my computer is somehow screwed up again, so im gonna try and fix it when i get home. i have been having sleeping issues and pretty much havent slept in two days. yesturday i slept from midnight to 4 am then laid in bed till 8 then after that i kept waking every 30 min so didnt really sleep. then i worked untill 1030. and stayed up all night last night. i laid down for a while but knew i wouldnt fall asleep. ive spent the last two nights watching the harry potter movies which disturbingly made me ball my eyes out because it hit a nerve. im so tired of not being anything, i always wanted to be something special, ive always wanted something more then this. i mean can this be all there is to life? just work and sleep nothing that makes me feel.
i know i have strength i know that i was born with the ability to accomplish great things but i just never have a strong enough reason that stays with me. i never have the situation. its like being a knight doomed to live in a perfect world with out battles, that's exactly what it is. it feels like the fight has been drawn out of me from lack of action or something. i remember i used to think so much, i used to try so hard at everything, i used to have such self control and strength. or not even strength i wasn't strong but i had will power. now im strong with no will power no reason no goal to fight for. nothing meaningful to me. it seems ive become as emotionless and meaningless as people always thought i was. i mean i used to have such depth but seemed to not have anything because i was so guarded. i mean i wont say i dont have emotions, they're there inside just not so strong and deeply known.
i need something to fight for, i need something chaotic or not even chaotic but to make me act to my fullest, to make me be well me. i haven't been the true me in so long, i mean i'm me but i've never been the full me. i donno. honestly the only reason i ever do anything is because i tell myself that though i feel no reason now i may have one eventually. i live because maybe one day i'll actually feel alive. i tell myself maybe one day i'll have hope maybe one day it will be worth it. maybe one day i'll be myself again. but, i don't want to start being depressing, and anyways i need to go home and sleep. last night or more this morning i decided to exercise and as ussual when i rarely do i over killed myself. its easy to make myself over work myself simply tell myself if i don't reach a certain goal i don't love ravyn.. donno how i can still do 50 push ups or run for like 45 minutes straight, but somehow im still strong and in shape. exercising i do every now and then because i always worry that maybe one day i will need to be in shape and will regret letting my body whither completely to nothing. maybe one day ill need to be strong.
