feeling like I am not loved. I say ' I love you ' and it is often responded to by something other than the three words back. Well excuse me for me wanting you to know that I love you for who you are and all of what you have done for me and you don't have the heart or the nerve to end this constant inquisition of whether I am loved by ANYONE in return. It is so fucking EMO it is pathetic. What is wrong with wanting to be loved? To be showed at least some type of compassion. Perhaps I have not earned it because of the fact that I am a loser and unable to accomplish these things. Perhaps that is why. Or maybe it is because I am too emotional because I feel like everyone has turned away from me. And I am not talking about one particular person here. I am talking about (sadly) quite a few. Jointly they are the ones that I would give my fucking life for. I would never lie to, and all that I do, I do to see those gorgeous smiles from. So, why the need for questioning? Gah, I am rambling. I am in pain. And I don't know how much more of this I can take. I just want someone ... anyone to hold me like I often see everyone else getting for things less serious than what I am going through. I need that little push or boost to show me that in the end what I am doing (giving up my needs to further the happiness of others) is worthwhile. Gah, I need to stop. I will write later ... perhaps when I am not in a mood that will render me capable of writing things that are more than likely going to be misconstrued because they are not automatically understood exactly the way I am seeing them or even writing about them. I don't want any more drama. I just want those three to know that I do love them, and that I am trying, and that I will come last. No matter what. And that, my friends ... is TRUE compassion. EchoEngel
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