There was a huge accident. Apparently a bunch of Republican candidates trying to distance themselves from President Bush ran into a bunch of Democrat candidates trying to distance themselves from John Kerry. They just collided in the middle. It was gruesome.
John Kerry has since apologized for screwing up a joke about President Bush that offended our troops. How do you screw up a Bush joke? That’s like screwing up a Clinton sex joke.
Who would have ever thought that the Democrats would miss the wit and charisma of Al Gore?
Have you heard about this pastor in Colorado? This Haggard guy? There were signs all around. Like the name of the church – Brokeback Baptist Church. Pastor Ted Haggard resigned today as the leader of New Life Church. He resigned after the congregation found out about his new life. He was thought to be a "George Bush" Republican. Instead it turned out he was a "George Michael" Republican. Haggard says that he is a liar and a deceiver. I think it is way too soon for him to be entering politics. He was also using meth. That’s why he was so popular as a preacher. His one hour sermons would last five minutes.....wait....if he was using meth, does that make him a Methodist?
KFC said today that they are no longer using transfat in their batter. They have switched to Mobile 1.
Happy Birthday to Walter Cronkite. He turned 90 years old today. Cronkite is at that awkward age where he’s too old to be an anchorman and too young to be on "60 Minutes”.
The marathon is on Sunday. The New York Marathon is the only place where you can find someone running and smoking at the same time.
It was 94 today. It was so hot I felt like a gay evangelist.
Tomorrow could be a bad day for the Republicans. Even Saddam Hussein is saying, "I’m glad I’m not in their shoes!” Saddam was found guilty today and sentenced to death. See L.A.! It can be done! Did you see the verdict? I don’t get why they always say, "Hung until dead.” Is that really necessary? Is there another level of hanging? You will be hung until you feel severe neck discomfort. Saddam should have taken my advice. I told him to get a good Jewish lawyer but he wouldn’t listen.
I think the only good news for President Bush will be from Geico.
Dick Cheney is going to be out hunting at his lodge in South Dakota tomorrow. How would you like to be around Cheney with a gun if the Republicans lose?....wait...is it Lawyer Season already?! damn.....
John Kerry has been lying low too. Reporters have called him and all they get is his answering machine. They know it’s Kerry’s answering machine because it doesn’t have a message.
The NBA season is one week old. So far no pregnancies.
Tuesday was Election Day. The vote went quick here in L.A. They now have a quicker, faster separate lane for all the illegal immigrants. I’m not sure about some of these ballot initiatives. For example, here we had 127 which was about notifying the parents of a middle school student if their teacher became pregnant after having sex. I’m not sure what that is all about. Some of the initiatives are just frivolous. Like 102 – is it ok for someone to eat just the top half of a muffin. The GOP is concerned about Republican voter turnout. Right now instead they have a congressman and a preacher that are coming out instead of turning out.
On this day in 1860 Abraham Lincoln was elected in a three way race. President Bush today said that he admired Lincoln. Because of inventing the penny, the Lincoln Town Car, and of course because of Lincoln Logs.
President Bush said he's disappointed with the outcome of the voting. Of couse, he was talking about the show "Dancing with the Stars."
Senator Hillary Clinton's overwhelming victory has fueled speculation that she will run for President in 2008. In other words, there was some good news for Republicans.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was re-elected and he said he plans to use the next four years to showcase California as a one-of-a-kind model of bipartisan cooperation. Of course, it was much funnier when Arnold said it.
There were many reports of problems with the electronic voting machines yesterday, espeically the new "touch screen machines." In fact, in Congressman Mark Foley's district, some of the machines were touched inappropriately.
According to Britney Spears' pre-nup agreement, after she divorces Kevin Federline she'll have to pay him $30,000 a month. And when you add that to Federline's other sources of income, he'll be making a total of $30,000 a month.
It’s fall time. The leaves are changing from green to brown. The states are changing from red to blue.
You know what the GOP stands for? Going Out of Power. The Republicans have tried for a long time to appeal to minorities. Now look…they are one! The Republicans did so bad that they were made honorary Oakland Raiders.
The oil companies are furious over the results of the election. They lowered gas prices for two months and the Republicans still lost. You lost us $8 billion! I’m so glad the election is done. Now the only annoying political speech you’ll hear is at a Barbara Streisand concert. Even though the Republicans lost the vote on Tuesday they were still busy today. Today they were busy packing up all their bribe money.
Over 83 million people voted in the election. And with the new machines that means that over half of the votes were counted.
"Borat” is the number one movie in the country. It’s a tall bumbling guy who can’t speak English. He travels around the country annoying people and is often confused. Oh wait, that’s John Kerry.
Dennis Hastert will no longer be Speaker of the House. Don’t worry. He will now be the "before guy” for Jenny Craig.
President Bush and Nancy Pelosi met for lunch today. It didn’t go well – she wouldn’t pass anything. Do you realize Nancy Pelosi will now be second in line for the presidency? She’s behind Dick Cheney. She’s literally a heartbeat away – from a guy without a heartbeat.
Donald Rumsfeld resigned. But in one year he promises to return on TV wearing a bikini. Rumsfeld is enjoying retirement though. Today he slept in. He got up, ate a nice breakfast and then took some detainees for a walk on a leash.
John Kerry came out of the closet today. Literally he came out. He’s not gay. The Democrats just let him out of the closet. A group is already raising money for John Kerry to run for president again. Will that happen? It just depends on how much money the Republicans raise.
Turns out the two biggest things that hurt Republicans in the election were sex and money scandals. After all these years of attacking Hollywood it turns out they are Hollywood!
An amendment to legalize marijuana in Nevada was voted down. It probably would have passed but all the people already on marijuana didn’t show up to the polls until today.
Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack is running for president in 2008. What kind of name is that anyway? Doesn’t it sound like a medical problem for an older man? I could picture Wilfred Brimley saying, "Do you have an enlarged Vilsack?”
Wal-Mart is coming out with their own wine. It comes in two flavors – red and white trash. On the label they of course are telling people to drink responsibly. They don’t want anyone drinking the wine and then getting behind the wheel of their home.
The San Francisco 49ers are moving to Santa Clara. They wanted to move to an area without a team already. Why didn’t they just move to Oakland?
