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A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.
While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.
The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."
Come get addicted: http://fubar.com/lounge/105263
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. "Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"
Little Johnny takes the bus to school as usual, but has to pee after his second class.
He walks in to the boy's room when a deep voice says, "hey, come over here."
He walks over to the urinal from where he thinks he heard it, and again he hears the voice, "hey, use me."
Little Johnny bursts out laughing because he realizes the urinal is talking to him. He proceeds to take a piss in that urinal, to which it replies, "mmm, thanks kid."
The voice sounds as if someone was actually there drinking it, so finding this funny, Johnny returns every day to this urinal.
After referencing it in class one day, his friends look at him as if he's insane, saying not to know what he's talking about.
"Yeah, it even knows my name now," Johnny explains.
That night, he goes to his parents who also look at him like he's crazy when he tells them, but also concerned.
They muster a laugh though and his mom gives him a bottle filled with a clear liquid. "Here," she says, handing him the bottle, "give this water to the urinal, it's probably dehydrated with all that salty piss. Just make sure only the urinal gets it."
So the next day, Johnny says to the urinal, "here, have some water," and pours it down.
The urinal starts choking and says "WHAT THE FUCK JOHNNY," and seems to go unconscious with a load thud.
When Johnny's parents talk him the next morning, he tells them that the water knocked the urinal out.
Scared out of her mind, the mom says, "Johnny, that was poison I gave you!!! . . . You're an hour late to school already, why?"
Johnny, still surprised about the whole urinal thing, tells her, "For some reason the bus driver didn't pick anyone up today."
Come get addicted: http://fubar.com/lounge/105263
A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!" The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Washington to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars!"
The owner says. "$10 But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying asshole. He's never been out of the fuckin' garden!"
Come get addicted....Sex Addiction Fubar Lounge fubar.com/lounge/105263 I'll be DJing from 11A-2P CST. Come hang out with me...got some new tunes, jokes, comedy songs and bits and more.
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library...
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?
The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I'M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
10A-2P CST/ 11A-3P EST I'm inviting you to come hang out with me for more rude and crude jokes, one liners, comedy bits and the best fist pumping dance and rock music you normally won't hear in any other lounge on Planet Fubar. I'm DJ Corruptor and it's the Insane Asylum Of Hysteria Morning Gig fubar.com/lounge/105263 Come feed your addiction and meet my kinky friends.
A company had a position open that required a great deal of sensitivity dealing with people. They devised a strategy to weed out inappropriate candidates during the interview. They had a person working for the company who was born without ears, so they had him perform the interviews.
The first interviewee fails immediately when he walks in and says, "Dude, what happened to your ears?"
The second never made mention of the interviewer's lack of ears, but was very obviously looking at where his ears should have been.
The third walked in, sat calmly, and never seemed to notice the interviewer's lack of ears. At the end of the interview even the interviewer was impressed because he had never spoken to anyone for that length of time with some kind of reaction. The interviewer was so curious he couldn't resist asking, "So, did you notice anything strange or different about me?"
"Like what?"
"Anything, anything at all."
After making an obvious show of carefully looking the interviewer over, the interviewee says, "The only thing I can think of is that you wear contacts."
"Hey, that's right, I do wear contacts! How'd you know?"
"Well you can't wear glasses; you don't have any fucking ears."
10A-2P CST/ 11A-3P EST I'm inviting you to come hang out with me for more rude and crude jokes, one liners, comedy bits and the best fist pumping dance and rock music you normally won't hear in any other lounge on Planet Fubar. I'm DJ Corruptor and it's the Insane Asylum Of Hysteria Morning Gig fubar.com/lounge/105263 Come feed your addiction and meet my kinky friends.
A lady sneezes on a plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper.”
10A-2P CST/ 11A-3P EST I'm inviting you to come hang out with me for more rude and crude jokes, one liners, comedy bits and the best fist pumping dance and rock music you normally won't hear in any other lounge on Planet Fubar. I'm DJ Corruptor and it's the Insane Asylum Of Hysteria Morning Gig fubar.com/lounge/105263 Come feed your addiction and meet my kinky friends.
