CantSleepClownsWillEatMe's blog: "Crushed and not the good way"

This week is going to be a very difficult week for me. With my boyfriend being gone this week I am going to have to start packing. I was leary about unpacking when I first got here because of knowing in the back of my mind that I would have pack again. The only thing is, when I came this last time I had summer and winter clothes, going to try to make my suitcases lighter and just carry the winter clothes. This time in Germany has been harder then the last, not seeing my boyfriend except on the weekends, I feel cheated although I knew that is how it was going to be. Last night we got into a HUGE discussion where of course I was in tears. All I am looking for is reassurance. Yes when I am back in the states I am going to be screwed, not having money to live off of and not having a way to get to places. That scares me. Before he said he would help me, now he says he cant help me when I am in the states if I want him to be able to take care of his bills here so when I come back I can stay a year. He said something about being able to give me my life back, dont he realize I am not looking for a life from him, I want his love, thats it. But I do want to be able to put what I can into this relationship too. I asked him what happens after that year, if I am just dreaming of a future with him or if something is going to happen. He said we will see. This is the first time I have given my complete heart to anyone. I did comment on I should have never dropped my walls, then this wouldnt hurt so bad. But I do know that he is my world. I love him to death and would even die for him....