My first blog entry and something that I have been meaning to do, just have not had the chance to do as of yet. I will admit though, this site is almost too addicting.
With the days blending together like the paint on a wet painting strapped to the hood of a speeding mustang, I can no longer keep track of the hours, or even the days themselves anymore. My mind is hazed by the ever constant fear of failure. And it feels like everyone has turned their back upon me when I ... know I would never do that to someone.
What happened to being able to trust your friends, love them for their good points and help them through their bad, and overly being there (no matter what) for those whom you are the closest? I have done nothing wrong in my mind. And my body is suffering through this physical, emotional, and mental pain and it seems that no one even cares to ask why.
They say I am too emotional. They say that I am always depressed. They think that I am a whiner, a crier, and always complain. But, I look at it from this aspect. You are not in my body ... you are not in my mind, you are not me ... and everyone handles things differently. At least I let my emotion out and don't let it build, just sometimes I cannot control when it comes out.
This pain though ... it scares me. I know something is seriously wrong with my body. There is just something not normal about what I am experiencing and I have that natural feeling and knowing that something is horribly wrong. But, I don't want to take care of the pain. I am too afraid too. Feel that getting my life together ... getting a job, money, and pleasing those around me is much more important than the crucial agony that is doubling me over every time i want to move.
I feel that there are three people in my life that have given too much as it already. Taking me under their supportive wings and giving me everything I need just because I am too much of a loser to successfully gain this shit on my own. I now owe them the world and everything is going to be put aside until I can show them that I am capable of doing things on my own. Paying them back what I feel I owe them. Putting off my torture, my pain, and my tears until I know that they are happy with me.
I want to please everyone.
I hate walking through this life feeling like I am not loved. I say ' I love you ' and it is often responded to by something other than the three words back. Well excuse me for me wanting you to know that I love you for who you are and all of what you have done for me and you don't have the heart or the nerve to end this constant inquisition of whether I am loved by ANYONE in return.
It is so fucking EMO it is pathetic. What is wrong with wanting to be loved? To be showed at least some type of compassion. Perhaps I have not earned it because of the fact that I am a loser and unable to accomplish these things. Perhaps that is why. Or maybe it is because I am too emotional because I feel like everyone has turned away from me.
And I am not talking about one particular person here. I am talking about (sadly) quite a few. Jointly they are the ones that I would give my fucking life for. I would never lie to, and all that I do, I do to see those gorgeous smiles from. So, why the need for questioning?
Gah, I am rambling. I am in pain. And I don't know how much more of this I can take. I just want someone ... anyone to hold me like I often see everyone else getting for things less serious than what I am going through. I need that little push or boost to show me that in the end what I am doing (giving up my needs to further the happiness of others) is worthwhile.
Gah, I need to stop.
I will write later ... perhaps when I am not in a mood that will render me capable of writing things that are more than likely going to be misconstrued because they are not automatically understood exactly the way I am seeing them or even writing about them. I don't want any more drama. I just want those three to know that I do love them, and that I am trying, and that I will come last. No matter what. And that, my friends ... is TRUE compassion.
EchoEngel
