More controversy with pageant queens. Miss Nevada has been stripped of her crown for illicit pictures of her found on the Internet. People were afraid this could hurt the state’s image. That’s the last thing Nevada needs – an image problem. Partying, drugs, naked pictures with Miss America and Miss Nevada. I can’t wait to see what Miss Universe does!
Every year the last two weeks before Christmas I see these commercials on TV for The Clapper. Does anyone know anyone who has this thing? Has anyone ever used a Clapper? They’ve been selling this thing for like 100 years now.
Did you hear about this Long Island man who hired someone to kill his wife before Christmas so he could enjoy the holidays? And his wife is standing by him. She doesn’t believe he could have did it. So now Hillary is only the second most naïve woman in New York.
Monica Lewinsky has graduated from the London School of Economics. That must have been one lucky class president. Now that she has her degree she is out looking for a desk job.
Scientists say that robots will be doing many of the jobs we do in the future. Especially is they are illegal robots from Mexico.
Google is now offering maps of the moon for Internet users. Let me tell you, if you are so lost you need a map of the moon you had better just stop and pull over and ask for help
New Yorkers are now living longer than ever. The average New Yorker lives to be 78 years-old. Right now a New Yorker born in 2006 will live long enough to see us get out of Iraq.
Are you following this feud between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump? Rosie always has something up here nose. I just don’t know who to root for in this, I’m staying in the middle. One on hand you can cheer for the macho loud mouth with funny hair – or cheer for the macho loud mouth with funny hair. Donald Trump was angry though. He was so upset today his hair stood up and he was able to use it as a comb-over. Rosie is ready to fight though. Today she was practicing hitting a side of beef.
We have a new Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates. He flew to Iraq to have a first hand look at the situation. When he got there his first words were "Uh oh.”
Pope Benedict is urging Catholics to remember the true meaning of Christmas and not get caught up in materialism. He said this while sitting on his jewel encrusted throne.
President Bush hosted his annual Kwanzaa party today. He said that it was important to remember the reason for Kwanzaa and that is a guy name Kwan came and died for our sins.
According to a new study, ladies and gentlemen, you can improve your memory by watching less TV, doing crossword puzzles, eating more fish....fuck, I can’t remember all that.
Oh, this Mel Gibson – I’m telling you, I wouldn’t give this guy’s troubles to a monkey on a rock. There’s a 29-year-old woman in Australia that claims to be his daughter, claiming to be his love child daughter. And guess who Mel is blaming it on?
A beautiful day in New York City – so sunny and mild, Olive Garden customers were actually walking to the emergency room. You folks been following the trouble at the Olive Garden? Do you like eating at the Olive Garden? Did you know that Taco Bell is Spanish for Olive Garden? They’ve had a lot of trouble, and – but it’s okay, you just have to know what to order on the menu, like trying the clams Mylanta. That’s a problem, don’t go anywhere near that. I was in there a couple of days ago and I said to the waiter, I said, ‘What is the catch of the day?’ and he said, ‘Hepatitis.’ The most popular table at the Olive Garden is the one next to the restroom.
Three Mexicans here illegally were arrested in Maine yesterday. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed Mexicans in Maine.
Big announcement from Senator Hillary Clinton. She now says that she wouldn’t have voted to authorize president bush’s attack on Iraq if she knew what she knows now. Big deal. She wouldn’t have married bill Clinton if she knew what she knows now.
The president of Iran an embarrassing setback after voters in Iran elected members of the opposing party in local elections ... Apparently he and president bush have more in common then they realize.
President Bush said this week that Mary Cheney, the vice president’s lesbian daughter that is pregnant, will make a fine mom and a darn good dad too.
There is now a new law outlawing melting down pennies and nickels for profit. Based on current metal prices, both pennies and nickels are worth more melted down. Leave it to the government to figure out a way to lose money while making money. They are making money and their still losing money doing it.
I read this in the wall street journal today: The new trend in Christmas cards this year are "DVD cards” – instead of a letter about your family and what you did this year, you put your yearly memories on a DVD which I really enjoy getting ... you know why? They make great coasters.
