Morbid Mandy's blog: "Just life in general"

This week has been very busy for us. Adam started school Monday, Monday night was our first parenting class together, and that went well. Yesterday I had a job interview at the grocery store we shop at, and they're looking for a cake decorator with experience (which sux, cuz I wanna work in the bakery/deli section). Today, I met with my case worker so she could place me at a job site, and she is having me do clarical work there at where she's working, and she's also going to find me an actual job as a clarical reseptionest type of person. She's just trying to find me a job that isn't involving much moving around, bending and lifting, because of my injured left knee. Then at 4 pm, I met with my psychitrist Brent Hoppe, and that went well. Trinity found his goodie drawer in his office, and was grabbing granola bars, lollie pops, corn, and all sorts of other things. She was even kind enough to offer her Gerber Graduates Vegtable crackers. We talked about mine and Adam's relationship, and how it's going, Adam being in the Army Reserves and how it is in there for him, and my personal issues. Tomorrow, I have to go to the hospital for my appointment on my injured knee, and be reffered to a specialist, so I can start doing physical theropy. And Friday, I meet with another psychitrist and she is going to kinda pry into my past to see what is really wrong with me besides me being bi-polar, and other mental illnesses, so I'm kinda scared, because I know it's going to be really emotional for me to talk about my fucked up childhood, teen life, and my life when I was with the girls dad in Missouri, and after I left him. I hate having to relive my past, but it'll give me closer on who I really am, and why I am the way that I am, due to my fucked up life. I am so glad Adam is my boyfriend, he's done so much for me in just the small amount of time that we've been together. There is more to tell, but Adam and I are going to bed now, so I'll blog when I get a chance. Ciao Y'all!!!

"Even if you did fuck every Tom Dick and Harry, I'd still love ya. =) Like I said, I don't care what you do with your life. As long as you are living it happily. It's really none of my business. I am not the kind of person who judges people like that. Now if we hung out all the time and you were involvong me in some shit, that's a different story. I don't keep people in my life who want to screw it up, ya know? But I know you wouldn't do that. But don't worry, you aren't gonna lose me. And if I ever heard anything about you I would go to you first before I played high school games and started ignoring you and posting things in a blog" Words that comforted me and made me feel more worthwhile. Those words came from my bestfriend of 17 years and that's what I call a TRUE FRIEND. That other one is just a dumbass that needs to grow up and get a fucking life. I came to realize a few things about the other girl last night before Adam and I went to sleep. I think it is a jealously thing because Adam and I are more happy and get along so well rather than fight and call each other names and get my daughter involved. Adam is helping me get my ass into school and would rather me do what ever makes me happy (if it's staying at home or getting a job before I start school in May), so he's helping me get applications, and I'm turning them in, and last but not least..............To the people who assume Adam is Trinity's father, he's not, he's the male figure in her life that takes care of her and spends time with her and all that that a father should do. So with that last part, Adam spends time not just with my daughter playing cars, throwing her up in the air and catching her, making odd ball noises at each other and just being all out goofy, Adam spends time with me too, and we enjoy what time we have as what it looks like a "family". So because that other girl isn't getting any of what I just said from her husband, she's taking her anger out on me, and saying more shit to me just to make herself feel better, just because she's unhappy. Like I said, she needs to grow up and get a fucking life and now a reality check, because there WILL NOT BE anymore chances for her to be my friend again. She thrwe 18 years down the drain just because she's retarded and selfish. And the funny thing is, she claims to be a woman of God, and wants to raise her child to be a Christian, but she hold grudges, judges people, and slanders people as well. I don't want her kind around me or my loved ones. Their way of thinking and treating people is contegious and I can't have that around me and everyone around me that loves, cares, and respects me for who I am and all my past faults and mistakes. I also have a few other friends that are like the one that made those statements above, and I treasure them and love them as well, as they do for me. People can be so cruel and so disgusting, and it makes me wonder, where have all the good hearted people gone?

