i wish this pain would go away. i wish i could forget this past year and forget all the shit ive gone through.i wish i would have left last year like i had planned i think things would be a lot better than they are right now. im such a miserable person i have so much going on inside me and i cant deal with all of it. i came home the other night and my friends mom asked me what was wrong and i just stared at her for a second and took a deep breath and said nothing im just thinking about my day before i go out to dinner. little did she know i just cried for over an hour.ive been avoiding talking to my family and most of my friends just because i dont really want to deal with anything right now. i signd up for a boxing class i figured it would help with some of my agression and maybe help get me into the shape i used to be hahahah . i dont know what im going to do as far as life goes i guess its really just time for me to start living mine.ive gotten rid of a lot of my stuff and i still need to get rid of more but that will all happen shortly when im ready to let go of more. my goal is to have very little so that when im finally ready to leave this place it will be easy. no goodbyes or tears or boyfriends or girlfriends just pack and go to start my life on my own for once in some far away place im hoping germany but if not i will go someplace.im going to better this time. im not going to date anyone. im not going to try to make friends.im going to leave this place with my guitar some clothes and my notebook of songs. a compilation of all the shit ive had to deal with over these past couple of years. maybe one day someone will here my songs or maybe they wont maybe i will stay content playing for myself hahah i know its my greatest passion ive been told by so many people that performing is what i was meant for but im a chicken shit hahah and im ok with that.but now its time for me to start caring about me and protecting myself from the evils of the world. ill never let someone in again.im going to lock my heart away and keep it tight in my grasp and end up a bitter old woman in a nursing home because thats better than being put through pain and agony of relationships. it would be better to me to be alone and not get cheated on or get left alone at the one moment in your life when you need and want someone to just be by yourside the most. i never want to have that feeling ever again. i never want to sit alone in the dark crying. i nver want to be in pain alone and scared and angry with choices ive made i never want to become the person that was good once and turned into something completly void of emotion or feeling. i dont know where im going and i dont know what im doing but im going to do something and all i know is that i never want to feel like this again . i never want to make the choice i had to make by myself. i never want to do something so awful alone again . so the best way to avoid that is just to not do the things that brought me to that place. i made bad choices did stupid things and hurt a life and i feel awful about it but what makes me feel really bad is im the only one who really cares about it.i dont know how people can be so heartless but it breaks my heart to know thats what and how people have become. most of all it just hurts
