sinfulvampress's blog: "Life"

I'm crying as I write this, because i'm sad. I'm sad and i'm scared. things with him aren't good. rather.. they suck. I don't want to lose this family, but this is killing me so badly. If it wasn't for Dakota, i'd be long gone. No I wouldn't. I haven't been alone in years, and i might be too scared to be alone. and then what? jump from one meaningless relationship to another? what would that be worth. I want that first sweet kiss again. I want the raw passion. I want that first little bit.. getting to know every inch of someones body for the first time... I don't know, maybe I'm just hopeless. but my love for him just fades every time he yells. I don't know if i know what love is anymore.... He might have changed, but its more likely i did. maybe i just grew up. actually i know i grew up. I whine a lot. Leslie sinfulvampress

Wow. Just Wow. I joined LostCherry this time last year. I can't even remember how I found it. I'm user 6776. I remember being in the Top Ranks. As of right now, there are 624,426 members! There are a ton of changes on here too. I mean, Wow. I can remember the days where I'd see myself on the "who's online" bar every few minutes... Now i can be on for hours and not be there. Awesome Job, Cherrytap staff. I love you all to pieces! Cherrylove, sinful.

Sometimes, I don't sleep. I'll go for days without eating. I'll cry when no one is watching, and I'll re-read romantic and sex scenes in Harlequin books (they're really too frivilous(sp?) to be called a novel) over and over again. Sometimes I'll go on webcam and be a whore, because I need the attention, I need the compliments. I don't last long during sex. I love quickies. I'll take countless pictures of myself in hopes one of them will be okay, then post them on cherrytap, because .. let's face the facts here, no one is mean on cherrytap. everyone has at least one comment that calls them sexy/hot/stunning/beautiful even if they are 1000 lbs. (maybe everyone here can see the beauty in others, maybe we're just nice) Sometimes, I look at porn. yes, I believe it's wrong, but I just can't help myself. I'm straight, but sometimes I think I'm bi. I've kissed two girls, one of them was my best friend at the time. She's since moved on without me. I Love Women. Sometimes, I wish I was a slut. A whore. I think it would be awesome to be an exotic dancer, and I want a pole dance kit for my bedroom. I'm an exibitionist at heart. Sometimes I ache for attention, and sometimes I wish I was never born. I'm the real me online, but way too shy in real life. I still talk to the first guy that broke my heart, and my friends would kill me if they knew, because he broke their hearts too. But now You all know. I've cheated once. I was drunk, it wasn't sex, and even though my bf knows, I still feel guilty when I think about it. My friend dates the guy now, and parties with booze are awkward, although we all get along most of the time. I'm true to my Starsign. I love expensive things and I'm bossy I work out to Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease Series. Sometimes I have really morbid thoughts. thoughts of killing people, but most often, thoughts of killing myself. I try to ignore a friend of mine's cry for help, because I know shes suicidial, but I think she might do it for attention. Because I have. Sometimes I get the urge to cut again. Because I used to, and I loved the blood. Razorblades make my pulse race, and its something I can't quite explain. I'm drawn on paper with my own blood. I still have it. I wish I smoked. Because when I did, it made me feel cool. Sometimes I wish I could be open, honest. But the only one I'm ever honest to is the one that broke my heart first, because I sometimes feel like I could tell him anything, only over the safety of msn. Sometimes I panic about Global Warming. And sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if i hadn't moved to Ontario. I've smoked weed. And I've loved it. I wish I was an Actress or a Model, because then I could shove it in the face of everyone who's hurt me. I hate my nose, and would consider a nose job. I hate my stretch marks, because i've never worn a bikini, and now I never can. Only having sex with one person my entire life is going to drive me insane. I dream of snapping on those who have teased me, only I know I'll do damage when I finally do snap. I can't wait to go back to school, because I need a friend here, but I'm scared I won't make any when they find out I'm a mom. I hate myself with a fiery passion, that which I've only felt towards one other thing. A love for Cape Breton.