President Bush’s gift list is smaller than last year. Just need to get one gift for England and that’s about it this year.
He is now at his lowest approval rating ever. Twenty-four percent. And if a presidential election were held today – John Kerry would still find a way to lose.
John Kerry is going to Iraq to visit with the troops. That should boost morale. Lets hope he has some new jokes!
Doctor Jack Kevorkian is up for parole this June. He has been approved to be let go as long as he promises not to kill anymore people. It’s the same deal they gave O.J.
"Rocky 6” is now in the theater. Don’t kid yourself, Rocky is getting old. In this movie he climbs into the ring and says, "What am I in here for?” Let’s hope Rocky has something left for number 7! I’ve actually seen the new ‘Rocky’ movie and it’s not that exciting. It’s about how Rocky develops a hamburger grill. But it’s interesting, Sylvester Stallone says that he abstained from sex while making his latest ‘Rocky’ sequel. Abstained from sex while he was making the sequel, and I was thinking, "Well, hey, Sylvester, how about going ahead and having sex and abstain from making sequels?"
President Bush says that he is not going to rush into anymore decisions on Iraq. He’s going to consider all advice and options. You know what this means.......he’s drinking again.
President Bush is hosting a summit on malaria down in Washington. He has promised not to invade Malaria.
Everybody's in a great mood because it's a beautiful day Isn't it a lovely day here in the city? It's so nice here, earlier today, Michael Richards hugged Al Roker. It was so beautiful today, Taco Bell customers were actually walking to the emergency room.
Celebrity birthday – do you like celebrity birthdays? Big celebrity birthday coming up – Jesus. Happy birthday.
Now here's something kind of sad: you know the Pillsbury doughboy? Poppin' Fresh, I believe is his name. The man who created the Pillsbury doughboy passed away at the age of 91. He will be cremated at 400 degrees for 20 minutes."
Has anybody started Christmas shopping yet? The hottest toy, the biggest toy seller so far for the holidays is this new Elmo doll. Have you read about this? Have you seen it? Apparently, it will bend over – the doll bends over, it will fall on the floor and roll around, it has what they call ‘interactive tickle spots’ – I’m sorry, that’s Paris Hilton.
Listen to this: a new poll, one in five Americans believe that they can’t trust President Bush. One in five Americans can’t trust President Bush. To put it another way, more Americans would be comfortable accepting a ride from Nicole Richie than trusting President Bush. You know, they had the Iraqi commission report and President Bush says he will now not make a decision about getting out of Iraq till 2007. He says he wants to give it some careful thought – yeah, unlike getting us into Iraq.
This is an anniversary, you know what happened in 2003? We found Saddam Hussein. Remember that? And isn’t it nice that since Saddam Hussein has been captured, we haven’t had to worry about terrorism or nuts with nuclear weapons?
Are you always looking for ways to lose weight? Well, according to a new report, you can lose 200 calories a day by having sex. Two hundred calories a day by having sex so, well, hell, instead of going on the Jenny Craig diet, you know, you can just go on Jenny Craig.
I come out here and I see all these people coming at me. I feel like Nicole Richie going the wrong way on the freeway. That’s been the big story here in Hollywood for the last couple of days. Nicole Richie arrested on a DUI. At first Nicole tried to hide from the police by pretending to be a dashboard ornament. She admitted to officers that she had taken vicodin. In fact, it was obvious that she swallowed it whole because you could still see the vicodin pill sticking out of each side of her throat. I guess she took the vicodin as a painkiller in anticipation of a head on collision. That shows she’s thinking. I’m not sure where she was going. But I think we can safely rule out Hometown Buffet.....I think it was pretty bad when they slapped the cuffs around her waist.
The federal government conducted raids yesterday of illegal immigrants at swift meat packing plants all around the country. 1,300 illegal workers – or as we call that in L.A., a Home Depot parking lot. It’s expected that the 1,300 illegal workers will be processed today, deported on Thursday, and hopefully back at work by Friday.
A judge has ruled because all paper money feels the same, the government discriminates against the blind. I think that is unfair. The government doesn’t discriminate against the blind. Isn’t that who lead us into Iraq?
A top strategist at the pentagon says the war on terror could take 100 years. Today President Bush warned against setting these timetables. President Bush said today, “I will not be rushed into a decision on Iraq.” I guess one time is enough for him.
The new head of the house intelligence committee, congressman Sylvester Reyes, failed a quiz on terrorist organizations given to him by the congressional quarterly... He didn’t know the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite. He didn’t seem to know what Hezbollah was. So apparently the term “intelligence committee” is just a suggestion, not a requirement.
The idiot president of Iran is holding a conference on whether or not the holocaust took place. Oh shut up. The good news? The conference is being catered by Taco Bell.
The FBI says there’s now a surge in crystal meth labs out in the wooded areas to evade detection. They’re urging hunters to be on the lookout. They say meth labs hidden in wooded areas are dangerous because wildlife can unintentionally discover the drugs and eat them. So if you see a bear who should be hibernating, but he’s doing pushups and tweaking on the ground instead, approach with caution.
The justice department announced that a record number of americans are behind bars this year. And those are just Cincinnati Bengals. Eight Bengals players have been arrested just this year. To which Oakland raider fans said, “why can’t you arrest any of our players?!”
A company announced this week they are now coming out with chewable birth control pills. Hey guys, let me tell you something, if the girl you are having sex with says she wants the chewable ones, she’s way too young. Okay? If she wants Flintstones on them, you’re going to jail!
In the current “Vogue” magazine there’s an interview with Angelina Jolie and she said that she is not really into snuggling, cuddling, hugging, or crying. You thought guys liked her before. Dream girl!