Yesterday I posted a blog about what's been going on for the beginning of my new year, self esteem issues, and a considered goal. I posted that blog on MySpace and TagWorld as well, and when I saw that I had a responce in MS from my bestfriend of 18 years, I figured it'd be words of encouragement and sympathy. NO!!!! She was ugly towards me and basically told me that I may as well become a hooker because I've fucked every tom, dick, and harry's (figure of phrase) so I might as well get paid at what I'm good doing. 1, I haven't had that many partners, so it's not her fucking place to say that shit. 2, I don't bring up her past with her mistakes, and everytime she apoligizes, I give in and accept her back as a friend. Not anymore, she's done and gone. No more fucking chances. Then she took me off her friend list, and I don't even know what I fucking did to piss her off. No clue. So with that, I'm not going to respond to any of her messages, and try to figure out what the hell went wrong. I never fucking said I was going to become a stripper, I said I was considering it. And as for her saying that distasteful fuckin bullshit about my past ONCE AGAIN, not only did she piss me off and betray me, but she has lost her ONLY FRIEND of 18 years, because she can't fuckin be nice and said the dumbest things. I can care less right now if she is having problems with her marriage, I think it could very well be that she's jealous that Adam and I are happy and we get along, but we haven't been together for 6 years like her and her husband. When I told her my consideration last week, she sounded kinda shocked, but happy, because she made a comment that if I was to become a stripper, I can pay for her to get a gastric bipass, extra skin removal, lasic sergury for stretch marks, and a boob job. WTF went wrong last night? I don't fuckin know, and anymore, I don't give a shit. She's history, and she'll never have me as her best friend ever again, because I'm sick and tired of her mood swings and her putting me down and all that other shit, just because she's unhappy and the wrong hair flew up her ass. She has the nerve to tell me to grow up and get a life, tells me this and that, and blah blah blah, but I'm fixin to go to school in May, I'm getting the treatment much needed for my parenting lack of, and mental issues, as well as finding a job (stripper or not). Tell me that's not growing up and getting a life? She has only been a mom for 1 year, and she thinks she's mother of the universe, just because she sat in the hospital for 2 months after her daughter was born 3 months early, but I've been a mom for almost 5 years, and have been through more shit then she'll ever be. Shit that was done to be in front of my children and I survived it. Doesn't mean I'm better or her. Maybe I sound immature now bitching about her stupidity and her choice of words that were said, but a bestfriend of 18 years SHOULD NOT be that ugly and disrespectful and turn their back on you without an explination. Am I wrong for being this pissed off?

So the new year has started out on a weird note. I fucked my knee up 2 more times (same bad knee). So I wonder how much more damage is done than what's already been. It looks as if it may be broken internally, but I'll find out probably Thursday. I just can't believe all this stuff that's going on in my life now, and so fast. Monday at 6 pm, Adam and I have our first parenting class, Wednesday I meet back with my psychtrist, Thursday the hospital about my knee, and Friday another meeting with my psychtrist and some other people to see what kinds of antidepressants and help I should be getting treated for on my depression and my other mental bull shit. I mean at least I admit that I hve these issues, and I'm sure not the fuck proud of who I am when it comes to those issues, so that's why I'm going to the parenting class and seeking mental help for my depression and anger. A lot of people have the same issues, and just don't see that it's wrong, or they do, they're just too proud to admit to it or even ashamed. I'm not saying I'm better than those who are in denial or ashamed, I'm far from better, I'm just making a note that I'm getting the help that's much needed, that's been neglected. Not having a job right now has a great deal to my depression as well, but I'm filling out applications and turnig them in. I'd like to find a job becomming a stripper, just because the money is good and it'll help me take care of my family and help me get the surgery I want and need (lypo-suction, tummy tuck, lasic removal on stretch marks and acne scars, breats lift, and a nose job). I have the lowest self esteem issues, and becomming a stripper as well as the money will help me be the person I want to be. Sexy, happy and full of life. I know that being a stripper isn't the key to my happiness, and other jobs can contribute to my happiness, but stripping makes faster money. Even strippers aren't happy with thmeselves to a degree, but they are. Anyways, that's how my new year started out. But on a good note, I'm still alive and living a decent life, and I still have the best children and bf ever!!!

Yet again, we celebrated another holiday with Adam's family. Booze, jello shots, balloons, and appitizers, always a great party deal. His family and family friends are so damn fun to be around, I love being here in Utah. Trinity was a big focus on the party, due to her dancing to the music, and when the ball was dropping, so were her pants, lol. She was acting really funny, and you can tell it was because she was fighting her sleep. I drank so much, like 2 jello shots, 4 regular shots, a glass of champigne, a glass of warm wine, and 2 mixed drinks (very harsh ones). I was wanting some beer, but they didn't have Corona. That's ok, I still had a hella fun time. Then a guy we met from a previous party showed up, and he's cool ppl. We ended up taking him home with us because he told us that he didn't have a ride. Little did we know, he didn't live too far from where we were. He never told us, but there was no complaints. To make the day end on a weird but fun note, Adam offered to start teaching me math for the classes I'm going to be taking, and that was fricken boring as hell, but fun, because I'd ask questions, and kinda make fun. Then there came fun time, that's always my FAVORITE time, but then again, time with Adam is always a good thing, unless we bicker at each other like we're married. So yeah, here's the grand finaly of the evening. My little "angel" (haha, NOT!!!) took our flavored, warming sex gel and dumped the majority of it on our sheets!!! Adam, forgot to put the lid on, and I was trying to tell him that I needed his help with the bed sheets to come off, and she was alone in our room. Needless to say, we didn't get mad, but she's not allowed in our room unless we're both in there or one of us is with her. So that's how the first day of my new year started. I love it!!

