i wonder if it will ever go away it seems all i feel is pain.i want so much to just be happy again. i told jesse the other day after he said he'd kill me jokingly to go ahead and that i had accomplished a lot already. i said i graduated high school, attended some college, got my drivers license and mastered in baby killing.why do things have to be so hard? cant we all just be heartless minions? i wish i could be. i wish the things i did and the things others have done and will do to me wouldn't affect me but they do and its just the most retched feeling ever. i sometimes wish dieing was easier. people always tell me ive survived a lot. but honestly a lot of times i wish i hadn't because life is so unpleasant sometimes. its not really that i wish i was dead i just wish i didnt exist sometimes. i know its a morbid way of thinking but i cant help it its how i feel.ever since i was a little girl ive woken up and wished that i could erase the day before or just erase activities i had done and not do them.i s that normal? i don't really know what to think anymore . all i know is that ive had these strange feelings inside me and i dont know what to do with them . do i ignore them? do i seek professional help? do i slit my wrist and hope it works? or take countless pills and other various drugs and really hope that they work this time. why is it that other people find solace in these things. why the fuck do i keep staying here in this place and why is it so hard for me my own sister did it on accident and luckily was revived but still i hear stories about all these people taking the easy selfish way out why the fuck cant i? i question my very being every day i wake up thinking im still here and i go to bed thinking maybe something awful will happen maybe a fire or a crash. i wake up and venture off into my day thinking of all the possible ways it could all just end. someone could crash into me. and i've had these thoughts since i was little as well. i know its not normal for any sane person to have these thoughts but i'm sure by now you've gathered that i'm not really all that sane. so what will become of me will i die soon or die a miserable old hag filled with a life of regrets and nothing to show for it? or will someone put me out of my sweet misery? i wish i had the answers.hell i wish i could just be happy but i hurt so much inside and people i care about get angry because i don't talk or laugh very much but who the fuck wants to hear about how miserable someone is? no one really. so i keep it locked away inside me or release it in some sort of writing like a new song or something to that sort.all i know is that right now i'm dieing a slow miserable death and i don't want to do it anymore and i just wish all this shit and all this pain would go away