Dennis Kucinich, who ran for President in '04, announced he's running again in '08. Coincidentally, '04 is the number of votes Kucinich received.
Over the weekend, Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith won the Heisman Trophy but today when he tried to fly home, airline security wouldn't let the Heisman Trophy onboard the plane. Apparently, the Heisman has been considered a deadly weapon ever since O.J. Simpson won one.
Earlier today, Lindsay Lohan issued a statement saying she hasn't had a drink in a week. When asked how she did it, Lindsay said, "I passed out six and a half days ago."
This week in China, the pollution is so bad that residents are being asked to stay indoors. As a result, most Chinese people are staying home and ordering American.
Earlier today, the Taco Bell restaurants that had closed during the E. coli outbreak re-opened and assured customers everything is fine. Taco Bell's spokesman said, "Our customers can go back to experiencing the quality diarrhea they're used to. Don’t you remember the good old days when at fast food chains you only had to worry about finding the occasional finger in your food?
A lot of people are now getting interested in the origin of Barak Obama’s name. It turns out his name is actually Kenyan. It’s the Kenyan word for "Hillary’s worst nightmare.”
A U.N. study has found that methane gas causes more global warming than man. Unless the man has ate at Taco Bell.
Half of American consumers are buying gift cards this Christmas. The other half are women.
I can’t decide which happy holiday movie I want to go see. It’s either "Apocalypto” or "Blood Diamond”! I can’t decide.
Did you hear about this? You know the big controversy in the NBA? They introduced a brand-new synthetic ball. Were you aware of this? They’re now playing with a brand-new synthetic ball. And now, people hated it, the players all hated the new synthetic ball, so the league announced that they are going back to the old leather ball. Coincidentally, that’s what Larry King’s wife says when she goes home.
“Did you hear about this? Former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet was buried yesterday. I believe his last words were, ‘Maybe I’ll have just one more chalupa.’”
A new U.N report says that methane gas from cows is a bigger contributor to global warming than emissions from automobiles. So this explains Al Gore’s weight gain. Singled handedly he has been taking care of the problem one hamburger at a time.
Actor Wesley Snipes has been arrested. Still no word yet on Osama bin Laden.
Smog is bad in Tehran, Iran. Apparently they have a huge problem there. It’s so bad that scientists can’t even see the nuclear bomb right in front of them while they’re working.
Kevin Federline might be competing in an upcoming pro-wrestling event. I never thought I would ever say this, but I expected better out of pro-wrestling.
Let me ask you a question: do you like science? Do you also like scientific discoveries? You know, when I came out here, I could tell. Scientists have found a 50 million-year-old shrimp, 50 million-year-old shrimp – it was in the seafood salad at Taco Bell.
The Christmas tree at the White House fell over. Actually, it didn’t really fall. What happened was president Bush was standing next to it when a photographer walked into the room and apparently the tree was trying to distance himself from President Bush.
President Bush has received a copy of the 96 page Iraq study group report. When they gave it to him President Bush said, "Don’t tell me how it ends.” And they said, "It doesn’t.” They have release their 142-page report. And President Bush has not commented. He said, 'I'm not going to comment on this until I've completely ignored it.'"
Happy birthday to senator John Kerry. This is his 63rd birthday. They threw him a surprise party for him. Well, they think he was surprised…with his personality it’s hard to tell. Instead of blowing out the candles he just talked to them until all the life just flickered out.
According to a U.N. report, methane gas from cows is more damaging to the environment than automobile emissions... That explains why Al Gore has put on so much weight ... He is trying to single-handedly rid the world of cows, one cheeseburger at a time.
If you think smog is bad here, it’s being reported that the city of Tehran in Iran is having a huge smog problem. Apparently the smog in that city is so bad Iranian scientists can’t even see the nuclear bomb they claim they’re not working on.
Mel Gibson’s new movie "Apocalypto” is the number one movie in the country. It’s about a huge group of people who vanish from Mexico. In fact, the original title was "from here to Wal-mart.” But they changed it later. "'Apocalpyto' – but it is a terribly violent motion picture. It shows bloody human sacrifices, and Donald Rumsfeld is calling it the 'feel-good movie of the year.'"
A man in a Wal-mart in Oklahoma…shopping at Wal-mart, found a plastic bag of cocaine on one of it’s shelves. Here’s the interesting part, it was marked down to $1.35. They really do have low prices. No one can figure out how it got there. They are now saying that they don’t believe the cocaine belonged to an employee because nobody working at Wal-mart can afford cocaine. In fact, one elderly greeter said, "the wife and I can barely afford a hit of crystal meth on the weekends.”
This week a group of evangelical ministers have started working with the reverend Ted Haggard…remember he got caught with a male prostitute…they are working with him on his "restoration plan" to transform him from gay to straight. They say they're going to spend a lot of time counseling him and having "soul-bearing" talks and then they will sit around and discuss their feelings. Doesn't that sound kind of gay?
It has happened again. In Fort Collins, Colorado, a 29-year-old female schoolteacher is accused of having sexual relations with a 17-year-old male student. According to the court affidavit, they did everything except actually have sex. They simulated sex with their clothes on. Or as we call that when I was in high school, the prom.
A woman in fort wayne, Indiana is suing because she got shot in her car at a Taco Bell drive through restaurant. She said that Taco Bell should have done more to protect her from people. Hey, Taco Bell can’t even protect her from their own food. Bullets are the least of your problems at Taco Bell. Because of this e. Coli outbreak, Taco Bell is going to have to make major changes in their sanitation procedures... Or, maybe just lower their price.
This weekend, we also had the opening of the film, "Unaccompanied Minors.” Or as [ex-]congressman Mark Foley calls it, "The greatest movie ever made.”