So yesterday was my birthday, and I turned 28. Adam took me out to Arby's for lunch, then we went to the mall, did some christmas shopping, he bought me a Play Boy beanie hat. We went to Spencer's and I got us some naughty flavored lotion, and Trinity a Chucky doll. Then we went to FYE and Adam got a game and a Happy Bunny poster. Then we went to Hot Topic for me, so I could shop. Trinity, omg, she was just like any 2 y/o throwing a nasty fit and making a sympathy party for herself. I was shopping in Hot Topic, picking out my christmas presents with the money my mom sent to us for Christmas. The whole time, Trinity was screaming her head off, and crying, just because she wanted me to hold her (note, I have a fucked up knee and can't do to much, and really not supposed to be on my feet). People were saying how sad it was and how they felt sorry for her, and when they found out she was mine, they were even more sympathitic towards the situation. I don't know how Adam stayed so calm and collected about it, but he did, and that means the world to me. She was peachy keen just as soon as we found a couch to sit on, and I was holding her. People offered her a lolli pop and a cookie, and that still didn't work. After the mall for a while, it was supper time, so I picked out this great Greek restaurant. The food was amazing, but the salad was too salty, so Adam and I didn't finish ours. Then we went to a liquor store and got some booze for my b-day party, and some juices to mix with some of the hard alcohol. His brothers hosted my party at their house, and not many people showed up. That's ok with me though, because most of their friends don't really know me, so I wouldn't expect unknown people at an event for me. All in all, I had a fun b-day (minus the tantrums and scenes from Trinity).

So last night, Adam and I started out on a date of just him and I for once. We went to the mall, shopped a bit, and talked about going to a movie or play some pool, and then after one of the 2 go out to dinner. So in the mist of things after the mall, we decided to go to his brothers' house to go pick up some of his things and 3 bar stools for his mom, and then decide what to do after that. So we got what we needed, and went to his mom's house to drop off her bar stools, and as I was helping Adam get one of the stools out, I lost my balance, glabbed the tailgate, my left ankle gave out, but I fucked my left knee up badly. So now it's all swollen, and there is fliud all around my knee cap and joints. I refused to go to the ER last night because I wasn't sure if I was ok'd for Medicaid, but today, I found out today that my medical was active. I decided that it would be approiate for me to go to the ER, especially since my knee is fucked up, and I lost sleep because of it. Now that I spent time in the ER, got a shot of some "pain killer" in my thigh (which didn't help at all), I get to go back Friday night on my birthday, and get an MRI. That's when we're supposed to have a party for me at my boyfriend's brothers' house. Even if I'm not there, I'd rather my party continue. Adam has been such a great help, and I soooooooo sppreciate all that he's doing for me. That's why I'm falling for him more, because some of the asses in my past wouldn't have gone all out to do what he's done for me. And believe me, I won't underappreciate his help, I'm not a bitch like that. He'll get his thanx in a special way tonight.....hehe

Today seemed like a long day for some reason. I guess it's because I've been trying to get rid of a migraine. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww, my boyfriend is being such a sweet heart!!!! Hehe. He asked me if I was cold, and offered me his coat or a blanket. That's so cute, he's concerned about me being cold. He might not think anything of it, but I think it's sweet and thoughtful. Anyways, I had to do some sort of bragging. So yeah, we went to Adam's mom's just to pick up somethings, and then go to the mall, but we all ended up going to Red Robin for dinner. Adam's been meaning to trade his PS2 in to get a new one because the one he had was fucked up, and wanted to traded some games for money. He didn't get what he was wanting, but he did get Mortal Kombat Armaggdon (how ever it's spelled). Then we went back to his mom's to play the game,and watched a couple of movies. I can tell he's happy that his new PS2 works because now he can play the new games he bought a while back.

Today has had it's ups and downs. It's not that I'm ungreatful about certain aspects of my life, it's just, well as a mom, I need a break from reality. My boyfriend has been assuming that I've this attitude problem, and says he's slightly annoyed, but in fact, I don't have an attitude problem, it's just how I am. But today, yeah I did have a major problem, and I feel bad because I snapped at my boyfriend for me losing a check that I needed to cash in today while he was home. Plus my daughter (I know she's 2, and it's expected) has been very annoying, very whiney, and clingy. I love her don't get me wrong, but I can only handle so much without wanting to go insane myself. I just don't want my boyfriend to think that I'm this bitchy mom/woman, and decide that he wants to separate because it's too much. We all have our bad days, but it just seems as if mine are always in between. I would like to have just one night alone with my boyfriend, that way I can spend the quality time I know and feel that we need. I told him that I was getting a little more attached to him, and he said it bothers him that people get attached to him easily. But I'm not just some person, I'm his girlfriend. Maybe he feels the same way, and is having a hard time expressing it, but I wish I knew how he honestly feels about us and our relationship. I don't wanna lose him, he's the best boyfriend I've ever had, and to me he's perfect. Anyways, yeah, I guess I'm reading more into it than I should and maybe over looking a whole lot.