The Professor's blog: "What you need to know...."

so its been a year since i last posted something on here...at least according to what i was looking at. Alot of people I thought were mt friends turned up to be fake as fuck. some who were my friends have left for one reason or another. I know i havent met any of yal in real life but i feel like, if we are talking and communicating on a regular basis that makes us friends, or something. Maybe im just fucked in the head for thinking and hoping that. I dont know, but thats my take on it. I do hate the fact that i think about you so m uch thought. yeah it was all fun in games in the lounge, when the lounge was up and running. i hate the fact that we meshed so well and shared so much much on and off of here. face timing and texting ...and then ...poof your gone. then your back and then gone. I hate the fact that i cant listen to music and not think about you. I hate the fact that we were friends and now...its dead...gone...nothing. Maybe it was stupid of me to put so much trust in the fact that you were being honest, should i have listened when they tried to expose you and what you were doing...was i stupid for waiting to talk to you and let you know i didnt appriciate being lied to? how fucking stupid was i for thing that you would be anymore honest even after our conversations...you just ...left. Like what the entire fuck? I will never be able to visit london with out wondering what your doing, what book are you reading, what song are you hearing, how are the girls doing...and its your fault. i do miss you...and your laugh, your smile...hearing your voice tell me the most mundane and and absolute ordinary of things about your day, but it was you and it was life through your eyes. i do miss that. I miss hearing the exciting when a new tune dropped and you telling me how it was an absolute mad tune...and i had to listen to it. if you cant tell i've been thinking about you. Ive never forgotten you although...i would like too.

I cant tell if...im being stupid or overly friendly, overly invested , or what. I guess im just being stupid...and i deserve a right good kick for it...as you would say. I mess hearing you call me 'cheecky'. I mess our book conversation and how you would say anne rice is a good start but there is so much better out there...i still wonder what that better is...i have yet to find it. how you drink glasse of wine and tell me how you read the ane rice books i was just discovering and boom...we were off on a great conversation. it's maddening you know, how i let you into every prt of my everuday and now that your gone i cant get you out. your memory just is there, and i cant do or say anything. i hate the fact that i have no less than 3 tunes with your voice in them, and i cant even listen to them any more....smh. i miss my friend...yeah i talk to my wife but her opinions are tainted by our relationship and her ever exisiting urge to protect me and my feelings. You..talking to you was like being back on the block and talking with my people...just raw, uncut, unfiltered brutal honesty...with no strings attached. Maybe i ran you back to his arms because i reminded you of what you were missing being alone, and you just couldnt tell me how you felt knowing where i stand, maybe you vanishing like smoke in the wind was because i was to good a friend, but christ we were seperated by no less tha 2000 miles of ocean. well I hope it was worth it, i hope he is treating you good and hasnt beaten you anymore...hopefully your not being abused and mistreated. im hoping your in the island with your parents and the girls are well, not ina a hospital healing or worse. i probably wouldnt forgive my self even though its not my place and never will be my place to make you leave. I really do m iss you altough im pretty sure even if we did reconnect, things wouldnt be the same....the trust wouldnt be there. I dont know that i could be friends with you again...you actually hurt me more than any one online should ever be allowed to...lesson learned i guess. I do miss you still, or atleast...the idea of you...of us...of our friendship. you filled a hole that was empty for a very long time...and then you made it even worse. All good things come to an end as they say...i guess we had to end as well.