Happy Country Girl's blog: "Just blogging"

"Such a pretty smile," you say, "you look so happy." I force another smile as I say, "Thank you." Thinking to myself, "Well, the smile has fooled another one." Going through life for so long with the pretty smile just to avoid the questions that hurt so much. If I keep smiling on the outside, maybe you won't see the pain on the inside. Maybe you won't see that on the inside I just want to crawl away and die. Perhaps you won't see my soul wilting like a neglected flower.....each day, becoming more and more brittle. Wanting so bad for the pretty outward smile to convince the hardened soul that happiness will come. But it never comes. The only thing that comes is more pain. Forcing me to build my protective wall even stronger than before. But I'll keep smiling on the outside and crying on the inside. A way of life for me.

As each drop of moisture rolls down my face, it is representation of a moment in my life. Rather it be a sad moment, a painful moment, a happy moment, or for moments that I know are lost forever. They represent dreams that are shattered, promises that are broken, and fears that only an individual can understand. They fall for past relationships, lost friendships, and broken hearts. Tears come when you have so much emotion bottled up inside that something must give in order for your broken soul to have release. The valve has broken and here I am drowning in my own tears of emotion. There is noway to express myself other than to let the liquid pain cover my face....hoping that one day, someone will truly understand the real me. **Thanks to Lynn for proofreading my drunken writing**

I don't need your lies, your promises that contain so much bullshit that they turn your lips brown before they leave your lips. I don't need your sympathy. Damn sure don't need your pity. You can move your lips and empty words spew and you type the nicest words but if you can't show me that you mean what you say, save your breath and save your keyboard. I am woman enough to accept that some things last only for a season and then the next season slowly moves in and the old one is pushed away. I may be bruised, but trust me, I've had hundreds of bruises that went a lot deeper. You only bruised the top layers. I've bounced back from bruises that broke my soul, fucked my mind, ripped my heart out from my body. It wasn't easy, but it's made me into the woman that I am today. The woman that can move on without looking back. That can accept the fact that I will never be good enough to be the one that any man calls "his girl." I am who I am and it's your loss that it's not good enough for you.

Physical pain. Emotional pain. Popping pills. Chasing with alcohol. Nothing eases the pain.... The pain you inflicted upon me. Nothing eases my broken heart. My tattered soul isn't worth the blood that seeps from it's cemented walls. You see me smile. You hear me laugh. But you don't feel the rage and pain inside of me. Pulling me this way, Dragging me that way. Burying me in a hole of darkness. No daylight for days. The tears they come so easily. Why can't they drown me and forever end this turmoil within? **written 10-22-07**

Before you judge me, try my shoes on. Don't walk that dreaded mile. Just try them on and see what you feel. My shoes have been physically abused, mentally abused, emotionally abused. They've been worn down, run over, beaten down. My battered shoes have been all alone and at times neglected. Their "souls" have been ripped, tattered and torn. The tongue of my shoes has kissed lies, covered lies, covered secrets to protect others. My old shoes have been buried in slander, hidden in mud. My shoes have hidden in fear and ran from mistakes. They have run away from those that they called their family in order to protect their very sanity. They battle depression and fight for my life. So try them on, you judgemental demon. See how long before you feel the fire that they have walked through. You'll buckle you slimy weakling. My shoes were made for me. Your judgement is nothing to what I have already conquered. I've beat you down more than once in my lowest low and I WILL do it again. You have no hold on me. I will proudly slide my 'resouled' shoes back on and show you that once again, I AM what you dream of being......an overcomer. ***please note*** This blog is NOT posted for sympathy. This blog is simly a rambling of my mind at this current time. If you have ever battle depression from any of the things I have mentioned, I'm sure you can relate. Sometimes we have to remind ourself that we can overcome.

Love me with that innocent child-like love. Unconditional. Overlook my mistakes, my faults. Love me for the person you know that I truly am. Love me with your soul. I want to feel you wanting me. To look into your eyes and feel your soul burning for what I hold within. Love me with your mind. Miles away yet our minds can communicate. I want to hear your mind whispering to me that you need me. That you love me. Love me with your heart. Beating with mine. As two lovers should. Two hearts becoming one. Untamed. Unseparable. Unconditional. True undying love.

It's the middle of the night and here I am awake again. My mind is roaming. Seems it never stops. Round and round it goes. A happy memory torn away by a tormented memory. Another happy memory trying to force it's way through, only to be devoured by the beast of the tormented mind. Round and Round. Outside, enjoying the sounds of the night. I hear the sounds of rustling in the woods. The likely sound of an animal hunting it's prey. Waiting in dark to devour. Like my memories, devouring my happiness. Devouring my peace. Up in the sky, the stars twinkling bright. Then the clouds roll in. Taking over. Bullying the skies. Devouring the light. Like my memories, devouring my hope. Devouring my peace. Hush! Listen! Hear the crickets chirping happily? Singing their song of the night. Then silence it falls. The song maker devoured by a beast of the dark. Like my memories, devouring my happiness. Devouring my peace. Somehow this too will end. Once again my heart will sing in the night. My peace will devour the bastards of my memories. The memories will be the weak prey of my hidden beast. My happiness. My winning beast.