I finally saw the "40 Year Old Virgin”. It was a line of guys waiting for the Playstation 3...hahahahaha People are waiting in lines for that thing. There’s been pushing, shoving, riots......to me, this is the most exercise most of these people will ever get.
President Bush is in Vietnam. He’s just a little behind since he should have been there in 1968. Dick Cheney however got a deferment.
Steny Hoyer is going to be Majority Leader for the Democrats. Steny Hoyer? Wasn’t he on the "Dukes of Hazzard”? Wasn’t he Cooter’s friend?
The NBA is using a new kind of basketball that contains no animal products. It’s sort of like any kind of burger at McDonald's.
Wal-Mart is coming out with a $2.00 wine. So it looks like Jesus wasn’t the only one to turn water into wine. It comes in red and white, and as well as 12 and 16 oz. cans.
Last night, former NFL star Emmitt Smith defeated Mario Lopez to win "Dancing with the Stars." Smith was excited and said: "I've won three Super Bowls, an MVP award, and I'm the NFL's all-time leading rusher - but my greatest accomplishment is out-dancing Slater from 'Saved by the Bell.'".............then he failed the drug test.
O.J. Simpson has written a book called "If I Did It, Here's How it Happened" where he walks through how he would have committed the murders if he were guilty.....a factious story. Just like the one he told the court. Simpson says if it sells well, he's going to not kill other people and write more books about how he didn't do it. Later this month on the Fox Network, O.J. Simpson will take part in a show called, "If I Did It." Television critics say that this is the most tasteless thing Fox has done this week. Then O.J. will appear in a rebuttal special called: "But Perhaps I Didn’t Do It – Unless Of Course By ‘It’ You Mean ‘Double Murder’ – In Which Case Yes: I Did It.”
Queen Elizabeth has announced she will visit the U.S. next year to commemorate the 400th anniversary of the Jamestown settlement. The Queen says she expects to enjoy herself as much as she did at Jamestown's 300th anniversary celebration.
Last night at an awards show, Michael Jackson made an appearance and he was introduced by Lindsay Lohan. People in the audience kept asking, "Who are those two skinny white chicks?"
In Kansas, a criminal was caught after he stuck his gun in his waistband and accidentally shot himself in his testicles. The man was arrested and immediately brought to a woman's prison.
A poll was taken about who would be a better parent: Britney Spears or Kevin Federline and only three percent said Federline. Eighty-seven percent said the kids should take their chances on the streets.
"Desperate Housewives” was number one in TV last week. This week it was "Dancing With the Stars”. You know what that means? America is now officially gay!
President Bush left for an eight day trip to Asia to meet with leaders of Indonesia, Malaysia, the Phillippines, Singapore, Thailand and Vietnam. Or as Bush calls them: China. So far, everywhere he’s gone in Asia he’s been met by thousands of protesters. President Bush may be the first American to be greeted with the phrase, "We hate you long time." His approval rating is now down to 31%. He’s so unpopular now that even on Air Force One he’s not allowed the window seat anymore.
Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold says he is not running for president. He called a conference today to announce it. When the hell did we start doing this? I didn’t know you had to make an announcement that you’re not running.
Germany is charging Donald Rumsfeld and other leaders with crimes against humanity. Germany! In a related story Tijuana is suing the U.S. for drug use and prostitution.
President Bush just announced that next month he will host a White House conference on malaria. Bush told reporters, "I’m looking forward to meeting the Malarians.”
Lawyers in Germany are trying to have Donald Rumsfeld arrested and tried for war crimes. You know things are bad when Germany is accusing you of war crimes.
This weekend, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in a lavish ceremony – and Holmes will be wearing a perfume that costs $2,400 an ounce. The perfume is called "Eau de Giant Charade.” Tom will give all the guests hand-embroidered towels that bear his and Katie Holmes's initials. Not only that, Katie will give all the guests hand-scrawled notes that say, "Help me!"
According to Variety, there is a new movie coming out featuring Beyonce and Eva Longoria playing lesbian lovers. It's called "The Greatest Movie Ever Made." Eva Longoria is angrily denying rumors that she will be playing Beyonce’s lesbian lover in a movie. So know one knows if the movie is real or just a dream I had.
There was an embarrassing moment. President Bush had to ask John Kerry for directions. That was awkward.
Soon Nancy Pelosi will be the most powerful woman in the country. Unless you count Oprah.
Three out of five Americans don’t think the Democrats have a plan for Iraq. Democrats were stunned when they heard this. Two people think we have a plan?!
The CIA is now saying that Borat misled them on the facts in going into Iraq. Borat was actually punched by a guy in New York. Borat went up to talk to him and got hit. In the guy’s defense when he turned around, he saw a reporter with a mustache and just thought it was Geraldo.
A new James Bond movie is out. "Casino Royale”. This about how Bond gets started and gets his license to kill. A license to kill. After Blake, O.J. and Spector that’s not so special anymore.
After winning re-election last week, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger made a quick visit to Mexico. Arnold said he went to Mexico so he could thank everybody who voted for him.
Political experts say President Bush planned a trip to several foreign countries this week because he's unpopular at home. In response, the White House said, "That's ridiculous, the President is just as unpopular overseas."
This week, a restaurant in Arizona began selling The Quadruple Bypass Burger. It has four slabs of beef weighing two lbs., three cheese layers, four bacon rashers, lettuce and tomato. Then, to help you get to your car, they take the grease from the bacon and rub it on the doorways.
Democrats say that now that they control the House and Senate they plan to raise the minimum wage. The Democrats say they're raising the minimum wage because something must be done to protect Kevin Federline's future.
Sunday night Kevin Federline was performing a concert when he went off on his divorce and said "Fuck Britney"...fortunately, no one in the audience was offended because there was no one in the audience. Sources say the prenup Britney Spears made Kevin Federline sign is 60 pages long. The first page handles who gets the money and the next 59 pages handle who gets the trucker hats.
This is the second week in a row that Boart is number one at the box office and made $29 million. The producers have already said there won’t be a sequel because it’s too hard to fool people twice. The Republicans found that out.
The U.N has evidence of global warming. And right now they are working hard, around the clock to do nothing about it.
Rudy Giuliani might run for president in 2008. He has a no non-sense approach to Iraq. The first thing he’s going to do is get rid of those squeegee guys.
Yesterday, Democrat Russ Feinglod announced that he has decided NOT to run for President in 2008. Which finally answers the question no one asked.
According to a new report, the most frequently delayed flight in the country is Delta's 6:30 flight from New York to Washington, D.C. - which is late 100 percent of the time. Delta officials plan to fix the problem with the 6:30 flight by re-naming it the "7:30 flight."
President Bush’s dad is going to help on the War in Iraq. He’s not happy either. This might be the first time a president actually becomes grounded. Did you see Nancy Pelosi and President Bush during their lunch meeting last week? And you thought you saw more fake smiles when the Clinton’s were together.
John McCain has started an exploratory committee on running for president. Hillary Clinton has started an exploratory committee to keep track of Bill.
I have some good news about the health of Fidel Castro – it got worse! Castro isn’t expected to make it much past 2007. He’s worth almost $900 million. Today Anna Nicole Smith was seen paddling to Cuba.
Wal-Mart will allow employees to say "Merry Christmas” this year. This year they can do that. They learned how to speak English.
The Oakland A’s new stadium is going to be the most high-tech in the world. Each visitor will have access to wireless internet and reception for their cell phones. They’re trying to make the most annoying stadium ever.
