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I know no one reads these things ,especially my mindless ramblings of a self centered nature. So this is as safe as I can vent without offending anyone and put it on paper to try n help make sense of it.
I don't know why THIS years b'day would be any different than the past 49 but in some sick sense I guess that 50 year milestone is something to celebrate or at least take notice of and acknowledge. I've been picking and poking fun of this one since January and now its within striking distance, my mind is throwing a myriad of crap at me and its just not fun to deal with. I've got the Best of Dave show going on for no reason when I least expect it. Things I've done and events I lived thru popping up for no appearant reason to say "hey, remember when you dot drunk and walked into the bonfire tossing embers back to the center? ... yeah those were fun times" or "... driving home from work and that geezer decided to do a U-turn on a 2 lane highway 20 yards in front of you and there was nothing you could do ? Boy the look on his face when he realized he wasn't the only person on this planet and he had to pull the biggest bone head move in front of the biggest hot head " yeah love when that shit comes outta nowhere in flashbacks. But its not all bad shit either , sometimes for no reason images of girlfriends past come sneaking in while in conversations about something completely different. Visions of the way I used to be and comparing it to who I am now and wondering how there could be such contrast in the same being. Long ago I was 'THAT guy" you'd see at parties or the bar and was impulsive. If it felt right at the moment I went for it, sometimes it was entertaining orthe times it was "he's gonna get himself killed" kinda behaviour , ya know the type that saw shit in movies and just knew he could do it too. Yeah I was the idiot that would walk towards cars are they drove up and would walk up n over hood to trunk n down again n keep going like they weren't even there. I had the confidence and the mindset I was indestructable and people liked being around me but that wasn't the case , they kept hanging around me in case someone needed to call an ambulance or ID the body. Some of the longest lasting memories were attached to my days of not caring if I lived or died. The days I hated waking up being me. Alone and only looking for that reason I should straighten up my shit . When those days make their appearance in my mind I'm glad I'm alone on my hilo left to my thoughts so no one sees me shake it off and try n move on.
If I could sift thru and pull out the best of the fun and relive it for real that would be a nice experience, just getting past all the junk I put myself thru to get those good memories isn't worth the hassle. Sure the egocentric , pigginsh cheauvenistic bastard would love to go all hedonistic on new faces in the crowd. But that goes against everything I've turned into and common sense side of my brain that has taken over just re dampens a blanket and throws it over the fire that used to rage on inside me and I get smoke signals saying "sit down mFk'r before you add to the list of thngs we shouldn't do"
Just feeling old before my time ... or has time past me by? Looking forward to tennis balls to put my walker or other gag gifts , maybe even pudding cups . Tired of wanting to live in the past where no one really wanted me to begin with but can't help ask .... what if... about lots of stuff. Probably nothing I wrote today made sense but neither do I
