FRESH OR FROZEN?
First, you must decide what kind of Turkey is right for you: fresh or frozen? This decision is simply a matter of personal taste; either way you can be sure of a tasty, healthy bird carcass. Frozen turkeys are flash frozen immediately after being processed (killed). The meat, once defrosted, is virtually at the same freshness as the day it was processed (viciously murdered).
Fresh turkeys are deep chilled after packaging. Because they have a shorter shelf life, they are usually more expensive. But maybe that's the way you like it. Maybe you're the type who's willing to pay a little extra so you know you're ingesting a creature who, only days before, was living and vital with the essence of life still coursing through its doomed veins. Or maybe you're the type who just likes to make sure everyone knows just how well off you are as you prance past the proles in the supermarket with your freshly-killed bird.
BE THOROUGH
Don't simply look down at a pile of turkeys and assume the best looking one is the best. Be sure to pick up your choice and examine the underside as well. It's a good idea to do this in front of a store employee so they know what a discerning customer. REMEMBER: FLIP the bird in front of others!
HOW BIG?
How large should your turkey be? The normal rule is to buy one pound of turkey for every guest expected at the Christmas dinner table. But think about it, is your family really normal? You're big eaters, aren't you? When one of your family members is involved in a tug-of-war, they just assume they'll be taking the anchor position, right? Don't you all do a lot of shopping at Big and Tall shops, though none of you are particularly tall? Maybe you should be using your own special formula to figure out how much turkey to get. Will Uncle Chuck be coming this year? Better figure again.
PERSONALITY
You don't want to appear shallow, do you? Should you really only pick your turkey based on appearance, and the size of it's body? What about its talents? What about its personality? Shouldn't these things matter? No. The bird is dead. Get a grip.
MALE or FEMALE
While qualities like taste and tenderness are virtually identical between male and female turkeys, it's always best to pick a female turkey for Christmas dinner - if you're super lucky, there may be bonus turkeys inside!
****************
POINTERS for DEFROSTING your TURKEY
There are several different ways to thaw out your turkey before you begin to prepare it. We present them below, in descending order of appropriateness:
THE FRIDGE
The best method is to thaw your turkey in the refrigerator, allowing 14 hours for every five pounds of fowl. This method will result in the best finished product.
WATER
If you're poor at planning ahead, you may have to pick a less ideal method. Turkey can also be thawed in cold water, allowing one half hour for every pound. For a large turkey, this is still likely to take a while, and you're still likely to forget while there's still time. Will you never learn?
MICROWAVE
The next best method is thawing your turkey in the microwave, providing you can actually fit it in there and aren't afraid of radioactive waves saturating your Christmas dinner and turning all who eat it into some sort of half-man/half-turkey monsters bent on destruction and murder.
BODY HEAT
If you only have an hour, and are not squeamish, ask Uncle Chuck to hold the turkey in his massive armpits while it thaws. Use one half hour in each pit.
SWEET, SEXY TELEVISION
If you are somehow left with only half an hour, watch your Girls Gone Wild video with the turkey. That video is so hot, it's too hot for TV!
TIME TRAVEL
Only as an absolute last resort should you call old Doc Brown to bring his Delorean over to send you back to when you had enough time to properly thaw the turkey in the refrigerator. Remember: tampering with the space-time continuum is not to be taken lightly. Also, when you're back there pick up an extra bottle of wine. Aunt Sally's hitting it a little harder this year.
*****************
POINTERS for COOKING your TURKEY
There are lots of ways to prepare a turkey for Christmas dinner, but for some reason, everybody roasts them. We're all a big bunch of roasting babies following the mother roaster into the roasting pond. There are several alternative methods that should be considered before you toss them aside and just roast away like you've been programmed to do, you damn roasting robot you..
One of the options that has been gaining some popularity in recent years is deep frying the Christmas turkey. Seriously. See, turkey is one of the healthiest options among the meat family, so it's only natural that as Americans we would do whatever we can to make this relatively healthy food much worse for us. Why not just loop some onion rings over the drumsticks while you're at it, Deluise?
Other less-traditional options include: grilling, broiling, broasting, bloating, brazing, bowling, soldering, sauna-ing, and pestering.
MARINATE
Once you've discarded those choices and selected roasting, consider at least marinating the turkey first. The best thing about marinating the turkey is, if the right "sauce" is selected, you can get nicely marinated yourself while you do it. God knows Christmas dinner is always a lot easier for me to get through if I'm a little marinated.
Marinades can be applied by poking holes all over the turkey with a fork and then pouring the liquid over it. Superior to this, however, is actually injecting the marinade into the bird with a syringe. These can be purchased, but it's also easy to get them for free by telling your local health department that you're an intravenous drug user who will share needles with others if you aren't supplied with free samples. Make the government work FOR you for a damn change.
STUFFING
While Grandma's recipe has served the family well for decades, it's always a nice surprise to try out something new as a stuffing in your turkey. Possibilities include: flavored rice, salmon, anchovies, Skittles, ice cream, Jell-o, Big Macs, or springy snakes.
SHOW TIME
Now, you are ready to roast your bird. First, pre-heat your oven to 170 degrees, then place the turkey inside. Timing is very important in roasting the turkey. Always leave the turkey in until everyone is so damn hungry that they look at each other, rub their eyes, and then hallucinate giant turkeys wearing their relative's clothing. Also, never take out the turkey until at least one relative is good and soused (preferably yourself).
POINTERS for CARVING your TURKEY
What, you need advice on CARVING too? You just grab a sharp knife and slice! How hard is that? Can't you do ANYTHING on your own? I'm amazed you were even able to operate your computer and find this blog of mine or did you have help with that too? MAN, you're pathetic...lol...just kidding, Happy Holidays Everyone!!!
