i felt like writing a blog...but i didn't know what i should write one about...so, i decided to go to google and type in some random letters....well...sort of....in actuality, i gave the keyboard a headbutt in tribute to the recently departed bam bam bigelow. the results of the headbutt were the letters 'hkjh'. so, i typed it in to google image search and became horrified at what grotesque images awaited me...
alright...so the images didn't start out so awful...in fact, they actually seemed friendly. that little archway glowed as if it was the gateway to heaven itself. it made me feel safe and cozy....full of warmth....of joy...it made me feel all warm like a freshly cooked meal...
...which ironically was one of the next pictures to appear...but wait....i think....yes, i think i see onion in that piece of culinary art....onion, of course, is the vegetable of satan...and, of course, there appears to be beans and such in there....beans cause gas....and from what my catholic friends tell me, farts are whispers from the devil....and speaking of satan...people are afraid of satan....like this soccer guy is...
look at his face...full of terror as he screams in agony...apparently, when satan whispered to him with his oniony bean breath, it was a frightening story of some sort. or maybe.....maybe he saw this abomination of nature...
...that's gotta be the creepiest doll i've seen since those new kids on the block dolls came out. those cold, lifeless eyes....those are the eyes of a murderer if i ever saw them. and that white clothing...it's too white...uncomfortably white...like she bleached her clothing for a week and then tossed that oxi-clean garbage on it just for good measure....nobody cleans their clothing that well....unless they're trying to hide something....like blood stains. and according to the oxy-clean commercials, blood ain't got nothing on oxy-clean....which is nice 'cause i bet that doll spills a lot of blood. is there anyone out there who isn't afraid of that evil, evil doll? yes...
drunk folks. the folks that are so inebriated that instead of seeing the face of pure evil, they see something like this...
the face of pure stupidity, who happens to be joined with an asian person on each side. now, while tigger seems incredibly retarded....and trust me, he is...piglet told me so....anyway, while he seems retarded, he's actually pretty evil. need proof? how about the fact that he's always scaring rabbit and messing up his stuff? yeah that's right...he messes up rabbit's stuff...his STUFF!!! what a jerkfaced poopskull.
anyway, there's an odd similarity there...'cause if given the chance, satan will mess up our stuff, too. so maybe, just maybe, that retarded bouncing tiger is, in fact, the lord of darkness and evilness himself....that's right....maybe tigger is satan....and maybe that doll is one of his minions...and maybe he's creating more dolls as we speak...
...I KNEW IT!!!...sweet tonsilitis with a spoon, that demonic, fictional tiger devil is making murderous dolls like a food-lovin' health nut devours frogurt -- very quickly...luckily for us all, though, i'm good at problem solving...there's one easy way to stop this evil...one easy, easy way to shield ourselves from the destruction that tigger wants to rain down on us...
...plaid umbrellas...they'll stop the rain. from what the cover of a book tells me, the devil wears prada...which tells me that the devil hates plaid. i'm such a genius...if we want to repel the evil that satan himself, tigger, wishes to drench us with, we need to get ourselves some plaid umbrellas. if you doubt that they'll work, just take a look at that man's face...that's the face of confidence...there's no fear....he knows that tigger and his murderous dolls won't come near him so long as he carries around such an unfashionable accessory around with him...
this blog has made me feel brilliant...i was frightened in the end, but with my wonderful abilty to solve problems, i've single-handedly figured out the way to prevent tigger and his dolls from harming us....so, i can check off my 'save the world from tigger' spot on my 'what to do before i die' checklist. so what's next on my list, you say? simple...
...diamond-studded twinkies are on the way...trust me....they're on the way. adios folks.
