Entry for June 05, 2007
its weird I put myself out there I write about my life, I write about love or the lack of it is out there, sex how random it is what a disappointment it really is and how passion is truly missing, how i get hit on on a daily basis by men young enuff of being my son but how its now in vogue and acceptable. i'm still on the fence on that as many other ideas that i have recently been presented. I guess as progressive I think I am. I'm not on so many levels. My emotions,values and heart play into it. I'm put too much thought into every aspect of how I conduct my life but still I kick my self on the misakes i make or how all the wrong turns that kill most opportunities presented the last two days. Friday it started I slept with a guy I dated for a while and yesterday says he wants to take me to this party i said sure. My first thoughts hey he's going to show me off, stupid no its was a swingers party damn it to top it off a BBW and friends of swingers party shit good god what is wrong with me. that fact this is something i should explore is scary enough but to top it off this guy considers me a BBW kinda hurt I'm not perfect body wise and I think of myself average but curvy. Big definitely not. Two years ago I weighed 265 pounds, sick, miserable and felt totally sexless. I personally thought I was ugly and hated my body, hated me. I hated anyone to touch me sex sucked more I was sad and my ass deserved a zipcode of its own. I lost over a hundred pounds because I began to want to live and love myself and I gave away over $2k of lane bryant clothes not cheap walmart stuff and I threw away my size 24 wedding dress vowing i will never ever let myself go like that that my clothes will never have a "W" in the size meaning "my fat ass" I'm sorry everytime I see a young woman like that how this nice person will never see or have a healthy life. It makes me sick inside and angry sorry, people I can't find anything attractive in big women and I was one I am now dusgusted that I gained 30 pounds since I moved back home I'm trying to lose it because I don't want to die from being obese. I cried and was so emotional today I feel betrayed, used, and ugly.
Another thing I got a call from a job I applied for 2 years ago but my current situation kept me from going for it. I am angry at me at everything these past few years have thrown at me how dare this happen now damn I punishing my self for everything I had no control because I feel I did this to myself that it is my fault. I blame everything that has happened I let happen. I feel deminished by this today but tomorrow I will get up and fight for my life again. I am determined not to let my disappointments win. I not going to cower and pull the covers over my head nor will I die sorry lay down and die I'm a fighter and dam you all beautiful just beautiful fuck the big I'm 5ft tall big is not in my description I buy clothes in the petite dept not Womens, plus size or Missy. Fuck that I don't live in a double wide trailer and nor will i need a double wide coffin Kiss My Tight prominent Ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