Every year since I was a kid I hear people say that Christmas has become too commercialized. You ever hear people say that? Do you think atheist ever complain that Christmas hasn’t become commercialized enough? Do you think they complain that people are too caught up in the true meaning of Christmas? I think you have to be in a certain state of mind for it to be funny. You know the Yule log they show on TV every year. You know, the log in the fireplace burning. Now one of the cable networks is now showing the Yule log in HDTV. This way you can see with absolute clarity that you have no life.
As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, "time” magazine has named "everyone” their person of the year. They said everyone in the world is person of the year. And yet, al gore still came in second. How does that work? They made everyone person of the year, for transforming the information age by using the internet. Remember when you had to be an influential person, someone who changed the world to be "time’s person of the year”? Now all you have to do is download porn. You’re person of the year.
Today in Maine police arrested three illegal Mexican immigrants. How lost were these guys? "San Diego? San Diego?”
This weekend NBC is airing the movie "The Year Without Santa Claus.” It’s about Santa not wanting to do Christmas one year and he tries to get away from everyone. What better place for Santa to hide than NBC primetime! No chance of anyone seeing him there. Santa, you are safe.
Today at the White House, President Bush signed a deal that would send nuclear fuel and know-how to India. When asked about the Indian deal, President Bush said, "It's the least we can do after stealing their land."
Over the weekend Senator Hillary Clinton was asked about President Bush and she said, "I'm not going to believe this President again." Hillary said, "To be fair, I stopped believing Presidents about 10 years ago."
This week in Arizona, the FBI arrested a group of military recruiters who were dealing cocaine from their recruiting offices. When asked about the cocaine, the recruiters said, "How else can we do more before 9 a.m. than most people do all day?"
Robert Gates, the new Secretary of Defense, was sworn in today, and during his speech he thanked his 93-year-old mother. After the speech, Gates' 93-year-old mother told her boy to go out there and kick the Kaiser's ass.
A record company is holding a contest to find an unknown singer to sing with Justin Timberlake at the Grammys. Apparently, they've narrowed "the unknown singer" down to any of the other guys from N'Sync.
The current Miss USA may have her title taken away because she recently spotted making out in a bar with Miss Teen USA. Those who witnessed the kiss say they haven't seen people chant "USA" like that since the 1980 Olympics.
Tiger Woods won his 11th tournament for 2006 yesterday. 11! In terms for the Raiders that would be three seasons.
How about this weather? It was so cold Jessica Simpson let Jack Frost nip at her nose just so she could look more like her sister Ashlee. It was cold today! It was so Nicole Richie was mixing her Vicodin with hot cocoa. It was so cold all four of Britney Spears cheeks were rosy.
Miss USA, Tara Connor from Kentucky, could be stripped of her crown this week for "behavioral issues”. She’s reportedly partying too much and that’s preventing her from performing her official duties, which are what? She’s miss USA. What do they do? You’ve so drunk you can’t wave now? I don’t want to say that Miss USA has been partying hard but on Sunday morning Charlie Sheen woke up wearing a crown. Also, who knew Miss USA has a drinking problem, so she’s headed to rehab. Miss USA is going to rehab. Finally, a Miss USA who is actually representative of this country
Of course we are right in the middle of Hanukah. Hanukah started last Friday. Christmas is, of course, next week. I had a Jewish friend of mine converted to Christianity last Thursday. It wasn’t for religious reasons, he just hadn’t bought his wife a gift yet and needed the extra time. "What’s the next holiday? Make me one of those.”
Did you know that President Bush was the first U.S. president to light a menorah at the white house (or as Bush calls it, a Jewish flashlight)? Although Bill Clinton was the first president to use candles for mood lighting in the oval office. The aroma ones.
President Bush is going to announce his new plan to keep the Sunnis and Shiites from trying to kill each other. Hey, good luck! We can’t even keep the New York Knicks and Denver Nuggets from trying to kill each other. Did you see that huge brawl yesterday at Madison Square Garden during the Knicks/Nugget game? A bunch of players were suspended for up to ten games. Carmelo Anthony suspended for 15 games. It’s a miracle no one was seriously injured. Witnesses say it could have been worse, but luckily the Knicks punches were all air balls.
