I really suck at relationships I know that. I know what I want and right now it's impossible. I don't have a job and my life is a mess but one thing for sure I enjoy sex. Sex for me is fun now.I don't worry about being pregnant or if i want to wake up with this guy generally I don't but it would be nice. but thats not going to happen any time soon.I still hurt from letting love get in the way.
Right now i have a prefered partner but last night was almost a deal buster it was rushed and not too good. I like the freedom that i have a choice of partners but i am not to keen on it. I rather be with one guy. I have other offers but I'm not comfortable with that.I'm not to comfortable with revisiting a old lover either.I have one I would love to revisit but I can't do it reason that "L" word. I have feelings for him that are not returned so it's not happening it would hurt to much. HE was my Muse, a hope dashed, a visible scar.
I waited a long long time to have sex after my daughter was born I never dated when she was young. Didn't want to give a bad impression of me. lived like a NUN and married a choirboy so I lived like a nun in marriage.
After my divorce though I discovered sex for the first time with someone other than my husband. It was great it was a adventure it was fun and it was for the first time satisfing. that ENDed with a big truth it was just sex. First thing I did was have random sex with anyone that wanted me but it made me sick inside. Sad that i wasted my body on one man and sad I felt that I had to do what he did. I found much younger men to just think if he can I can. Stupid!!!
One thing I now know. If I be honest about what I really want I just may find what I really need.
One thing I hate is being called sexy. yuk I prefer beautiful or attactive. I have been told that from guys of all ages married single that any man would is lucky to have me as his. It makes me feel great to hear it and I do want that. What I'm given sometimes isn't enough sometimes.
To the two men I did feel true love for the first one the love of my life Michael " Pazuzu" Hawkins you should have fought and come for me but you didn't.Chris Fullan you had something very rare and you couldn't see it.Both are foolish to ever let me go.
In the end I do think I am a worth while lover and friend and not a random body in the dark.
