Dolly Rotten's blog: "Dd/lg *little* hearted"

Report to Fubar Support: (blog copy)

When I joined fubar, a man by the account alloutdoors was eager to take me under his wing. he quickly bought me, and made nice with me. Over the past couple weeks I have played the fubar games and done as he has asked. One day he said he was having medical issues and it was best to talk via text, with only slight concern i gave him my number feeling safe with this person. After the conversations began via text his attitude began to change, slowly at first he became mean and confusing to me.. however the night before last things got scary for me. That evening his FuOwned had expired and he became LIVID that i did not buy him. I didnt even have the money to buy him. He has non stop blown up my phone since then. calling me a whore, saying he will own fubar and me. claiming he will get my kids taken away for having nsfw photos of myself online. its relentless and ridiculous.

near as i can gather he takes on NEW players and keeps them in abusive check... he kept insisting i marry him in order to keep my points up and that i was a whore and stupid for not buying him. Ive contacted legal aid for my state, and they say since the lines of internet harassment are blurred, I should contact the website. I have photo screenshots of all of our text conversations, and can send them to you.

it is my request that this man, be banned from your site as he is using it to be a predator to women. Now worse, even though he is blocked online, he has recruited his friends to bully me as well. One is rolling into the other. I understand that it is clearly my fault for giving him my contact information, however I am hoping your website will offer some protection. I am changing my phone number.

I dont know the rules of the fuowned game, and by this mans honest admission he is mentally ILL, and this game has enraged him. He is a danger to not only me- but a danger to FUTURE members of fubar as well. When I informed him that I would pursue this legally if he continued, he- proceeded to continue calling and now claims to be taking ME and the fubar website to the US attorneys office?

I am reading your terms of service again, to see where I stand on this matter.... I do not feel that any female fubar user is safe from his kind of attitude. Especially new people wanting to learn the game and earn ranks. Thank you for your time.

Furthurmore, despite blocking of contact on the internet, he has ran my ownership up on fubar so high that no one will buy me, i believe this is on purpose as means to punish me. I dont know if that is realivant to anything as I do not know the FuOwn rules very well.

VOLUPTUOUS [adjective] 1. curvaceous; generously proportioned; buxom; fat in an aesthetically pleasing manner. 2. full of, characterised by, or ministering to indulgence in luxury, pleasure, and sensuous enjoyment. 3. derived from gratification of the senses. 4. directed toward or concerned with sensuous enjoyment or sensual pleasure. 5. sensuously pleasing or delightful. Etymology: from Latin voluptuosus, “delightful”, from voluptās, “pleasure, delight”, from volup, “with pleasure”. [Lee Harvey Roswell - Oh Death, Where is Thy Sting?]

“Jeanne, I fell asleep among the paintings, where I could sit for many days worshipping your portrait. I fell in love with your portrait, Jeanne, because it will never change. I have such a fear of seeing you grow old, Jeanne, I fell in love with an unchanging you that will never be taken away from me. I was wishing you would die, so that no one could take you away from me, and I would love the painting of you as you would look eternally.”
― Anaïs Nin

In the world of the dreamer there was solitude: all the exaltations and joys came in the moment of preparation for living. They took place in solitude. But with action came anxiety, and the sense of insuperable effort made to match the dream, and with it came weariness, discouragement, and the flight into solitude again. And then in solitude, in the opium den of remembrance, the possibility of pleasure again.”
― Anaïs Nin

When it all gets to be too much, when I finally admit the skin I am in.. When I accept defeat I almost always turn to you. For all of the good in me I can be so screwy.. And for all of the wild in me I can be so melancholy..

Hands reaching through invisible walls, dripping of ink, smearing my soul?
Screams breaking out, slipping through lips tied shut?
A hollow mind leaks tragic thoughts of a bleeding impurity..
I have, Have I? Lost control?
Little girls in clean white dresses, chant out in sing songy ways, Ring around the rosie pocket full of nothing... wake up wake up..
its all gone now.

I remember the summer you got that car. How fast it drove, and certainly how far. My hand out the window making a little bird.. Sun light fell warm on my closed eye lids... I remember thinking all the things I thought.. too sacred now to mention..
I remember everything. The way you walked away the last time I saw you. Your halt tilt left and your keys tapping..

All that came to pass did so.. The things now, we wish we would have known? A weeks precious time between our insignificant goodbye and the day you died. Many things you were, but most of all you were my best friend.

My soul screamed and curdled turned bad the moment I saw your car. Twisted like sick joke but permanent. The blood on the road had no warmth.. Everyone assumes that's when I lost it.. When I grabbed frantically at the ground for your warmth.. in the almost dried blood.. No ones ever reached harder.. for something that obviously just didn't exist anymore. I clawed at that pavement till my fingers turned angry and then I rose up and waged war on myself. You left me. God damn it.

There was too much we were to do together, and see?
Living with out you has been a lesson in breathing..
Everyday, I do it differently.

When we were kids, and we played king and queen..
You always knew me best. You always saw the best in me.
Sometimes I fight with my beliefs just to give myself a feeling-
like maybe, from somewhere- so distantly, you can still see..
The good parts, still burning hidden deeply inside of me.

You always kept me from eating myself.
From vanishing, or even being too seen..
With you gone, there isn't much that keeps me from doing anything.
In one contradicting movement I reach for the stars..
and cut out my heart.

Sometimes I think in a foreign language.. On a tangent I roll..
Id like to think I am tough stuff, but mostly lately I am little and crazy..
I remember when words came so easy, and so fine tuned.
I knew what I felts..
I knew how to tell you..

now, there is just this space.. howd it get so intricate?
We spout angry words and lie in the bold faced-

Maybe before there was moral, or standard.. Something keeping the beast at bay?
But its feeding time honey.. They smell me on you..

 

I leave you with this quote:

 

"My organs are rotting
My enemies are plotting
I am made of pages
Paragraphs and inspirations
Paper girl, burn the world
I pass the flame to you
Murder, mayhem, hurt her, hate him-
Murder, mayhem, fuck her, slay them"
Otep Nein

spent the night doubting myself again,
spent the night soaking up whiskey and gin..
spent the night in a crowd- but all alone again.
spent the night walking in circles, and chasing my tail.
spent the night writing on a napkin how on one hand I am like a woman and on the other I am like a pet.
spent the night hearing it on repeat..
couldnt drown it away.
spent the night thinking..
thinking that I am tired of spending these nights shunned away to think.
spent the night remembering what it was like to smile but..
smiles im almost convinced, are purely about magnetism and meaningful friendships.
spent the night remembering--
spent the night forgetting.