Over the weekend Indiana Senator Evan Bayh dropped out of the presidential race. I didn’t even know that he had dropped in. Momentum continues for Barack Obama’s campaign. In fact, do you know what Barack Obama’s middle name is - -Hussein. Hussein! It could be worse – it could be Kerry.
Time magazine has named "you” as ‘person of the year.’ that’s right, everyone is being honored by the magazine. They say "you” the public have the biggest affect on the world this year by using the internet. Of course, guys are going, "what? We got an award for looking at porn?”
You know people are going to start putting that on their resume. 2004 worked at the carwash. 2005 manned the window at McDonald’s. Oh and 2006 I was "Time” magazine "person of the year.” Here’s my question, if we’re all "person of the year” why should we have to pay $4.95 to read about it? We won, shouldn’t we be getting a free copy?
One of India’s top computer service firms announced today it is going to start outsourcing its work to Egypt. They have so much work they are outsourcing to Egypt. You know what’s going to happen here—we’re going to call India for computer help, the call will get sent to Egypt and they’ll be so busy they’ll send it to a company in Arizona that can do it cheaper because they hired illegal workers from Mexico. Full circle.
Speaking of that, a California company that was hired to build a fence along the border with Mexico has been charged with hiring illegal immigrants. Isn’t that unbelievable? Prosecutors say this is the worst case of irony they've ever seen.
The Roman Catholic archdiocese in Los Angeles has agreed to pay $60 million to settle 45 sexual abuse lawsuits. This is all part of the church’s new, "We have left the child’s behind” program.
Congratulations to Britain’s Prince William. He’s graduated from the prestigious Sandhurst military academy as an army officer. Today president bush called him to say "you know, your dad can get you out of this. It’s not too late.”
Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones had a birthday today. Happy birthday to him. No word on how old he is, the autopsy results not in yet. But we should know…
Here's good news, I guess: New York City has banned trans fat from fast foods. Don't worry, you can still get E. Coli.
You folks been to Taco Bell lately? They have a wonderful new menu item, it's the 'Taco Apocalypto.'....but you know, Taco Bell's slogan for a long, long time was 'Think outside the bun.' That was their slogan. They have changed the slogan now, it's a little different: the slogan is 'Look outside for the ambulance.'
Well, it's that time, a couple months away from the big Super Bowl – you folks excited about the Super Bowl? And they announced the entertainment for this year's Super Bow half time – it will be Prince. Prince, Prince – that's great. Did they even look at my audition tape?
But how about Christmas? It's exciting, isn't it? I was up shopping at Bloomingdale's today and I was in the elevator and they were playing – Kenny G was playing in the elevator and I gave him a nice tip.
And Friday, by the way, is the beginning of Hanukkah, and everybody is in the Hanukkah spirit. Earlier today, yes, earlier today, a Giants receiver dropped a matzo ball.
First night of Hanukkah – down in Washington, D.C., a confused George W. Bush went hunting for colored eggs.
Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing ... Gary Coleman is going to drown.
The New York Times is reporting that the White House has hired a pastry chef. Unfortunately, the pastry chef was hired to be the new Secretary of Defense.
In Indiana, over 250 people got sick after eating at an Olive Garden restaurant. Experts say this could ruin Indiana's reputation as a great place to eat Italian food.
Plastic surgeons have been using Botox for years to fight wrinkles, but now doctors are saying that Botox can also be used to relieve constipation. Which is good - because if you can't move your face, you should at least be able to move your bowels.
In a recent interview, Kirstie Alley says she makes her boyfriends wait six months before she'll have sex with them. They insist on waiting twelve months.
Of course tonight is a very special Friday night. It is the first night of Hanukkah tonight. Happy Hanukkah everybody. Very busy party season starts in Los Angeles now. Tonight after the show, I’ll be going to Mel Gibson’s Hanukkah party. Then I’m going over to Kramer’s to celebrate Kwanzaa.
The Pentagon held a party today. The farewell party for Donald Rumsfeld. They did. They actually had a farewell party. Everyone in Washington said party was disaster, but Rumsfeld insists, no it was a success and the party is still going on. No one can figure how to get out of the party.
